Is it my turn to get what I want?

[FairySouth]

Sorry long...

After a decade in the NW my dh has given the answer "maybe" for us moving South to be closer to my family.
We currently live near to his and they are lovely people but just don't provide the emotional support that I would like. They have always been there for us financially but considering we only live about 15mins away they see us and dd really infrequently and don't really seem to want to increase that.
My family on the other hand are so supportive emotionally, and financially too. They love spending time with us and dd and I feel sad that they don't get the time they'd like with us.
I'd love to be closer to them and have always wanted to move closer. It was a big mistake not returning after finishing University a decade ago as in hindsight I hope dh would have followed (at the time my self confidence made me think he'd wouldn't and I didn't want to lose him)

We've had some tough times including my depression caused by being far from family, dh almost having an affair of sorts (but it was the lies and disregard for my feelings including doing something that he promised not to do after the "affair") and now dh is out of work after losing his job (not his fault and currently seeking legal advice)

Fast forward to our recent visit to my family (we go for a few days/a week when we can so a lot of holiday days are used visiting) and on the journey home I asked the same question expecting the same answer..... Will we ever move South? And the answer of maybe appeared instead of no.
I think his low mood (possible depression currently awaiting counselling) and our current situation is making him question why we are living in the NW. He seems to think if we did move we'd see his family less as he doesn't think they'd want us to visit for a few days/week and doesn't think they'd really visit us as much as my parents do. He doesn't seem bothered by this at all.
It however only frustrates me more as we are giving the opportunity and time to his parents who he doesn't even think would make the effort if we moved, yet my parents make so much effort all the time and yet don't get the reward of living close to us.

I should point out that my sister and her family live near my parents and she is one of my best friends (I don't really have any here)
I honestly think the only thing keeping him here are his friends who he sees once a week and has done for a decade and the expense of this South. When i asked if leaving his friends was his worry he said no so I'm not sure what's keeping us here.

I'd hate for us to move and him be unhappy but then I don't see why I should be after what he has put me through. I love him and don't want to separate at all but want him to make that compromise sometimes. I feel like I've always put his happiness before mine and want to feel like I come first for once.
How do I approach this? Is it OK to push forward with my desire to move South as if we did it, it would have to be before dd started school (she is 2.5) and we'd need to plan for it.

Being close to a family doesn't mean they will visit or provide any support which you have now seen with your in-laws. So I would be looking to move asap. Could Dh look for a job near to your parents and start the ball rolling?

We lived over 3 hours away from both our families and relocated with Dh's job so we are now 1 hour away. We moved when Ds1 was a toddler.

Both our parents lived in the same town, but my Mum came over every week without fail and my in-laws every 6 weeks. For my PIL our children are their only grandchildren too.

Having that support and contact was a life saver for us, my Mum babysat whilst Dh and I went out and looked after them on a weekend when we attended weddings etc .

My Mum sadly died a few years ago from cancer. She was symptom free and was diagnosed from a mammogram. She was dead 10 weeks later. How would you feel if you ummed and ahhhed about moving, put it off and something happened? Would you blame your Dh for dithering?

Take it from me, spend time with the people who want to spend time with you.

The south east is really, really expensive! Have you worked out how much you'd need to earn to afford housing, childcare, transport etc?

After his affair, do you actually trust him now?

If the finances add up it'd make sense for him to job hunt down there now, before DD starts school (getting into schools is also an issue here).

You seem very hung up on having made the "wrong" decision ten years ago. It sounds like he might well NOT have followed you back then.

If you're so upset each time and so enmeshed with your family it might actually make sense to visit less frequently, or without DH.

I am living in the south because of DH. I'm pretty sure that had I moved back up north when we were first together (as I wanted to and we argued over) we wouldn't have stayed be together, which is sad but probably not unusual.

I would still prefer to live up north but perhaps the grass is always greener: we both have good jobs here and so on. I have made more friends since making more of an effort - pre DC I spent a LOT of time on trains visiting old friends, which is sadly no longer possible.

I would now not move back even if DH and I ever split up because it'd affect the DC and him so negatively and much as it's not where I envisaged living it's fine and has some benefits.

OP, I moved away like you and it hurts me till today even with a wonderful DH. I can't afford to move back now. Unless I don't see my kids for most of the day for work. But for me they are too young for that and I will never get that time back with them. On the other hand I will not have enough to move south. I too have tears every time I come back. First it was missing family big time but then I realised the south is my home and it has been so different where I live now and I have tried, I've tried a lot to settle here. I feel for you and I feel for myself lol but if you can move then go for it. You deserve the chance.

Thanks for all the thoughts. They are really useful to try and see what options are there.

I know that money will be our issue but I've never really fully looked into it as there's never been the slightest chance of us going. Yes it would be hard but this last year has been horrible for me and I want to make a change in our life if we can.
I've found that money isn't everything and unfortunately we are both in a situation where someone will be unhappy in some respect as we would prefer to live in different places. I don't think that means we can't figure it out though but there needs to be give and take and it feels like for the major decisions it's always me giving.

My parents already help out with my nieces and nephews and dm always comments that she'd help us too if she was closer. Also dsis works part time and has commented about helping too if she was closer.
I think if I saw positives being here then maybe it would be easier. But with limited friends, working f/t so I get very little time with dd anyway and a lot of other factors (including that worry that my parents are getting older and I'm wasting time being apart from them) i just want to go.

I couldn't stand visiting my family less either to make things "easier" as I really doubt that would. I love seeing them and watching my sisters children grow. I want to be part of their lives and visits are one of the things I look forward to which help me through the bad days.

I think the conclusion is that I have a lot of research to do to provide an accurate and realistic option and at that point (if it's feasible) then it isn't really unreasonable to expect him to properly think of it as a legitimate option.

Price it up, look for jobs. Speak to your mum and ask what help she would offer if you moved closer (spell it out "there's a job at X that I'm thinking of applying for but if we move we need to price up if it'll work, could you do 2 days childcare a week?"). Do not commit to move then find she's already at capacity with your sisters dc.

To start with, I'd look at what rents are like in your parents town and what rent you'd get for your house, if it isn't selling up your house up north to start with, your DH might be happier to give it a go and view it as truthfully a 1/2 year move to see if you like it.

Remember you don't need your dh's permission to move, although you can't force him to go with you.

It wouldn't, however, be OK - and possibly not allowed should her H go to court - for Op just to leave with the DC!

You might find that if you move you'll both need to work even more and/or commute due to higher costs.

Agree that you also need to establish what nature of "help" your family could offer, and not rely financially on this as their circumstances could change.