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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ignorant DH

20 replies

oftenlonelyandsad · 04/06/2016 17:26

After yet another row with my DH I really would appreciate some outside perspective.

My DH is quite insular, always has been, but over the past couple of years he has been gettng worse and worse. I'm really fed up of trying to talk to him and ending up stonewalled. I feel invisible, boring, unlovable and very uninteresting. When I talk he will (usually but not always) answer me, but that's it - one sentence and no matter how much more I say he just sits there and does not respond, he just ignores me and amuses himself with his own thoughts while I rattle on. I know he is capable of emotion, if sex, fast cars or motorcycles are the topic he is animated and happy. Otherwise he is just bland and unresponsive.

When it happened again today I just lost my temper. He went into his usual denial/minimise/pretend not to understand mode. I didn't let it drop as I was so angry, he came back at me with two things:- 1) Perhaps we should just have conversations about things we are both interested in and 2) he apparantly doesn't get upset when people at work etc ignore something he has said. My response was that I should be able to expect to talk about whatever I want, he doesn't get to judge my conversations and that as his wife I expect a bit more consideration than someone at work as I am (theoretically) supposed to be someone he cares about.

I don't have a great relationship with my family, have always been on the outside, didn't grow up feeling loved and have had several traumatic lifechanging events to deal with both in childhood and since I've been married to my DH. So I'm aware I am sensitive and always wary of being badly treated, but am I really expecting too much? This doesn't sound like much but it happens daily and it's really starting to affect how I feel about him.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 04/06/2016 17:35

He's not "insular", he's selfish and unkind, and can't even be bothered to feign an interest in you. You're not "sensitive", you're being treated very poorly by this arse.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/06/2016 17:36

You talk at him when he clearly doesn't want to engage.

It is rude of your DH to not even pretend to be interested in talking to you. It is also rude of you to keep talking at someone who isn't interested in talking to you. He is pretty much blanking you and still you keep talking. Rude of both of you.

Sounds like you two aren't actually friends with each other. Is there really no topic of conversation that you are both interested in? Does he ever try to start a conversation?

Original poster
oftenlonelyandsad · 04/06/2016 18:53

No, I don't talk at him. I'm talking about just normal conversation, stuff about the home, the DC's, work. You think it's OK then that he isn't interested in talking to me? He NEVER wants to engage unless it is on his terms.That's not a marriage is it? I want to be friends, I want a happy, normal relationship - but how do I communicate with someone who just switches off?

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 04/06/2016 19:14

Does he engage with the dc, neighbours, friends, and relatives, or does he stonewall them too?

Original poster
oftenlonelyandsad · 04/06/2016 19:33

Yes he does engage with the DC (all aged over 20 now) has no problems doing so, and he makes an effort to talk to other people - although unless it is on a topic that really excites him admits he finds it tedious.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/06/2016 19:49

If he's not interested in talking to you then I'd argue there is no marriage left. What's the point of you two being married now the DC are grown?

bibbitybobbityyhat · 04/06/2016 19:54

Ah. I might be guilty in the same way as your dh.

I am not really interested in prattling away with my husband. I wish I could be on my own more often! Doesn't mean I don't love him, but I could really do with a massive amount more of my own quiet space. He doesn't understand this and gets frustrated with me. Atm he is away for work. He has been gone two days and already sent me 4 or 5 texts - I feel this is excessive! I probably am bu.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/06/2016 19:54

Sounds like he is taking you for granted. It's a basic need to feel we are being heard but your husband simply isn't feeling the need to show you that level of concern.

Gide · 04/06/2016 20:41

Emotional abuse, IMO. He deliberately ignores you and wants to only talk about sex, fast cars and motorcycles?! What the actual fuck?! You should only discuss things that interest you both? Omg, what kind of relationship do you have? I can't imagine not being able to tell the DH about my day and ask about his. That's ridiculous and relationships are about compromise. Whilst persisting in talking to him is clearly fruitless, I think he sounds controlling: only people talking about what interests him is an outrageous request.

Whilst I won't say LTB, what are you achieving from this relationship? Would you be better off without him (I mean emotionally). Your house must be awfully quiet unless Topgear is on with a couple of female guests. :(

JacketPoTayTo · 04/06/2016 22:31

Emotional abuse? Come on, FFS.

I can't see what's wrong with wanting to talk about things you both find interesting. Isn't that just normal? And yes, I suppose you can decide to talk about whatever you want, but if you never talk about things he is interested in then obviously he's not going to be animated and engaged is he? I love my husband but I've got a couple of minutes of feigned interest max when he gets going about football. That doesn't make me a terrible partner.

It sounds like you just don't have that much in common to be honest. But to be fair to him, at least your DH has suggested finding topics that you are both interested in. On the other hand, you said that you feel it's OK to talk about whatever you want and he should just be OK with it. I think he sounds like the more reasonable one in many ways.

Original poster
oftenlonelyandsad · 05/06/2016 00:14

JacketPoTayTo There is nothing wrong with talking about things that interest us both I agree - but FFS (to coin your phrase) he does this. all. the. time. Not all conversations are for fun or interest. In a relationship there are things that HAVE to be discussed. It might well be boring day to day stuff but it involves both of us and it is not fair or reasonable that he thinks he can just tune out - I suggest you reread my 2nd post on this thread where I stated plainly that he behaves the same in ANY conversation, not just when i might be talking about things that "interest me".

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 05/06/2016 04:30

This doesn't come down to whether or not he's willing to feign interest in talking, it's about his lack of interest/engagement in day to day life with his DW. The OP is right, there are things which have to be discussed and I would be worried, upset and pissed off if my DH refused to involve himself in those conversations because he 'isn't interested'. I would also be upset if he appeared to have no interest in me as a person, very few couples have exactly the same interests but you make an effort because you're partners, you love each other, you're meant to care what kind of day they had, what their opinions are about things, how they feel. It's selfish, rude, lazy and yes, downright fucking ignorant to dismiss your partner the way the OP's DH is doing, sorry OP but I would be seriously re-evaluating the relationship if he's not willing to change his attitude.

MissMargie · 05/06/2016 07:57

It's a common older male trait imo. My DH does this. It's selfish imo.

And DH when he does contribute gives instructions. So if I say there is a funny smell under the kitchen sink his response would be 'you need to get the plumber in and tell him to do x and y, it's probably the z'
End of convo.

It feels like two people in the same house living separate lives.

Haven't found a solution. Though I am reappraising and wondering about time away for myself - if he likes no conversation he can have it for weeks at a time.

RatSandmIce · 05/06/2016 08:03

Hi again. How was the wedding?

sparkly72 · 05/06/2016 08:08

It sounds really really lonely for you, and not much of a partnership. I don't think yabu wanting a friendship and wonder if this has been constant through your marriage , or a recent change?

OTheHugeManatee · 05/06/2016 08:16

It's not abusive but in your shoes I would be questioning the health of the relationship.

Do you feel able to explain to him how unheard and unloved you are feeling? You can do that in a non-accusing way ('when you stonewall me or give one word answers I feel unloved and unwanted, like you don't care about anything I do or think') and see how he reacts. If it's with more of the same your relationship is in trouble. But he might not realise the impact of his behaviour.

Colchestergal · 05/06/2016 08:18

Jacket.....yes, emotional abuse.

OP needs to have her emotional needs met. He knows this and that she's unhappy yet he does not give a fuck. If he lacks compassion, sensitivity and is uncaring then he is emotionally detached from her.
M

JacketPoTayTo · 05/06/2016 12:56

Colchester everything unsavoury in a relationship is not abuse. To call this emotional abuse an insult to those who have actually lived through it. Yes he sounds like a dick but lots of people are dicks. They aren't all abusers. I'm hiding the thread now. A lot of people getting themselves whipped up into a frenzy over what is basically just a dysfunctional relationship between two people who seem not to like each other very much. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Colchestergal · 05/06/2016 15:49

Jacket...I disagree with you still and find your post insensitive to those who have experienced this.

ApocalypseSlough · 05/06/2016 15:57

I'm struggling to understand how this works. What happens if one of you is at home and the other one gets in? When you're in the car together?

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