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Original poster

AIBU to think this reflects badly on me?

15 replies

AwkwardAvocado · 04/06/2016 21:34

DH has a fairly relaxed attitude towards buying gifts for family on his side (they are usually non-existent!). However, his brothers now have wives, and there have been lots of 'firsts' recently: weddings, new homes, babies etc. The in-laws don't expect DH to send things but I feel like, as the woman, it is expected of me. I feel like it reflects badly on me if I don't ensure cards and gifts are purchased and sent. AIBU to think this? Am I expected as the woman to take this on? Should I just not bother? I resent having to put a lot of thought and effort into these gifts, especially since I contribute financially, and DH rolls his eyes at the mere mention of a card/gift. I didn't buy a card for BIL's wedding (we purchased a very expensive gift for them mind) and there were a number of comments made around me (between BIL's wife and MIL) about how unacceptable it is for cards not to be given at weddings and I really felt as though they were being directed at me.

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 04/06/2016 21:36

did you not say 'See >husband's name< i told you it was unacceptable'?

ImperialBlether · 04/06/2016 21:38

This wasn't really something that bothered me, but if my husband had got the credit, I would have been pissed off.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 04/06/2016 21:39

don't put his fucking name on the card, and make it perfectly clear that the gift is from YOU

does he ever buy you anything? or are his pockets too deep for his arms for all occasions? Tight arse!

Aussiebean · 04/06/2016 21:40

How about mention in passing that you do all presents for your side and he does all presents for his side.

Then they will know.

HandyWoman · 04/06/2016 21:42

I think this is something women feel reflects badly on them because card/gift buying is traditionally seen as Wifework. There's a book called Wifework you might want to read.

I understand the discomfort, but you could always buck the trend and stick one finger up to The Patriarchy by not giving a f*ck, although I understand that's not necessarily easily done.

Gide · 04/06/2016 21:47

My DH used to leave gifts/cards for his side of the family to me until I chose really boring Christmas cards that I knew he'd hate. He then took over. I do mine, he does his. Sometimes I might need to remind him it's someone's birthday, but it's not my job to buy for his family. Not buying a card for his brother's wedding is bang out of order (him, not you) but I would definitely have discussed this and reminded him. That's a big thing to miss out.

Original poster

AwkwardAvocado · 04/06/2016 21:48

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia He is a really generous person by nature (buys me lovely things all the time). It's more that he can't be bothered with the hassle and it does feel like there is something happening all the time at the moment. He had a mutual agreement with his brothers when they were younger not to exchange gifts for birthdays/presents, which they were happy with because they are all super laid back people. His aunties/cousins etc. don't do gifts as they aren't particularly close. He buys nice gifts for his parents though (maybe should have mentioned that). It's since more women are getting involved and babies and marriages etc. that it's getting a bit more complicated and I feel like it reflects badly on me I guess.

OP posts:

Umblubblub · 04/06/2016 21:49

My DH is the same with his family, he doesn't do cards or gifts. My family do, so I was a bit uncomfortable with this at first, I didn't think it was right to buy for my side and not his. Now I get the cards/presents for his side and he pays for them, which suits me fine.

RaeSkywalker · 04/06/2016 21:54

Wow, your BIL's wife sounds really ungrateful if that was aimed at you!

I feel the same as you, like it reflects badly upon me. However I'm learning to let it go. If I remember one of his friends birthdays I'll ask him if he wants me to get a card. He'll usually say he wants to buy it himself. If I forget and he also forgets, I don't beat myself up as much as I used to. I send my friends and family loads of cards for birthdays, new jobs, exam and driving test passes, anniversaries.... I can't take all that on for his lot as well!

Kidnapped · 04/06/2016 21:59

I've never done it for DP's side of the family (been together nearly 30 years).

It is his responsibility if he wants to do it and his responsibility if he doesn't want to do it. He's not a kid and I'm not his mum. He can get the credit or get the flak.

If anyone ever has anything to say about it, I smile sweetly and say "I think you need to talk to DP about this".

I have always sorted cards/presents for my side of the family. And nobody has ever suggested that this reflects badly on him. And he has never said that he might feel bad about it.

Funny that.

Buttock · 04/06/2016 21:59

I did it for about a year. Then his family turned out to be proper selfish cunts when they failed to phone/visit/send a card when my first child was born. Then they didn't bother visiting/acknowledging the next 2 either. My dh deals with his shits.

Kidnapped · 04/06/2016 22:01

"My dh deals with his shits".

Buttock has said it much better than me.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/06/2016 22:09

We are completely open about the fact that he does his family and I do mine.

If my SIL had been making those comments, I'd have tackled it head on with a smile and lighthearted "If that's directed at me, it's a waste of your breath SILname. DH is in charge of all that for his side of the family. Take it up with him if he forgot. I am staying out of it."

Original poster

AwkwardAvocado · 04/06/2016 22:15

In hindsight, I do wish I had responded to the comments re. the card from BIL's wife. Not only to mention that it isn't really my fault, but to remind her of the very thoughtful gift we bought! Is it really considered faux pas to not give a card if you've bought a gift? I don't think I'd take the risk again though if I'm honest!

OP posts:

Kidnapped · 05/06/2016 09:11

"Is it really considered faux pas to not give a card if you've bought a gift?"

At a wedding, yes, you usually get a card and write some trite guff about future happiness etc. Lots of people keep their wedding cards/show them to others etc. But of course that was your DH's responsibility to sort. Funny how they are not making comments to him, eh?

If BIL's wife or MIL has anything to say to you about gifts and cards, then just tell her to discuss it with your DH. Horrible that he didn't give them a card and YOU are getting it in the neck. Not acceptable. And I'd be telling them and him so.

Bow down to this now and you have years of card and present buying ahead of you. With all of the social angst and sniffiness when you don't get it quite right because BIL's wife and MIL's arsey behaviour is only going to get worse. Your choice.

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