Feel like I'm going nuts

[Gingercat9]

Hi, this is my first time posting anything like this, and I don't know how to use The DD thing properly! I feel like I'm going crazy. I've had depression for a while and pretty bad anxiety for the last year. I've only just begun to think that my husband is the trigger for my anxiety. Any time we have a disagreement, I usually give in for an easy life and end up feeling terrible and the anxiety comes back. I'm know I'm not particularly good at communicating, so have spent ages thinking that I need to change or that I'm just not seeing the situation properly and my head goes around in circles. Yesterday I tried to be assertive and to start standing up for myself. We had a small disagreement in the morning that I thought would be a good thing to start with. H is a stay at home dad at the moment (another whole issue) and we'd all been ill over the bank holiday and I went back to work Tuesday, leaving him with DDx2 as usual. He had his sister over to help Tuesday and as he wasn't feeling well still I asked my mum to take the kids yesterday PM. Everyone was on the mend and he only had to get through yesterday Am on his own. In the morning he said to me that I had to stay home from work to help out, to which I replied that I couldn't as it is my really busy time at work, if there was one day I couldn't take off it was yesterday. He then put his angry look on and went into a sulk and didn't speak to me before I left for work. I spent the whole day wound up with anxiety and decided to tackle it head on when I got home. I said I'd been really stressed all day because of the morning, to which I got the response that he had been more stressed, that I didn't listen to him, that I abandoned him, what if something awful had happened to them (implying that if it did it would be my fault), what exactly would he have to say to get me to stay at home next time, that my job won't be there forever but hopefully this family will. He never fails to astound me. I was at a loss. I felt a bit better that we'd had it out but I am far from happy. I'm not in the wrong here am I? I wasn't being unreasonable? I think the anxiety I felt all day was because I knew that's what I'd have to face when I got home. This is just one example...any advice most welcome please and thank you x

Its not you, its him. He is the one being unreasonable here as well as being abusive towards you. Sulking is also a control method such types use because it also works for them. He cannot even do one single morning without moaning or requiring further help that you provide for him. Everything he does is always your fault isn't it; never his. That is also a tactic that emotionally abusive men use as well.

Why is he a SAHD at present?.

Abuse is about power and control. If discussion and compromise was able to assist here it would have worked by now. You always discuss and compromise, he never does. He ties you up in emotional knots, I think you are right in that he is the root cause of your anxiety and depressed state. He enjoys this seeing you suffer.

Why are you and he together at all, what do you get out of this relationship?. What needs of yours is he meeting here?.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships?. What do you think they are learning from you both here about relationships?.

Would you want your children as adults to end up with a man like their dad; you are currently showing them that this is acceptable to you on some level.

Thanks Attila. It's funny I saw a councillor for a bit and she said he was controlling and it was a surprise to me at the time, but I'm coming to think that may be right. We generally get along ok but it is only if everything is going his way. The SAHD has been since Jan. He was a teacher and it was very stressful for all of us. He worked all evening and weekend and was unbearably snappy and moody, and I was v tired from keeping the house together as well as working. It is a very hard job, but the thing is this isn't the first time he's quit a job. I supported him through re-training only 5 years ago. It seems like any time something hard comes up or goes wrong it's everyone else's fault but his. Every time. And he changes his story on things as well from 'i always wanted to teach' to 'I always Said this job would only be for a while' to ' always wanted to spend time with the kid's to currently 'this was only ever going to be for a year max'. I don't know what to think or where I stand. And I always have to deal with the moods and brooding. It puts me on edge. I didn't want him to quit his job, and it was only a matter of weeks before he had his first kick off about how hard it was for him at home. We are at the point now where he's had enough of it again. When I've tried to speak to him about feeling on edge and unsettled I am accused of not being supportive of him.God sorry it all sounds so petty. Am I making a mountain out a molehill? Probably but maybe not. So confused.

You need to read "why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft

Thanks Lucy been having a look at the reviews, looks.like.it might be helpful.

Go back to the counsellor. Sounds like she'll get your head on straight. Why did you stop going?