Needing a friend and advice after a horrible break up where I was left pregnant

[heythere96]

Sorry in advance for the long thread, I just really need a friend right now and someone to vent to.

I was with my ex boyfriend for 4 years. I was his first girlfriend. He's 22 and I'm 20.

3 months ago he left me completely out of the blue. He sent me a text message one night when he had finished work just ending our relationship. I was so confused and hurt. I tried to get in contact with him that entire night but he wouldn't speak to me. I found out the next day he had gone out and gotten drunk and just decided to ignore me. The alcohol is what probably gave him the confidence to end our relationship.
I never suspected anything. We hadn't argued in a long time, we had regular sex and we spent plenty of time together. I had noticed a few months before he left me however that he was becoming more involved with his friends, but at the time I didn't say much about it as I didn't care. I figured it was just guys being guys.

A month after he left me I was rushed into hospital with a kidney infection. They found out there that I was pregnant, around 2 months. My best friend contacted my ex as I didn't want to. He called me instantly and at first was very supportive but as the days and weeks went on he became more and more hostile until he one day got to the point where he was totally ignoring all of my texts and calls about scan dates and such.

The part is hard for me, but one day I began bleeding heavily. My parents rushed me to the hospital and I found out I had lost my baby. I had been 3 and a half months pregnant so kind of bordering on a 'late' miscarriage. The doctors and midwives couldn't give me any answer as to why this had happened but they said stress of my break up and other things COULD have induced it.
I made one last attempt to contact my ex. I emailed him the discharge letter I had received from the hospital and I told him I'd lost the baby. I didn't divulge any further into things because I was so heart broken with everything and still am. Of course he never replied.

Me and my ex hadn't spoken in a month or so as he obviously decided to begin ignoring me, and I saw him on a night out at the weekend.
I refused to go anywhere near him as I could tell he was getting very hostile. He evidently didn't want to see or speak to me either. My friend was quite drunk so she went and spoke to him - before I could even stop her.
She came back to me and told me that he had said I'd made him unhappy in the relationship and he left me because he 'just wanted to be happy' I was so angry about this. I can't even explain to you guys how angry I was because I didn't think I was making him unhappy. Towards the end we never argued, we had no issues. He was never the sort of guy to keep his feelings tucked away inside so a part of me thought his claims were bullshit.
He then went on to tell my best friend he knew I had lied about my pregnancy. My best friend asked him what proof he had and he said he didn't have any, he just 'knew I had lied'

Anyway, because I was angry I went and found him in the night club. I asked him why he was claiming I had made him unhappy in the relationship. He couldn't give me much answer in all honesty, he just said I had made him unhappy and that he had moved on now so 'you need to move on too'
I then asked him why he thought I had lied about losing his baby when I had made countless attempts to contact him and get him involved. He ignored me and said "Can I go now?" and with that he walked off to his friends.

Now I'm beating myself up about it. Why couldn't I have just made him happier? Why didn't I ask him the day he dumped me if everything was ok? If he was happy with me? Maybe I could have saved myself all of this heart break and confusion as this has been the worst 3 months of my life. I didn't eat properly for 2 months or sleep. I missed him so badly, all the plans we had for the future just smashed into pieces over 1 text message. Why didn't I realise I was making him unhappy?? Why didn't he tell me before it was too late??? I'd have still been with him now if he had just told me the truth, enjoying the summer together like we always did.

I guess he didn't tell me because he didn't WANT to save the relationship, and that hurts. It hurts that he just walked out of my life and he doesn't care. He even told me to my face that he doesn't care that he hurt me because he's 'over it now' This wasn't the guy I fell in love with, that guy would've done anything for me. He used to say to me "You need to realise you've found a good guy, you've found a guy that won't just leave you" and in a sense I suppose that partially brain washed me because I truly believe I won't find anyone who treats me as good, who loves me as hard as he did. I wasn't always an easy person to be with, neither of us were but in the last 8 months of our relationship we both sought out therapy and counselling and we never argued anymore. Everything was so calm. My friends and family even said this. My best friend said "Out of all the times you SHOULD have broken up you never did, but when you shouldn't have broken up, you did"

Our last Christmas together for example was amazing. We both worked extra shifts at work so we could buy each other these amazing, expensive, elaborate presents (As stupid as it sounds now) and we spent Christmas Eve together, just in bed cuddling. For the first time in months he called me beautiful. He stopped calling me beautiful towards the end but the last time he ever called me beautiful was at Christmas and that sticks with me. It was all so amazing, so for it to just end over a text 2 and a half months later is totally beyond me, still to this day I'm in partial shock. I had to sell all of the things he bought for me for Christmas as I just couldn't look at them anymore. I bet he hasn't done the same. I bet he still plays the games console I bought him.

The hardest part about all of this is that it's evident he doesn't regret his decision. He's had plenty of no contact to calm down yet he still wasn't happy to see me that night. He doesn't regret his decision at all, it was probably the best decision he ever made. I'm in tears even typing this because I wasn't good enough for someone. I wasn't enough of a catch for him to tell me he was unhappy and try and work through it. Instead he just threw me out with the trash after 4 years. He threw me out whilst I was pregnant and then went on to call me a liar.

The hardest part about all of this is that I'm numb to him now, I don't even remember what it was like to be with him. I can't ever imagine him being my boyfriend again, but at the same time I still refer to him as my 'boyfriend' sometimes when I speak to people, just as a tongue slip. I still sometimes call other people by his name. I'm still slightly broken. The fact he told me he has now moved on hurts. It's only been 3 months, can someone really recover in 3 months from a 4 year relationship break down? I know I certainly haven't. The other part that hurts is knowing that he's never coming back for definite now. He made it very clear in the night club that he was done with me. In my stupid head I figured that if he had a few months alone he'd learn to miss me, but he obviously hasn't. We planned a life together, kids, travelling, a house - now he'll do all of that with someone else whilst I'm stuck picking up the pieces of losing his baby and his love.

Please give me advice and insight.

I forgot to add - Yesterday my mum sat me down and said that a few weeks previously she had received an inbox from my ex's sister asking if they could meet and have a 'chat'
His family have NEVER contacted mine before so it's obvious she was only contacting my mum to find out more about my pregnancy or to prove that I was lying.
My ex obviously went and told his family I had lied about being pregnant so his sister decided to take matters into her own hands and thought she would go through my mother to find the truth out. This didn't end well for her at all because my mum just never bothered to reply to her. I texted my ex and told him to leave me and my family alone from now on and to not contact any of us ever again.

It sounds rough especially with the baby. Yes some people can recover in 3 months but it's not a race.

You met very young and you will inevitably have changed a lot and you'll keep on changing. You'll find someone who's right for you now, not how you were at 16.

Cut all ties with him and his family.

Oh and tell your friends to stop stirring

It's very painful, but the best thing to do is cut all ties with him and his family. What a total dick he is.

You're right, I DO wish my friend hadn't gone and spoken to him.

LAter that night when she was still drunk, she said to me "Your ex was actually really nice to me, he doesn't seem that bad"

This honestly felt like I'd been stabbed in the stomach. Of course he was nice to her, he didn't want to cause a scene in a busy night club infront of his friends. We're speaking here of a guy who has alot of pride. I just wish she hadn't spoken to him.

Doesn't sound like a great friend to me- either to do that or tell you that.

Sorry you lost your baby
Your "friend" is no such thing, she is stirring. She is making things worse instead of encouraging you to move on. I suggest you drop her and focus on building friendships with more supportive people.
And do your best to stop thinking about your ex. Give it some time but if you're struggling to move on and feel OK in yourself, you could consider counselling. It may well help with your feelings of loss (the relationship and baby).

Very sorry for all that you've been through.

Don't beat yourself up about stuff: it's common for people who decide to end relationships (or to cheat) for all kinds of reasons (eg they just want to shag other people and/or not "settle down") to think and say negative things about their partner. Kind of a script.

Go total no contact with your ex and his family. It doesn't matter in the end what they think or say about you, although claiming you lied about the pregnancy you sadly lost seems potentially libellous!

As PPs say your friend was not supportive. Hope you have other RL help.

I'm just so annoyed that he's obviously been sat discussing me with his family and they're all sat thinking I'm this crazy liar that just wants their son back.
It's really angered me that his sister tried to go behind my back and ask my mum things just to try and catch me out, as I'm sure that's why she did it. I think she expected my mum to inbox her right back, agree to meet her and then she was going to ask my mum if I was 'really pregnant' or something in a bid to cause trouble for me. Well it didn't work because I WAS pregnant and my family KNEW this. It all just seems like a sick little game on his sisters part. She's only 3 years older than me.

She/they have been total dicks (as has he) but they can be put in a box as such and avoided.

What I don't understand is how he and his family could accuse me of lying when I invited them/him to every appointment about the baby. He just chose to never show up, claiming I was a liar.

What did he really expect to happen? Did he think I could stage an entire pregnancy scan? Or did he think I was going to lure him somewhere and have my wicked way with him until the false claim of a pregnancy scan? It's quite funny when I sit and think about it as he's probably the stupidest, most unintelligent person I've ever come across.

Under the false claim** Sorry, I'm angry typing haha

People can persuade themselves of all sorts of things when they want to justify ending a relationship suddenly. He wouldn't have thought through what would have happened if he turned up to a scan.

heythere you have really been through the ringer.

I know when I met DH he was a similar age to your ex. He had just come out of a relationship which I imagine left his ex in a similar emotional state although she did not have the added trauma of a pregnancy to deal with. She was convinced we had gotten together before they split because to her it was a complete shock but in reality we got together at least 3 months after the split.

DH just changed a lot during their relationship as he matured/grew up and he just did not feel the same way about her for many months from the end. He made the emotional split in the months leading up to their actual split while he tried to work out was he getting itchy feet or was he actually not in love. By the time they actually split up completely he was absolutely certain of his decision and so must have appeared really cold and definite to his girlfriend.

In all the years after I have only heard him referring back to their time together as a very positive time in his life and I have never heard a negative word about his ex. As far as I am aware DH has only bumped into his ex a small number of times and they have just had small talk and walked on.

I think your ex just was a lot clearer in his own mind on ending your relationship when he did and was a total dick about the pregnancy because he was so definite about your split. It sounds like you did actually have a really good relationship but unfortunately he grew out of it. It is shit that he behaved so appallingly afterwards. I think you have a lot you need to get though but communicating with your ex in any way would be negative for you. Maybe counselling might help move through this time.

and hugs for you during this difficult time.

I figured it was something to do with him brain washing himself honestly. All of my family and friends said he should have just come to the scan even if he didn't believe me, as surely if I had been lying it would've been him proving me wrong?
I didn't ask him to meet me anywhere shady or anything like that, I literally told him to meet me at the maternity unit of our local hospital at 11am on the day of the scan. He blocked my number after this, never responded to me or came to the scan and then told my friend I was lying.

I guess I would understand his disbelief if I had said to him "Meet me at my house for a coffee and THEN we will go to the baby scan winkwink nudgenudge'" but I didn't, I was 100% professional about all of this with him and mature.

Of course you were. But 10 minutes of Jeremy Kyle will tell you that people do invent a pregnancy after a break up. So you've been unfairly tarred by that brush.

Honestly he's not worth this. You could have been stuck in a long term relationship him and his family and you're not now. He's not a catch.

Op, he sounds like an immature dick. And your friend is no friend.

Stop asking yourself what you could have done to keep him - why would you want to?

And move on.

Forget him. He's so not worth it.