Never thought I'd get my own affair thread!

[LooksLikeItsMyTurn]

Found out last night that DP of six years cheated on me for the first year of our relationship.

No concrete proof of physical stuff, but lots and lots of very flirtatious and loaded messages. Also they arranged to meet up in secret at times when he told me he was elsewhere. She was an old ex girlfriend.

I'm not stupid. I know that they probably slept together. And I'm proceeding on the assumption that they did.

The beginning of our relationship was a bit weird. I met him within six months of his ex walking out on him so he was in a fragile place emotionally. He also had (still has!) a then two year old daughter.

So we took it really slowly. I'd never been with a man with children before, so I took his lead and let him set the pace. If it'd been up to me I'd have moved things along faster but was happy to give it proper time.

He was often distant. Treated me well, no drama or histrionics, but was never fully 'there' if you see what I mean?

I put it down to dealing with the break up of his family and dealing with being a single dad and taking time to heal. After a year or so, I started to get frustrated with this emotional distance and some things started not to fit right. Nothing I could put my finger on, but just general cageyness and the excuse of healing from his break up was starting to wear thin. Also I had an accidental pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage and he was very detached about it. Told me the day after it happened that he 'didn't love me the way I wanted him to'. Was quite callous actually.

For some reason I didn't do a runner at that point. And then not long after, things really improved. We moved in together, decided to try for a baby have been happy since and the rest is history.

I'm now pregnant with our second child.

I'm gutted and devastated. I don't know what to do. He's away with work this week so I'm on my own and freaking out. I feel like our whole relationship is based on a lie.

I confronted him straight away and he jumped on the defensive. Pulled out the classic script - minimising, denying, only admitting to what I definitely knew. Cunt.

He says it was only flirtation. 'She was always just a friend', it never went further, she asked him to be with her and he turned her down because he knew by then that I was 'the one'. Blah blah blah.

There are so many holes in that, I'm sure you can all see them for yourselves. Why wait until she propositioned him to call and end to the 'friendly flirtation' being one massive hole to start with.

My hunch is that she called things off and then he stuck with me by default.

This is longer than I intended. I just don't know what I should do next.

Oh and he's also saying he didn't date her, they were always just friends. But having seen the messages, I just can't believe that. They were too flirtatious.

Yeah he's minimising.

He's minimising because he doesn't want to lose you. Because he doesn't want some stupid stuff (in his mind) from all the way back then to seep in and poison the present when in his mind it has no relevance anymore.

He thinks that because he told you he was unsure about committing to you, he was in fact, not committed to you. This is very very common when people cheat, to do the whole 'I'm not sure about our relationship' thing. It's about buying time to work out which way they want to go. It is not an opportunity to let the other person know the relationship is open. That would be a different, mutual conversation.

I think the thing you need to do now is stop focusing on the details with him and zoom out.

If I were you I would write to him, or talk to him and say. I do not believe you about your friendship back then. I think you know that's not true and I think you're fudging and minimising about it because you are afraid of losing me and just want this to go away because for you it's not relevant anymore. I ned to stop panicking and kneejerking and stop and think about how it is from my point of view to have the rug pulled out from under me about my own past at this very vulnerable time. I need you to stop and think through what might happen if you were completely honest with me and compassionate and gently instead of irritated and spiky and dishonest like you are being now. It is making me feel less close to you all the time nad ver very sad and alone. I want to understand and make sense of this together, which is scary, but I feel like you should be the one explaining this, not attacking me for it because it's inconvenient to you.

Let's communicate again when you've thought about this.

That's a very good email. Thanks. I'm incapable of thinking straight right now.

Good luck, thinking of you.

Brilliant email, Blood.

So sorry you're facing this op

I want to message the 'friend' and ask for her side of the story.

Not in a crazy 'back off bitch' way, just in an 'interested to hear your version of events' way.

Is that a stupid idea?

His reaction stinks.

It stinks just as much as his skullduggery 6 years ago.

I think that this is who he is: a self-serving man who doesn't value you as an equal partner. It's all about what he wants: getting into OW's pants then. getting off the hook now. You don't figure in his priorities, do you?

And no, it's not worth contacting the OW. You already know how you feel about how he dissimulated from you. Your feelings are valid and do not require outside approval.

Also, this is between you and him. She doesn't feature; don't give her a role.

Here's the thing, a lot of people will say, definitely don't keep your dignity etc. I never really scribe to all that because for me there's not lack of dignity in being cheated on. It's the cheaters who lack dignity at that point so I think there is no shame there anyway.

But I would say that there is little benefit for you, most probably, in doing this. If your aim is to get to the truth then she is very unlikely to tell you because she will be afraid of being judged and will not want to be responsible for anyone's relationship breaking down. So I would say that your chances of getting honesty from her are extremely low. ESPECIALLY in textual form which is the form in which someone is most likely to lie. In person is a different matter and that is where you are most likely to get her to tell you what went on.

If your aim is just to make her feel bad for it, then knock yourself out. Many people say they regret letting rip on the OW, because they worry it made them look crazy, so you might want to think about that.

Also bear in mind that if they had an affair, her primary relationship will be with him so she would probably just contact him at receiving any message from you. So that would be something to bear in mind.

Yeah I guess I don't really care what she has to say. I doubt I'd get the truth and it'll give them a reason to get back in touch and have a bit of sexy drama where they both share the spotlight.

Yea, his attitude does stink. I'm so fucking disappointed in him.

I actually think she has nothing to lose by telling you the truth, but I think you have worked it all out anyway. He has probably contacted her anyway to get their story straight.

When the shock has worn off I think you will know what to do.

I'm so scared that I will find out later that he did sleep with her and wouldn't admit to it.

Because at the moment things feel salvageable if he pulls his head out of his arse.

But if I find out later down the line that he's lied. I would have to leave him. I just couldn't stay.

If I contacted her and she said they did sleep together, I would have to leave him too I think. Because he's already lied and lied.

Just make sure that whatever she says to you that she can back it up with proof. Remember that she had no qualms sleeping with him knowing that he was in a relationship with you...even if he downplayed it to her too.

Yes Looks, I would say write down your bottom line now. Otherwise you may find yourself crashing through it again and again. And you can let him know it too. You can say to him, if you lie about this now, when I discover that, I will leave. If you start to impress and consider me right now, we have a chance to make things better again. You can say all this to him.

Often it is best to just say that stuff and leave it with him. if you demand answers and explanations in the moment, he will panic and lie and make you even more depressed. He may need time.

He may also feel deep down that you are being unreasonable because he chose you anyway and after five years, has proven his commitment after an understandably rocky start. h So you need to let him express these things if that's true, so you can process and challenge them. At the moment I think he is just hiding hoping it goes away.

Feel free to contact her if you want, but yes she probably won't tell you the truth or maybe even remember it clearly.

Do also think about the best case scenario explanation for things too. I'm not saying it's true but work out just how sure you are of what. If he lied to you a few times, went out with this woman and ultimately put it to bed because he wanted to seriously be with you, is that possibly the entirety of it? And that actually what you want to deal with is how cold and shit he was at dealing with the miscarriage when you were committed and loving to him?

That's a good point. I have never really forgiven him for how he was after the miscarriage.

We've talked through it loads and have agreed to draw a line under it, but I've never really got past it.

An OW would be a useful thing to pin his shit behaviour on I guess.

It's possible he's telling the truth. But I can't get a satisfactory answer as to why he strung her and me along for quite as long as he did. Over a year is a very long time to be making your mind up.

Also I just find it really implausible that she would've hung on for over a year if it hadn't been physical at some point.

I agree. It's hard to comment without knowing how you know and what the details are. Assuming that you know that there was a close, inappropriate relationship between them for this whole year, and that this time was a time when you were together in a committed relationship, then yes, I would say it's safe to assume it was in some way physical, even occasionally. It could have been on /off, it could have been an affair, it could have been a friendship that occasionally crossed the line but yes I would say you are right in what you are feeling. And yes, it makes sense that he would have been emotionally distant towards you partly because he had not fully committed to you. This does not excuse the way he behaved. It also makes perfect sense, as you are carrying a child, that this particular lack of support in the past would make you feel quite so outraged and hurt and scared right now. This should be clear to him, and if he is too cowardly to look at it, you are within your rights to put it like that to him. In life we never really 'draw a line' under anything. That's unrealistic and cold. Of course no one should be punished every day and forever for something that there partner is supposed to have forgiven, but for you the situation has changed radically. Not only have you discovered this new information about this inappropriate relationship with this woman, but when you were mourning the loss of a child, your partner was not there for you, and actively cruel. You would be inhuman not to be badly affected by that now.

He needs to both reassure you, and explain truthfully what happened for him over that time. He will be telling himself that it will only make things worse in your state to dredge up this stuff from the past, but actually he just means it will only make things worse FOR HIM. For you, it's a necessary but painful part of the healing, if it is to occur. And right now he needs to be thinking about that, and how he can go through this short term pain and shame, in order to move forward with you.

Don't keep these realisations to yourself. The quicker he knows and understands, the faster the chance of him acting in such a way that means you can re-embrace this relationship.

I straight up snooped on his iPad. That's how I found out.

His ex has always been a bit of a drama nightmare and he's made a real effort to stay on good terms with her despite some pretty shit behaviour on her part.

I always interpreted his protection of their relationship as a sign that he still carried a bit of a torch for her. And back when he was being distant and weird in the beginning, I suspected it was because he was still in love and pining after her.

So I noticed by complete accident that him and his ex had started following each other on instagram. Which is an unusual turn of events. Something set a little alarm bell ringing and I went onto his iPad to check it out.

Nothing incriminating with the ex at all. But there was this other woman i recognised as a long term friend of his on Facebook... And then all the pennies started to drop.

That's the other thing that bothers me. I only read their Facebook messages. There must've been loads of others via text, Skype, etc. All of which will be deleted now I'm sure.

Yup. Well I would also wonder how your relationship is otherwise at the moment. You say you were really happy, so was there no emotional element that prompted the searching? Perhaps a sense of vulnerability simply from being pregnant?

In a way it's tough not to know everything but in another way you know everything you need to know. You probably would never find a smoking gun that had a time and a place and physical detail in it, so really you have the information. It's now about being realistic about what it means to you. Plenty of people flirt occasionally in long relationships, and particularly between relationships and leaving a long one, the idea of going straight into another is often hard. But he needs to take your pain seriously.

Is there anything in the messages suggested meeting up or declarations of love to each other?

Or is it more flirting and innuendo? Was it reciprocal or just him being flirty?

Was there any mention of you? His girlfriend? Did she know about you?

While he minimises this it's going to be hard to move forward.

Now in his mind if he said he didn't love you and he knew you loved him, then he may (in a warped way) think you choose to stick around in a relationship which was one sided.

It doesn't justify his cheating. I had an Ex declare his love for me and I didn't reciprocate - it doesn't mean it's okay for me to see other guys in a romantic sense.

Our relationship was generally really good.

The two sticking points and constant themes of argument have been legacy issues from around the time in question actually, and his ex acting like a knob and him not minding.

I've never ever snooped before.

I don't like how accommodating he is of his ex, I think he should keep her much more at arm's length, so I thought I'd find messages between them that show he's maintained what I would consider too much contact and too much info about our lives that she can leverage against us for her benefit later. That's really what I was looking for.

This OW thing caught me off guard but then made so much sense.

Sandy there were no declarations of love. There was no direct reference to anything concrete regarding physical stuff.

There was a hell of a lot of flirting, winks and kisses. Also talk of 'finding excuses to see you', etc. In both directions but if anything he seemed slightly more keen. Which is another reason why I think he's full of shit.

There is mention of my existence but only in the context of him having no plans to see me so therefore being available to see her.

Ugh. Well it sounds horrible and gross and heart paining, but if he sorts his shit out and man up and says there was some flirtation and inappropriateness and a bit of a fling but explains and reassures you I imagine you can get past this.

I haven't read the entire thread so I'm sorry if I've missed anything. I just wanted to say I am currently going through the same thing with my OH (minus the children and we haven't been together as long). I feel the same though, that our relationship was built on a lie and my trust in him has been shattered. We have decided to try and work on things but it is incredibly difficult. You need to do what is right for you and your children. So sorry you are going through this, it's horrible

He's still friends with this person on social media. Would I be unreasonable to ask him to go no contact with her? Even if there's nothing going on with her now?