Catch 22

[crystaltips]

I really can't be bothered to change my name ... so here goes.

DH and I get on OK and we love each other dearly - but I feel that the communication side of our relationship has been dwindling for the past few months. We used to be able the "chew the fat" about anything - but lately it's all gone quiet.

I feel that communication is essential in any relationship, and becuase this is not going well - I feel rather distant from him.... as a result - we haven't had sex for ages

He tries to Push the buttons at bed time - but I just don't feel turned on as he's not giving to me emotionally.
He on the other hand ( I am sure ) would probably open up if he did have a sh@g ( real BLOKES reaction )

For the past few years work has been a nightmare and we discussed it to death and I think that he truly valued my opinion - but now things ( I think ) are on an even keel - so I don't think that there is as much stress there as before.

I just feel locked in a downward spiral.
When I broach the subject or try and get him to chat I get monosyllabic replies or he says that I am "getting to deep" ....

HELP please

I think every relationship goes through stages like this tbh Do you get to spend much time alone together?

In a word - nope .....

thats like us then, but I supposse thats when things do get a bit more tense. I imagine if you got to spend 'some' time alone you would talk more easily. Obviously you are not going to weant to make love if he is not satifying you emotional, I can really understand that. I am not very good at relationship advice sorry, just understand exactly what you mean. Have you got anyone who could babysit for you? say once evry 2 weeks or something?

I am sure someone will give you some better advice soon

and sorry about my typing!

usually I just cook a nice meal and we open a bottle ( or two ) and we just chat away - at the moment it's all quiet.
The kids are great at respecting our gorown-up time.
If I so much as clap eyes on them after 8.30 then it's up to be for them !

Totally selfish .... but I want to "bump" this up a bit .... Still looking for help and inspiration - ABSOLUTELY no offense FIO2 !

SOD IT!
I'm off to bed .... seem to manage to KILL my own threads

crystaltips, sorry if you felt that people weren't responding

It sounds like your dh is trying to avoid taking the issue seriously by making dismissive remarks when you try to talk about it. All I can suggest is that you impress upon him that it is important to you to talk about it and that he should take you seriously if he values your relationship.

How about writing him a letter? He can't ignore that so easily?

Sorry, have only just seen this....

" CHARGE TO 360 ! WE HAVE TO GET THIS THREAD BACK !! "

Sorry, no real advice, just wanted to send you hugs and best wishes. I'm sure someone will be useful very soon.

Crystal Tips sorry to hear of your problems very much mirror some of my problems at the moment. I dont have an answer for myself so obviously dont have one for you either just wanted you to know you are not alone and you have a friendly ear and shoulder here.

it could be at the moment where things are on a even keel he dont feel the need for indepth convosation have you tried just talking about other things like what happened on tv programme or what you and the kids have done today you know simple things and let him open upto you when he feels comfortable because it sounds like hes thinking indepth convo run and hide wear as general chit chat will relax him so he can feel as if he wants to talk about the indepth bits
hth it worked for us

How often do you go out? I think that's important in order to trigger conversation. Go and see a controversial film or play or see a talked-about exhibition. Read the same book, either buy two copies or take turns. Ideally go for dinner afterwards and chat about what you have done/seen/read. I think conversation needs fuel from the outside world and I do think men find talking about their emotions when they think everything is OK simply baffling and pointless. I also think that if you don't have sex you dont' want sex and that it can be worth just doing it for the sake of your relationship - you are both withholding at the moment and someone has to break the deadlock - so why not you? Not saying you should have sex with someone abusive or nasty or if you really hate having sex with them, but if it's your husband who you love dearly, then I would say that refusing to have sex with him is counterproductive. YOu may well find that a combination of spicing up your life outside the bedroom and getting your sex life back on track might make you both feel warmer towards each other.

I agree with mummytojames. If I thought that every time my dh spoke to me it was an in depth analysis of our relationship I might clam up too! A gossip, joke or a discussion of a film can be just as intimate IMO.