My head is spinning

[Starlet1]

My partner is an entertainer. We have been together 6 years.
He has just left for a season working abroad and I am suposed to follow him next week.
Recently though I found out by accident that he has gambled his savings away, 3k+, has taken out credit cards which although have small limits are already maxed out.He has also been texting and phoning at least one woman I know of for the duration of our relationship, even giving her money! So much so that the poor woman believes she is in a relationship with him.
As I say he has gone abroad already. Because he has no money he asked me for £200 I said no, but gave in and gave him half that He kept going on and on anout how he was going abroad with no money and expecting me to give him more. Yes i do have my own income, but i am not a free bank. I have bailed him out many times and never get the momey back I spent most of yesterday looking for some euros I thought, no, knew, were in my purse but they are gone. , maybe I lost them, I don't know.My son thinks otherwise.
The point is, I am still hurt by these revelations and realise all the many lies I have been told over the years.I guess the rosy glasses have gone and I am seeing reality.
Family tell me to go and live abroad for 3 months and enjoy it, but his finances mean that he cannot afford to pay for me to get there, it involves a taxi, train, flight, transport to resort etc -with 3 months of clothing and I am disabled. I have to pay to get there myself which annoyed me as he threw so much money down the drain.
I need to transport my work and for that need to,purchase a cheaper sewing machine than I already own and have that sent out,,plus fabrics, patterns and so on. I cannot just stop working. The whole thing is going to cost me around £500, which at first he said he would pay, but now I know he can't.
The house and car are mine too, and they need sorting out, and I have consultants appointments.... Am I making excuses? I don't know.
It all seems insurmountable, my son says don't go, my father says go, my head is spinning, I don't know what to do ,the sheer logistics of getting there terrify me too, although I know that being disabled I can get assistance
This job came out of the blue so I have only had a week to try and start sorting things out.
People say I am lucky to be given this opportunity, and it is good, so why do I feel depressed about it?
Any logical thoughts please! My brain is muddled.

Don't go. Seriously, don't. Use this time to get used to being apart from him and it will open your eyes to how much better things are when you don't have this manipulative alcoholic parasite hanging off you.

And when the season finishes and he wants to come back to leech off you some more you can tell him you've had a think and no thanks.

Everything of mine is safe. I am going to the bank tomorrow with my son to add him to my accounts just in case anything happens to me.
I am going to get my will sorted too.
I sent him a long email stating all the facts as to why I would not be going.he is frantically trying to get hold of me.
Feeling very stressed

Only my son know the truth.

That's a wise decision.

I think if you really allow yourself to be honest now that you've got this far, and made this big leap of realisation, I'll bet that there is quite a backstory of him gaslighting, manipulation and financial abuse over quite a period of time isn't there?

Stay strong, this won't be an easy ride if he senses he is losing his power over you. I am glad you have your son for support.

I think he was banking on milking you to support him whilst abroad as well

Lovely give yourself some credit, I think under the circumstances you have behaved with
Clarity and courage, lean on your son for a bit while you re group.

You have dodged a bullet. Your in shock and stress right now and you need to try to
Minimise this as much as possible for your health.

Block him on everything so he can't get hold of you, maybe your son can field some calls
Whilst you take a breath.

Failing that I'm happy to speak to him if you want, I haven't had lunch yet

Not one of you thinks I should go!
Hell no!!
He's a feckin' cock!
Cut him off and cut him out.
I'm glad you are sorting everything out for your son.
He's knows what's what!
Don't listen to any more of this guys bullshit.

I suspect he is counting on you going on the trip to subsidise him - that's why he's frantic. Don't be sweet- talked into going, will you?

He owes you money, he then manipulates you to giving him more & gives it to the OW. He has gambled all his savings. he drinks, cheats & has gone off for his job.
Do not let this Tosser back into your home.
He is using you, & you already have plenty of your own problems.
Do not listen to any of his whining & pleading. He is a Cock Lodger.
The very last email should read. "The End".

Bloody hell.
You're right not to go - well done!
Ignore your dad - he's wrong but to be fair sounds like you didn't tell him the truth.

I hope your decision not to go was just a part of you telling him he's dumped?

What a load off your mind not to have a cheating thief in your life now!

I agree with Walk if he needed to borrow a couple of hundred from you before he went away he'll have nothing to live on until he gets paid which might take a month. That's why he's so keen for you to go out there.

I would also think about an sti check.

I'm sorry, my reply was so pleased that you'd said no, that I missed saying that I'm really sorry you're going through this. 6 years is a long time. I expect it hasn't been plain sailing so I hope you're feeling relieved now. But it's horrid to go through

I'll bet he is desperate to get in contact! His free cash machine has stopped working. Where's he supposed to get money for drink, gambling and other women now!

How are you going to resist the guilt trips and declarations of eternal love of your bank account?

"The poor woman thinks she is in a relationship with him", well she actually is in a relationship with him, why would he give her money?? He is cheating on you. It has happened to me, I know what I am talking about unfortunately.

Yes, I imagine there is a bit more to that 'relationship' than you are aware of, He's spun you a line to make you think that it's nothing to make a fuss over and the other woman is deluded.

Yes I know. I had a run in over this other woman when we had not been seeing each other for very long.she lives a long way from here so I do (for once) know that he hasn't been seeing her. BUT I found out this time when I discovered his bank accounts only last month and her name was there repaying money he had lent to her. She was as surprised as I was, she didn't know I still existed. Yet the silly woman thought it ok just to have a relationship by telephone. It's a weird one.
Bottom line is he pretended I did not exist. That hurts more than anything.
He did it behind my back which is never ok.

I doubt it was only a "phone" relationship, I bet he has had sex with her. Like I said it has happened to me. I understand you are trying to find some logical explanation because seeing reality would be very sad for you.

Manipulative alcoholic parasite, as one Pp said. Now that's a good user name.

Another one here signing petition of Listen to your son!

He sounds quite delusional actually, so please don't take seriously anything he says to you; his thinking is twisted. Stay strong; and please don't be scared to share this with someone you trust in RL. You need that support, and this is all his shame not yours. Don't feel you need to protect his reputation

Yet the silly woman thought it ok just to have a relationship by telephone

If she thought that she will have been led to believe that by him, especially if she didn;t think you were around any more.

OP, I think there is something about being in our late 50s that means that we can hang on to the 'unsuitable man' for too long, perhaps in fear of being alone. I certainly did and many of the things you talk about were mirrored in my relationship - the lies, gambling, borrowing money etc.
It took me ages to see him for what he is - I always looked for the best in him rather than looking at what he was actually like. Eventually I dumped him - and was met the the same incredulous behaviour - the lies, outrage, disbelief etc as he saw his 'bank' and support disappearing.
If it's any comfort, I have felt so much better since dumping him. I have been kind to myself - I realised that my only 'fault' was to be foolish and a bit weak and to believe his lies. However his behaviour was unkind, cruel, selfish and manipulative - just like your (hopefully now ex) has behaved.
You sound lovely and I'm sure you'll be fine - I suspect your son has the measure of him. Be kind to yourself and, as someone said upthread, you have dodged a bullet. Any future with him would be full of unhappiness and stress (and your father's views may be from that old generation who sees a woman without a man as inevitably unhappy / vulnerable). Good luck - don't get drawn back in to his lies

Life is to short to put up with this. As other posters have said don't go and free yourself.

He sounds like a complete and utter conman. I hope you do have nothing further to do with him. And don't blame that silly woman - she was taken in by him as were you. She is another of his unfortunate victims. I wouldn't be surprised if there are more.