Help me make sense of this

[shopaholic999]

Regular lurker here..have posted about this before but didn't get any replies..

Basically..I have no idea what is going on anymore.

To try and cut a long story short..I've recently realised that I have been emotionally abused and controlled most of my life by my mum and the only way I can describe my step dads behaviour towards me is that he groomed me for years, created unhealthy feelings for me over many years..I'm talking from the ages of 12-15 when I finally told my mum everything! She didn't believe me and continued the relationship with him which meant I had to still live with him!!

I have recently gone nc with m and sd..but it's only now that they are out of my life that I'm really struggling to deal with everything that I've been through. I can't make sense out of anything. I've turned really bitter towards anything and anyone. Dh has been brilliant through everything but last night we ended up arguing and both said some hurtful things..the worst being that I no longer wanted to be with him!? The thing is, I'm not sure if it's what I really want or whether I'm struggling to deal with my past. I feel I just want to pack my children up, move to somewhere no one knows me and to shut the world out. I'm hurting today knowing I've hurt dh..he's never ever given me any reason to want to leave him but I worry I will take action on my thoughts of leaving and break his heart and the family up..!!

I've considered councilling, but I just don't understand/know how I would benefit from it. It Isnt something we could afford private and I'm not sure if my GP would refer me.

What I'm asking is..are my feelings normal considering what I've been through..growing up I knew I wanted to surround myself with a loving family, which I have now but I'm pushing my nearest and dearest away..!!

I've been on ad's before and feel I have come a huge way from my last bout of depression which I owe to dh..so why the pushing away!?

Sorry for the long post, my heads a messy and thanks for reading if you've got this far.

Sorry you didn't get an answer before. No experience here, but counselling (for a very different thing) has really helped me, so I'd encourage you not to rule it out.

What happened to you was abuse and none of that was your fault in any way shape or form. I have no personal experience but I think that your feelings are very much valid and normal.

I am sorry your mother chose to side with her man over you as her daughter. Am glad to read that both of them are no longer in your life.

I would consider calling NAPAC on 0808 801 0331; they could help you.

GP should refer you but NHS counselling has long waiting lists and you could wait a long time to be seen. Also you would only likely receive a limited number of sessions. Hence the suggestion to call NAPAC as listed above.

Thanks a lot for replying..

Think I will ring my GP up and see about either going back on ad's or therapy!!

The thing is, I maintained a relationship with both m and sd up until 2 years ago..so what I don't understand is why only now am I struggling to process everything..we had what seemed to be a perfect relationship..as I've got older I've realised I don't like sd very much and backed away from him!!

I could end up ruining my marriage if I don't get sorted..

Would marriage counselling be a good idea, initially? To give you two the time and space to talk about all this? I think with Relate you only pay what you can afford.

I've no idea what would help anymore.

I feel if I actually had somewhere to go then I would of left by now..which scares the hell out of me..I just can't deal with relationships at the moment.

In that case I think you should make it an urgent priority to call that NAPAC number that Attila gave you up there. ^

I think I have to, along with getting a GP appt!!!

Thank u all x