I'm in turmoil at the moment over a stupid lie that DP has told me and it has now spiralled into a possible break up situation.
DP and I have been together for 12 years, had our ups and downs but mainly had issues with his dishonesty - he got into debt years ago, he covered it up until we nearly lost everything and he even stole off me. I realise debt can take over peoples lives and with the proviso he got help and went into a debt management scheme we muddled through.
The fact he had lied albeit to protect me hurt terribly but we moved forward with the condition of no more lies. Over the years we have had our ups and downs but lately I thought we where in a really good place.
DP has overall responsibility for a foreign company and is in charge of day to day issues. I went to help out in his office recently and was working with his secretary she is a really nice chatty person and said to me oh you should come on the company corporate hospitality day, it is really fun and we have a right laugh partying, drinking, dancing and the hotel is great. I know DP organises an event each year with customers which culminates with a dinner, free drinks at pubs and hotel stay. I went many years ago but he moved the event for costing and location reasons so have not been since.
It turns out for the past two years he has secretly invited his secretary along to the daytime and the evening entertainment and also the hotel stay. It is just her and 15 male customers. Nobody else from his office attends and he has never mentioned her being there. I confronted DP and asked why he deliberately hadn't mentioned her attending and he looked me straight in the face and lied saying she only attended the daytime activity.
I really do not think cheating is an issue here but it is the fact he kept it a secret. He travels with all the office abroad to the firms Christmas party every year, whenever DP used to make sarcastic comments about close relationships with ex male colleagues I used to tell him to shut up as he gets on great with his secretary and goes away each year to the office party so he cant moan if I go out for a meal with a group of male and female work friends at Christmas too. He calls this nagging which if that is what it is then I suppose I am guilty of it.
Anyway when at home we had an almighty row over his blatant deception and further lies when caught out. This poor woman has done nothing wrong but chat to me about something she already thought I was aware of. He then admitted he never thought I would find out and he would of continued to take her if none of this came to light. His reasoning is that he wanted to avoid earache with my nagging if he admitted to taking her. It has come to light that two years ago a customer dropped out of the event at short notice so he invited her along after she suggested she would like to go when he mentioned the hotel was already booked, he then made the decision to deliberately not tell me.
He always comes home and shows me the photos of the event that I now now she takes and tells me how successful the break was. He clearly must carefully edit out any with her in them.
Why the hell would any sane person keep this a secret? Why not tell me about her going? Surely he knew the shit would hit the fan if I ever found out he had lied? Why tell an even bigger lie when found out? (that was the worst part of it for me). He thinks she should go as she helps organise it which is fair enough but I think he should of at least told me he would be taking her along. Thousands of men and women work away together day in day out and have fantastic platonic working relationships but surely their partners know about this? I imagine his secretary would be really uncomfortable to find out about all these lies.
He has made the whole thing look sordid and I know in my heart it wasn't as 15 other people where there, but I cant get past the lies about it being a boys only event then lying again when confronted then admitting he would of happily continued with the lie going forward.
Sorry for the essay but didn't want to drip feed. Any advice appreciated, including telling me to get a grip.