Hi there. I've been in a relationship with J for around 18 months. Things have been rocky for quite a while now. Basically he lives on his own, doesn't like change and finds it really hard to commit (he's 38 whether that has any relevance). We've had many arguments in the past about not spending enough time together, about him going out drinking with his mates and me just generally feeling insecure and unsettled. I would really like to settle down with someone, yet he's not even talking about us living together let alone marriage or children. He said it's all the arguments we keep having is a reason for us not to move in together - which I get up to a point but the reason we argue is usually because I feel down and insecure about him being so noncommittal, which ends up with me being hypersensitive and getting into arguments with him a lot of the time, usually with me in tears. He's not cruel or a bully and he tries to be understanding when I get upset but I know he's at the end of his tether. His main point is "I can't take all these arguments, I can't change who I am..." I've tried hard to be patient and to not get so anxious about this situation as it's only making it worse, but it just feels like all the effort being made is on my side. I love him dearly but I don't want to risk losing him altogether but I don't know what to do. The situation came to a head this morning when he caught me looking at his phone. I've never done it before and don't have serious trust issues but I just wanted a reason why he's so noncommittal i.e. maybe there is someone else? I know I was in the wrong but that's what my insecurity has led me to, I don't want to be that person so I think the best thing to do is end things. But as I said he's not a bad person and if I was patient and caring enough I could bring out the best in him. I'm just torn between trying to be patient or just cutting my losses and hoping he'll either see sense or I'll meet someone more suitable.
To give you some backstory, we first met at a party two years ago - I was head over heels, madly in love more than I'd ever been with anyone before. We started dating, everything was fine but he said he wanted to take things slowly and not have sleepovers etc. One evening we'd had a bit to drink and ended up at his place (just spent the night in bed together cuddling, things happened but not full blown sex). It must have freaked him out as he stopped getting in contact or meeting up as frequently but hadn't broken things off. I tried talking to him about it, he said he was scared of getting into anything too serious after his last relationship. Eventually I stopped texting him and started dating other people, he didn't get in touch. On a whim I texted him again about 7 weeks later and suggested meeting up. We ended up back at his again, but I assumed he wasn't looking for anything serious so I started dating someone I'd met online. Then he started texting me persistently, wanting to meet up. I eventually did a few weeks after that and he said he really liked me and that he wanted to get serious with me - that he was really sorry for blowing me out the last time but he'd freaked out and 'was in a weird place.' But assured me there wasn't anyone else involved and that he was serious about me, together with being really apologetic. Things were going well with the guy I was dating, so I wasn't sure. But then I realised my feelings for him were too strong to ignore, so I ended up breaking things off with the guy I was dating and getting into a relationship with him and for a few months was completely happy. It was only 6 or 8 months in, after the 'honeymoon' period I began to feel cold-shouldered. He tries his best to be caring and affectionate and attentive. But he's admitted it doesn't come naturally to him. He's solvent, he's trust-worthy and he's kind. There are plenty worse than him out there, I'm not sure I can face trying to date people again. But then again I can't stay in a relationship where I'm insecure and miserable. I feel utterly ashamed for looking at his phone - he was more disappointed and hurt than angry but I know this is going to create even more of a gulf between us. (FYI I didn't find much, just a few non-flirtatious messages with some female friends.)
Why are relationships so hard? You just want someone to take the pain away, but the one person who's meant to is causing it all. I don't want to burden my friends with this and my mum suffers with her nerves so can't confide in her. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you