MIL issues

[MuniK]

Hi, sorry about the long post, bit of a background to begin with. I have been with my dh for 4.5 years married for 2 years. In the beginning I had a good relationship with my MIL she seemed really nice, loving and caring, but at the time we lived abroad, so we had limited contact not very frequent visits although she was chatting with my dh everyday and she still does and weekly skype sessions. With time i began to notice that she was very intrusive in my dh life, she likes to know details of everything even our personal life. When i got pregnant she became even more intrusive and overbearing, she kept suggesting she would like be with me when i gave birth and take care of ME afte baby arrives. I politely declined her requests to be there for the birth and suggested we would invite her over when we are ready to have her. She lives France since my dh is french.As it turned out I had my ds 14 weeks ago through an emergency c-section, i was in a lot of pain could not move or do anything at all, so my dh suggested that MIL could come over and help us out (plus she had been insisting to be with us for a long time). As soon as she arrived she took charge/control over everything in our house. She suggested to have very low lights at all time , no sounds in the house nobody was talking anymore we were all whispering and many other things, all this to not disturb the baby. All this was making me very depressed so after a week of having all this i told my dh and MIL we should try to live a normal life because it is making me very depressed and making my ds extremely sensitive. Things were a bit better after that, my dh and I were talking normally but MIL was still whispering all the time. She started changing the organisation of things in my kitchen etc etc. She was cooking, cleaning, food shopping etc which was a great help, but she was also trying to control everything i did with my ds. she kept making snide remarks about everything which she didnt like and she had done differently in her day, she constantly compared and told me what she did when dh was a baby. I got the impression that she could not differentiate between my dh and my baby. Each time ds cried even for a second she would give me the looks and make sounds like i am not doing enough and kept telling me he is crying too much, he never cried more then 2-3 minutes max 5 minutes. But the worst happened when my dh had to go out of country for work for 2 days and I was left alone with her. At this point she had been living with us for almost 6 weeks I was in my bedroom playing/singing to my ds and he was very happy smiling/cooing as soon as i came out of the bedroom MIL said that i should not sing to me and its because of me and my singing that he does not sleep well, at this point i became very angry and we had a huge row. The thing is that i am still very very angry with her i dont want to see her at all atleast in the near future but dh wants to see her quite often now she will visit us next month and i am already dreading her visit. i still keep thinking about our row and all the little things she said before that. The reason for posting here is that I would like some advices from people to face the situation better although i dont want to see her at all, but when i do see her how can spend that time without being too negative. My dh is an only child so being NC is not an option.

Sounds like she's taken away your power and control. You need to address the boundaries and decide what you want an stick to it to regain your power over your own life. You can do this whilst still respecting others

Munik, you have the perfect excuse. Turn ur second room into ur son's room. He is old enough to have his own room now. Throw the spare bed away and turn it into a beautiful nursery with lots of toys.

Sadly short term u can't stop her staying over but start planning ahead. Play ur own games. Take control of ur house. Don't let ur husband tell u what u can do in ur own house. Stand ur ground.

Seeing as mil visits often, carry on ur normal life. Don't babysit her. Arrange get togethers with ur friends n get out n have a drink or two.

Hello MrsGus; sorry this dropped low on the TIO - no I'm not diagnosing anything online at all, where was that in my post?

I'm saying that adult children of people with personality issues and diagnoses CAN and do form relationships. There are often issues for their spouse and children (as highlighted in this very thread) but that is not the same as "well you love him so his mum did a bang-up job", that's extremely reductive and frankly a bit scary advice.

I've seen you on a few threads now trying to "fight the trend" which is great for a plurality of opinion, but please believe me when I say I have a lot of personal experience in this. Sometimes it goes beyond "my mil is a pain" and into "my mil is damaged and has affected my partner in these ways".

Op - if he is enmeshed with his mum, he possibly needs professional help and counselling to work on it and mentally prioritising your family instead.

You've seen me on other threads trying to fight the trend? So what?

You have a lot of experience in this and I do not?

Okay, fine. You know best and you are absolutely right. Why did I not recognise you were the Oracle from the start? Silly me.

My advice to the OP is simple. Establish boundaries. The OP can only control her actions and not that of others.

I'm not here to have an argument with you as to who is most qualified to give an opinion on the OP's post.

I'm not claiming to be an oracle at all, where did you get that from?

But yes your opinion above ("if you're married to someone then you love them so their parents raised them just fine") was wrong and you can be as passive-aggressive in your responses to me as you'd like, it doesn't change that.

Most of all, it's not "simple" at all to tell someone to establish boundaries. Redefining relationships and getting adults to reassess the way their parents raised them is huge!

The op has made it clear that it's not just who's in control of the nest, it's who her husband is in a real relationship with. It's not "don't pick up that cup MIL", it's "DH is in a general state of arrested development because of his mil. How can I stop the effect on our children? How can we tackle this? Will I have to leave to feel sane again?"

And yes - you've been noticeable for getting people's backs up and not in a useful challenging way either. I don't tend to remember usernames but I know yours - so bravo I guess.

OP your post reminds me of the first I ever posted on Mumsnet 2.5 years ago... you are not alone.
AttilaMeerkat is great for advice, listen to her; she has been of great support to me under the guises of several different usernames in MN. On the other hand, your situation is yours alone and it's up to you on how you decide to react to the advice you're given on here. Although there are similarities between your situation and others your situation is still unique to you.

My MIL was just like yours, came to 'help' when DC was 6 weeks old and at first she was great, them DH went back to work and she became intolerable. She rearranged my kitchen, criticised my parenting, said that I was 'making a rod for my own back' by picking DC up when she cried, gave me no space whatsoever. DH knew how his mother could behave but still expected me to 'tolerate' her as he has done all his life. At first, my DH responded like yours and appeared disappointed in me for feeling the way I did. Atleast you stood up for yourself, it took a long long time for me to do that.
I ended up with PND at the hands of MIL because I felt like my DC belonged to her. It was a very strange feeling. I felt like her babysitter and MIL felt like her 'real' mother. That is because she ground me down so much and questioned so much that she made me feel like an incapable child. That is not a healthy place to be with a young baby to take care of. Your mental health is your second priority after your baby. Prioritise it.

Tell your DH, she makes me feel x,y,z and I need to prioritise my own well being which means space from MIL for a while. He needs to understand this. Like you, my mother is not maternal and I'm so used to being independent and self-reliant, this sort of selfish indulgence from MIL draped in good intentions is completely foreign to you and you will feel sick to your stomach.

We are still having problems with MIL. DH is much more supportive than he used to be but still pleads with me to be more 'tolerant.' I am me, she has crossed my boundaries too many times so I can't be. DH is getting used to this and I believe currently working out whether or not he can be with the 'real me' at all. That's his shit to deal with, not my problem.

Just give yourself whatever you need to protect your sanity, you are the one who has just had a baby, you are so important right now.

My DC is now 2.5 and still, my MIL makes me feel like she belongs to her. Like you say, an extention of DH, I feel like a surrogate at times, like I've had a baby FOR her. Of course, she never says these things bit her behaviour makes me feel it very very strongly. I think she had me down as a weak woman who was merely going to.pass my baby over to her 'the expert' who has a history in childcare and she was so so wrong. You are the expert in your own life and your own child. Make sure your DH and MIL knows that. Good luck. It's a long road but keep on sticking to your guns.

chakachumchom thanks for your reply, i am so sorry that you had to go through this too, its such a shame though, the time that should be one of the most enjoyable time in our lives has been destroyed by our MIL's. I am really amazed at the similarities in our situation you have even mentioned the points that i forgot to write, worst being the surrogate feeling, thats exactly how i felt when she was around always behaving in a way that she is more concerned of my child welfare and i am not doing enough. i dont think my dh truly understands the depth of our situation for him it seems like a one off row between MIL and me and basically we both need to forget and move on, which i find very hard to do atm and in the near future too, but the worst is i have to see her at regular basis which i dont want but i am expected to suck it up and carry on like nothing happened. i wish things get better for both you and me, i really feel the impact of all this in my relationship with dh :(

narcissisticmil.wordpress.com/2014/08/15/denial-and-the-cassandra-complex/comment-page-1/#comment-652

I really feel for you. It's absolutely draining and you're tired enough with a newborn to take care of. MIL was forced on me despite out differences and it affected my mental health hugely. Could you ask that times with them are shortened and you take a nap whilst she is visiting your DC? Anything at all that you can do to remain busy the better whilst your are in her company. I'm now NC with MIL and she takes care of my DC once every couple weeks for a couple of hours, DH drops her off and collects her again so I never have to speak to her.

It got worse and worse as time went on, she now competes with me and will buy presents for DC that I've said we are buying her etc. I've stopped telling her anything but DH couldn't help himself and still has to be reminded not to. 50% of your issue is your DH and it will take a while to get him to realise he needs to change his relationship with his mother. I believe my DH is currently grieving for the loss of his relationship with MIL and it's not nice to watch. I think he's in limbo as to who he now owes his loyalties to and until he realises it's me it's going to a be a very hard road. Thinking of you, make sure you have a support network to help you with this: MN, friends , your own family- you're going to need it. I feel so much better without MIL in the picture... DC feels like mine! :)

P.s the link I've given is great.