Ending a relationship when dp wants to fix it

[hawleybits]

Briefly, dp and I met three years ago and have a long distance relationship and definitely no end in sight for several more years. We each have a youngest dc of 15 and we're both committed to keeping their home lives stable.

That said, we have a mostly happy relationship when we are together, which is at weekends and also during school holidays.

Here's the however...Even with our restricted time, I still sometimes want some time for just me and I don't think it's unreasonable. He's quite hurt if we don't plan our free time together although he never puts pressure on me, I just feel it. We're getting to the point of not making the effort to chat on the phone as much and I find myself getting very wrapped up in things at my end, to the point, I sometimes wish I was single again. Not for dating but just to be able to do my own thing.

I'm a home owner; he rents and I always seem to have a project on the go. He doesn't need to set time aside for this sort of thing and I feel guilty asking for his help when he's here, as I feel we should be doing nice things together,

I'm at the stage where I'm thinking, perhaps we should end it and we have discussed it. I'm tired of the long journeys and starting to get a little bit resentful and I feel terribly selfish. He wants to keep going and make more effort...me, he means.

We did split for a few months last year but we missed one another and so decided to try again. This time though, I feel like it'd be a great relief. I'm actually very sad but the guilt is the worst part.

Would you end a relationship for these reasons?

Men generally don't volunteer to do these things unless they're trying to impress you. They aren't as intuitive as women and prefer a peaceful rest.

Cut down your time with him if you have jobs to do around the house. It's your only solution with the limited hours in a day, unless you pay for the work to be done and I don't get the feeling you want to do that.

I think you should speak to him OP. You don't actually know what he thinks, so best you find out. He may (being male) not place as much importance on housekeeping etc, and is happy spending his time with you and seeing the world. You on the other hand may be more practical.

It's an assumption that he may not be interested in YOUR house, yet he may be, just not be very confident in doing it, you don't know because you haven't asked him.

But the fact remains that you're happy to see less of him which doesn't bode well for a LT relationship.

I do feel your pain OP, it's a difficult one..

Startled we are quite a distance 200 miles or 4/5 hours. It's a straightforward enough journey and he's usually happy to do it much more frequently than I am. I do feel guilty about it.

And I'm honestly not expecting him to make any kind of investment in time or money in my house - just maybe the odd weekend it would be nice if he offered to help with the garden or some of the small things. It's not like I haven't known him long and already I'm trying to rope him in Don't any of you have dp's who help you out sometimes? Maybe I'm old fashioned but I quite like a bloke who's willing to roll his sleeves up.

I haven't asked him for help outright because I already know his views on DIY - he's not keen. These things don't matter all the while you don't need them but when you do...

It sounds like you're just not that in to him. I get the impression that you would be OK with the relationship if he came once a month or something but you are not interested in the intensity he wants. Just end it - you said you would feel relief if it was over and that sounds to me like what you really would like is to end it. Be brave and cut him loose - you'll both be better off for it in the long run.

PS you have nothing to feel guilty about: you don't owe him anything.

Is that really true, that I don't owe him anything? After three years, I feel I should. At what point does anyone actually owe a partner something? I never really get that...That you can just say goodbye, I'm not happy, no need to explain further. It feels wrong.

OP.. I am four years in and also feel I 'owe' him something. It's very hard to walk away from familiarity and feelings. The worse thing for me is (I'm assuming the same for you) he hasn't actually done anything wrong, or treated me badly, it's just that our personalities clash, and I'm too old to have that disharmony in my life.

But realistically, we don't owe anyone anything in life. We just feel incredibly guilty, and that's an awful feeling.

We've all had to deal with let downs and heartaches, he will be ok. Life is short and you both deserve to be happy.

Oh and I also like a bloke who will do my DIY too! I actually find that very endearing, like he's looking after me by making my home nice, whether he lives there or not. I think most women like this, well the ones I know!

WillI are you me? I'm also too long in the tooth for anything that's not making me happy. But no, he hasn't done anything wrong really either, apart from being a little bit needy.

He's also younger than me by ten years, so he has lots of living still to do. I think if he were ten years older, I'd feel worse.

hawley 'a little bit needy' I think I am you! Actually he is very needy, and I feel suffocated. But it's very hard making the break (which I know I have to do) even when you know it's for the best. And it has to be the best for YOU not him, you are NOT responsible for his feelings or situation. Crikey..if only I could practice what I preach