Do we try for a second baby or wait and see?

[Piffy]

My DH and I always planned to have more than one baby close in age to each other if we could. We've been together 15 (count them!) years and been married five. DS is now 10 months and I'm back at work. I had a fairly bad bout of PND which lifted to some extent but not totally as yet. We had talked about starting to try for another baby in January i.e. now BUT...
...we just aren't getting on any more. We used to be best buddies but it seems now all we do is bicker, nag each other, argue about whose turn it is to do stuff, resent each other and not speak other than 'pass the salt' or 'did you get the milk in'. It's absolutely soul destroying. He's always been more keen on being a parent than me and is a great hands on dad, but despite saying he wants another baby he always makes sure I'm asleep when he comes to bed. I think he is having second thoughts too, but when I ask him he says everything is fine.
I really don't know what to do. I don't want us to split up but I want things to be the way they were!
Has anyone else been through something similar? Would relate be of some help do you think?

I think relate is a better idea than another baby right now.

Becoming parents is hard on people, and hard on relationships. What you're going through is normal, but the fact you're not talking about it worries me a bit.

wait! If you had PND, plus you and DH aren't getting on aswell, a newborn won't help.

2 kids is really hard work. really really. i think 2 close together is far more marrige destroying than 1, really, cos you just lose most of your time together for ages.

def relate not another kid

i don't think anyone here will say anything different tbh.

No experience of Relate but I'm sure another baby will just mulitply your relationship problems.

Give it some time or look into relationship counselling.

personally i wouldnt rush into going to relate and def not another baby.Chances are you are both exhausted from your first child and having to work etc as well. Leaving no quality time for just you and dh. Having a child upsets the whole balance of your relationship and now you just have to find that balance again.Can you just not sit down with dh and talk about how you are both feeling.Perhaps arange for a babysitter and go out spend some time just the two of you and get to know each other again.

DP and I went through a similar period all through our DD's first year. DD is now 18 mos and we have pretty much got over it, but it took 2 major bust ups with the very real risk of splitting up that made us realise what we were doing to ourselves and ultimately our child. I agree with Rosebud, Relate may not be necessary at the moment, it is just post baby exhaustion and adjusting to your lifestyle upheaval. You should really get yourself some time off from childcare for a day or two, relax and talk. You'll probably find that's all it takes. I ended up writing my DP a huge email listing our problems and the way I saw it, telling him how much he hurt me with his behaviour and basically asking him to go back to being the person I fell in love with. It worked much better than talking about it as like most men he doesn't really listen, plus I tend to get emotional or angry when trying to discuss things with him.

Anyway, back to your original question, no, a second baby isn't the answer here. If you can, try to wait until you DS is a bit older and more independant, then review the situation and how you both feel. I'd love to have a second child but realise that in my situation at least it really is not a good idea at the moment.

Even without PND and not getting on, haiving two children so close in age is really really hard (I think, only have the one)so it would just put more pressure on you all. I agree with the other posters, you need to talk and talk and scream and sort it all out before you even think about another one.
Good luck

Another in agreement with waiting, here! Your situation is stressful enough without adding to it.

We have to re-evaluate in life, based on the realities, don't we; I know your orginal thoughts were for two close together but that shouldn't dominate the actual REALITY of your situation.

Be kind to yourselves and give yourselves time here, to enjoy your first child, and to enable you to recover.

It is not obligatory to have another of course....you are allowed to rethink that as well, you know! I would say that, being the very contented mother of one that I am, but I think sometimes people are a little afraid to even consider just one...the norm is for more than one and it's a very powerful norm.....but if it would make your family happy, then go for staying with one. There are all sorts of wonderful things about having and being a singleton so don't feel bad about considering it.

Sounds like you are going through that huge adjustment from couple to young family, and it is so hard, life changes so much. It will get better. Just make sure you manage to talk to eachother and find out what you both really want in your heart and soul...