Am I selfish to expect DP to spend time with me after operation?

[HospitalHassler]

I had extensive abdominal surgery last Friday, and came out of hospital on Sunday. My DP took Mon & Tues off work to look after me, and since then my Mum has been helping out.

DP works Saturdays, but has next Sunday and Monday off. So he's just announced that he wants to go and do his hobby next Sunday dependent on how well I am. If I still need care, he'll stay home and care for me, but if I'm well enough to be left alone, he'll go out for the day.

I got upset ,and said that he's basically saying he'll be with me if he has to, but if he doesn't have to, he's off. I said that I'm home alone all day every day from now on, and it would have been nice for him to want to be with me to cheer me up. He said "don't expect me to hang around with you for the next 4 weeks" (the amount of time I'm likely to be off sick) and "I'm not the one who has had an operation", and "your family don't want to be with you, so you should be used to it".

He thinks that by offering to spend the day with me on Monday, that's plenty and I'm being selfish expecting him to give up his Sunday for me as well.

I think that he ought to actually want to be with me, to see me happy and to cheer me up. Am I the selfish one?

I'm lying in bed sobbing, less than a week post op, while he snores next to me.

He's definitely not ready to be a parent - that means putting the dc first always! What's he gonna be like if you and dc are sick eg if there's a difficult birth?

What am I going to do about it? Nothing, if I'm honest. We ordinarily have a good relationship. He has always had moments of selfishness, sometimes acts like a single man (i.e. buying things for himself, doing things with his mates without discussing it with me) but he has never tried to stop me doing the same. So it can be occasionally annoying. THis time it's hurtful.

This is who he is. Take that on board. This is what you can expect from him, throughout your relationship, and what your children can expect. For some people, probably those who also like to behave "single", this is fine. For others, it isn't.

I think part of this comes down to loneliness. I get very isolated stuck at home (not allowed to drive), so I could literally go a whole week without seeing anyone else. So days spent with him / days out will be precious.

And this is worrying. I get lonely too. I'm lonely after I've been on my own for five minutes. I can't drive because of my health. I've been there, where you are relying on your partner to keep you company. It's not healthy, although it's incredibly hard to see that in the moment. Do you have friends that could visit? Do you generally rely on him more than he relies on you?

If you had someone else, a close friend or family member or someone you really like, who could come and see you on Sunday - would you still mind him not being there?

There's a lot of nuances, although it will always come down to his personality, and that is to behave single half the time and not have that much consideration for you. I'm not sure you sound like you can put up with that. And I'd also be concerned that you'll get closer when you're fit and able again, but when you've got children who get sick/have plans/generally affect your life, he'll still be off living the single life and wondering why you're upset. And if you get sick and need to rely on him, I'm not totally sure he'd be there.

The loneliness is just while I'm off sick - I work full time, so normally it's fine. If I could get someone else to spend sunday would I mind him not being there? No, not really - although I still think he ought to want to spend time with me. We like being together (or so I thought).

He has done this before, he let me down last time I had surgery by promising to take time off work, then deciding to go in once he thought I looked ok.

I've just spoken to him (because he had failed to lift something out that I'd asked him to do today, so I need to know where it is) - he asked how I was, I said I felt terrible because I'm in pain and have a bad headache after getting little sleep last night. He said "Yeah you're not the only one". I said "POOR YOU!" and he put the phone down.

FFS. Am I being a princess here?

Yes and I usually have to ask him multiple times. Which I hate doing. I put it down to him just not seeing what needs doing.

But then he does other stuff without being asked.

But yesterday he stood by while I lifted something heavy and awkward because I didn't want to ask him yet again, I walked right past him - I told him he really shouldn't have let me do that.

PLEASE get this sorted or get rid BEFORE you have kids. If you think you feel lonely now add to that baby brain, baby blues, sleep deprivation and a crying baby!

Plus if he can't even manage 4 WEEKS of forgoing his hobby how is he going to manage giving it up if necessary when you have dc? Answer - he won't! He'll leave it all to you. You've said he still acts like he's single. My ex was like this I foolishly thought he'd change after dd born nope! He went the whole hog of 'being single' and acquired 2 ow!

"Yes and I usually have to ask him multiple times." I give it a week till he starts calling you a nag!

I dunno, my perspective on his doing him hobby on Sunday is a bit different to PP's. It's full-on being in a relationship with someone who has health problems, (clearly, not as full-on as having the health problems oneself) and I actually think it's important to have time to decompress. When my DH was ill I got depressed from the worry, plus spending every moment of my life working, looking after our kids, doing 100% of the housework/admin/gardening. It made me grumpy when I was with him. He pointed this out, as did my family, and all rallied round to spend time with him so I could get out with friends regularly. Eventually I even picked up a new activity - running - to give myself another outlet.

Your partner's unkind comments are unacceptable, but my own experience makes me wonder if he's insisting on the time to himself because he can tell that he's snapping at you, doesn't like it, and needs that time and space to decompress? If so, then regular time that he gets on his own/with his friends would be good.

Is there anyone else you could call on more practical or emotional support?

I agree Somerville.that it's a great strain when a partner or close family member is ill. I've experienced this from both sides myself on a long-term basis. Feeling the strain and needing down time is fine (and why can't he actually say that?), snapping, being unkind, and not stepping up with household tasks are not.

He sounds really not very nice. He should be wanting to do these things, let alone need persuading! let ALONE making nasty comments! you should find someone who wants to be there for you OP. I'm so sorry you're ill and going through this without kindness and support from him.

The basis of any sustainable long term relationship is kindness. If that's not there, your expectations are built on sand. He is not fundamentally kind and will let you down badly in the future if it conflicts with his own interests.

My exH was like this. I became more and more ill, and he decided he'd had enough of waiting for me to be what he wanted me to be, so off he popped.

It's not like he was even having to do anything extra while I was sick; I was still doing almost all of the chores even when I came out of hospital.

If he'd hung on another month or so, we may have carried on as we were since I became much more well thanks to new meds, and now do all of the sporty things he wanted me to be able to do, but with better people!

If he's huffing while you're recovering from an op, what's he going to be like when you're recovering from birth, or a C section, or learning to cope with babies and toddlers?

If you were asking him to stay home every Sunday in the next 4 weeks I would say that was a bit much. But just this one, only a week out of hospital, I think he should stay home.
I do think you need to address the loneliness, it's not healthy for him to be your only company for a month. After my operation I booked a few friends to ring me during their lunch hour for some human contact. You will also need to start to get out walking etc to aid recovery. I assume you are back to work in a month? Depending on where you live by the end of the month you may be able to pop to a local shop, cafe or library. It feels wrong to be out and about when you are off sick but it's essential to build your strength back up. I was told I should be able to walk a mile by the time I went back to work.

The basis of any sustainable long term relationship is kindness. If that's not there, your expectations are built on sand. He is not fundamentally kind and will let you down badly in the future if it conflicts with his own interests.

^^ This.

Hi OP,

Sorry you're feeling miserable. My XH was like this if I was ever ill. He behaved as if I was 'doing it' to annoy him. He seemed to take it as a personal slight, and was grumpy and sulking if I had to take to my bed - as if I was deliberately skanking out of my parenting responsibilities! He didn't appear actually to care about me. The most I got was a grudging 'how are you?' out of the side of his mouth. I couldn't understand it, and yes, it was really hurtful. It made me feel guilty and apologetic - when I was bloody ill for god's sake! What sort of person does this? - I now ask myself. The sort of person that doesn't respect or like you, that's what.

He is not treating you with any kind of love or respect OP - you have to ask yourself why that is. And I don't mean in the internalising 'what-can-I-have-done-to-make-him-treat-me-this-way' manner. I mean you need to get to the simple answer: i.e. 'I am not being treated with love and respect. This could be because that my partner does not love or respect me.' He can say what he likes - he is treating you badly, why would a person who loves you treat you like this?! All the other stuff is just fluff that you can analyse and over-analyse (like I did!) to your hearts content.

Your head, heart and guts are giving you useful warning signals. You are not crying for no reason. You're not crying coz you're a wuss. Yes, you are post-op, but you are crying because you are in genuine distress...because there is genuine conflict. The conflict is in the pain of being in a so-called loving relationship with a partner who is supposed to care for you... and then he signally is not caring for you. Of course that makes you cry tears of utter grief and confusion! I feel your pain OP... but you do need to reflect on what his behaviour is telling you. I don't know how long you have been together, and I know all about investing in a relationship, but ... as others have said, I would seriously caution against having babies with this man. I am absolutely positive, from what you write, that his behaviour would get even worse once you're pregnant or have a baby.

OP I'm so sorry you are in this kind of situation and I'm wishing you the lightest and quickest recovery.

I will repeat PPs here and will reconsider having this person in your life...

I was ready to commit to someone, end up being unwell, didn't get any messages asking how I'm feeling, I cut him off no matter how hard it was...
Had a little procedure late May, still have bruises but I'm in good form and feel much better. I had to meet up with someone and this procedure came out. He asked me how I was feeling the same day, then disappeared for the next 2 days. He texted after 4 days from operation to find out I was indoors for the whole time. When I offered him to talk on the phone in the evening that day he said he will try to call but never did.
I allowed it to stay that way...
If he would support me through this I would easily commit (I usually afraid of commitments) but he didn't and I know his true colours.

Why I consider this kind of situations as important is just because my dad is like that... Mum complained few times about dad acting this way and I took it into consideration.
It's in those weak moments you realise who is by your side and who is not...
Please reconsider the idea of having children with him, you have 4 weeks to think about it...
I would rather not to speak my mind here but I'm stating it only due to experience.
💐 for you.

A friend of mine was planning her wedding to a guy when she became ill with a long term but not permanent condition. He became impatient, snappy and irritable because he didn't like her not being as outdoorsy and active as they had been. She binned him (not easily and with great deliberation). She then met her lovely husband.

Marriage is intended to be a lifelong commitment. In that time people get sick/injured and need caring for that includes pregnancy and birth (hg, spd, diabetes, mc, traumatic or Caesarian birth, baby sick etc etc)

How would he cope with having to lift laundry baskets etc over 9 months?

Bacon - how horrible for your friend, but at the same time, what a stroke of luck!!

You've been given a very good insight into how he behaves when you are at your most vulnerable. It's the measure of a relationship, these tough times.

This is exactly how he'll be once baby no.1 arrives, once you're lonely on mat leave, sleep deprived, low, under-confident with your newborn, exhausted from weeks of no sleep. THIS is exactly what it'll be like.

It's quite an insight. Ignore it at your peril.

I would not start a family with this man

Your post is uncannily similar to the treatment I received from my exH. As you said he is fair weather only. Unless you are planning never to need help/support from him, he's not a keeper. Sorry.

Take care of yourself, get well soon.

He sounds awful, tbh.

I find the problem is with many of his responses to you. He doesn't seem to have a clue how to deal with someone who is ill or injured. You aren't asking him to give up every single weekend or day off because of you, nor are you saying that he doesn't need or shouldn't have his own downtime. You just want him to help out where necessary and be a comforting presence in the early days (one week out of hospital is early days).

I have had various illnesses and problems over our 23 year marriage, several of which have necessitated support from DH and other family members.

In February this year I fell and shattered my right arm whilst visiting my DD1, a student then still on her year abroad in Paris. I had emergency surgery on that and am still not fully recovered as the bones have not healed as they should have so might need further surgery later this year.

It has meant that DH and my DDs have had to give me a lot of extra support this year - DD3 cooked most meals, DD2 walked and cared for the dogs, DH did have to go to work but also did laundry and stuff around the house, was the sole taxi service to the DDs and had to drive me to hospital appointments whilst I was still prevented from driving myself.

I won't pretend there were never any tensions, or that any of them were or are saints (they aren't, and neither am I), but all was done in the end. I must admit though, it has brought home to them how much I actually do for all of them in addition to working part time myself and that is no bad thing in the end.

Are you confident that your DP would provide that level of support, OP? It is a question to consider and only you really know the answer.

This, is just glimpses of the least you will feel at times if you have babies with this man. Don't do it to yourself.

Please don't have kids with this guy.