Advice on separating from a jekyll and hyde

[ocd4eva]

My DH and I are separating, we've been together 5 years married just over 2. I need some help trying to navigate the next few weeks.

We've both been unhappy for a long time (over a year) and although I suggested the separation, he was completely on board with it. He never tried to talk me out of it. He has now started acting like a victim to our friends. Telling them he wants to stay married and its all my doing, basically placing all the responsibility at my door for the separation.

In private though he's told me he hates me and its a relief not to be married to me anymore. He has then gone on to try and plan a holiday for us and our baby, but not before telling me this isn't his home anymore and doesn't want to spend anytime here.

He seems to be all over the place, and I don't know if I coming or going. Its taken a long time to get to the position of telling him I would like to separate, so I'm standing by that decision. I just don't know whether he is showing his true colours with his behaviour right now, and I should be preparing for the separation to become permanent or make allowances for him during this tricky time? Any advice very welcome...

Is this recent behaviour very different to previous years of normal/balanced behaviour?

Why are you separating? Ie what behaviour is behind it?

It sounds like you are behaving well and he is being manipulative/unfair. Do you think he is struggling with the fact that you ended it?

Difficult to know if he is either clueless as to how to handle this, or whether he's just a headworker and is trying to wrong-foot you. If he is then it's very spiteful. But he did tell you he hates you. If it were me that would be the difinitive sentiment. I'd be holding on to that and therefore ignoring the bonkers holiday booking behaviour. Sounds awful. Can you go and stay with a close friend?

His behaviour hasn't been awful in the lead up to it. For instance he isn't overtly mean or abusive, but he is passive aggressive and controlling. He sulks, says things like he didn't mean to hurt me after saying something hurtful. Does zero around the house to help, I'm responsible for all the child care, sorting out food, paying for meals and work part time. He gets up goes to work, comes home eats his dinner then plays on his computer or goes out to football.

"Telling them he wants to stay married and its all my doing, basically placing all the responsibility at my door for the separation."

Well of course he wants to stay married, he's got a bloody cushy number being married to you. In his short-sighted and misguided way he probably thinks playing the victim is going to make it easier to get into another innocent woman's drawers.

You might have introduced the idea of separation but he elicited it by his own shitty behaviour.

He's a pillock and you're well-rid, frankly. Hold onto that thought as tightly as you can.

I feel like he's made it impossible for me to stay. We have the same conversation all the time, I tell him we're supposed to be a team and I NEED him to help out more....he agrees and then nothing changes. It's got so bad the prospect of being on my own with our baby is more applealing than staying with him.