Miserable DH, what do I do?

[mamasaddo]

I don't know if I am being awful even writing this but I feel like I need advice - either for you to tell me to pull myself together or, maybe you'll see what I mean?

Basically, most of the time my husband is miserable, moody and grumpy. I feel as though I have no happiness in my life but I don't know if that's because of him or me and I don't know what to do about it!!

I see people on here writing about their abusive partners and I feel so ridiculous but honestly, I have never known such a miserable existence. I can't explain it properly but say, we go out for the day, he rushes me, he moans and he nags, I can't have a nice day out, it is spoiled everytime. I ask him to do something for me (the gardening, shopping, put bins out, not spend too much money, do dinner - whatever) and he goes in to a dark mood, like a black cloud, he does what I ask but not without a massive 'sulk' first - should I do everything and not ask for help (I'm sure he would be happier if I didn't ask)?

He has definite anxiety issues and I honestly try to be supportive, he is on medication for it, he started and stopped going to counselling, one of the main problems is his issue with time, the best way I can describe it is that everything is urgent (to him). It doesn't seem like a huge deal writing it here but it has a serious impact on our marriage (and time with our DS). Nothing is fun/calm/relaxed because it's just rushed and he can't enjoy or let me enjoy the moment. I am happy to potter and ponder but he isn't, he wants to play on his phone and get home pronto to get DS in bed and get on his computer.

The thing is, it's not like I force him to do things with me, I would happily pop to shops alone or take DS out alone but he insists on coming!

I feel like we are worlds apart. I feel like we are together purely for the sake of it. I know you'll all think I'm over-reacting and maybe that's what I need to be told but I just feel miserable and in general I am rather a happy person! Is it me? Is there something wrong with me? Should I just be able to ignore his silly moods?

Sorry, I dont have anything useful to add but am watching with interest as your dh sounds so much like mine. I'm constantly on edge as I'm never quite sure what to expect when he comes through the door. Sometimes it's like a big black cloud has arrived, even when it's been so lovely all day with DC. I think he suffers with (undiagnosed) anxiety or depression but makes me anxious too. His constant dissatisfaction is exhausting. Sorry to hijack!

You said it doesn't seem like a huge deal.... Reading it I though how horrible for you and your dc.

He won't change because he doesn't need to. Every time he has a sulk you take away a little more expectation of him being involved in the family and doing his fair share. You will ask less and less of him so in the end you do it all and he gets to do what he wants.

He certainly doesn't think there is anything wrong, he is not going to councilling because he doesn't need or want to. His wife will do what needs doing so there is no need to change.

Wiser people then me would be able to help you with what to do next.

You don't like each other any more. You actively dislike each other from what is written here. You are each unhappy in the company of the other.

That's OK.

Really.

It happens.

It does mean you can't live together and be happy though.

Hoping for one of you to change personality isn't sensible, which seems to be what you are looking for.

That's another thing, yes! Not knowing when he wakes up/comes home what mood he will be in. The thing he is isn't violent or even particularly nasty. Just so miserable and low (unless he is sitting at his desk and not interacting with us). It is making me anxious, too, Cb148, I feel like I'm always pretending to everyone that I'm fine. I try to feel thankful that I'm alive and have a healthy son but how can I enjoy how truly wonderful life can be when I'm constantly exhausted (as you put it) because of his low/angry/depressing moods? You're not hijacking, you're helping/understanding.

unless he is sitting at his desk and not interacting with us

He sounds like he has some sort of addiction. If I were you I would be pointing out how unhealthy his addiction to screens is. No wonder he's depressed - he's seeking his fix in all the wrong places.

He sounds like he has detached and just wants to be left alone. Personally I would take the view that if he spoils days out he's not welcome. Why does he insist on tagging along ? Is it so he can pretend he is spending time with your son ?

I'm taking all of this on board but I just don't know what to do. I know he loves me and DS... I've pointed it all out to him several times and he always says he will try harder not to be grumpy etc...

I don't know why he insists, matrix. I honestly don't understand. I'd be happy enough for him to drop me off at the supermarket/the baby shops/coffee shops (the only times I get out) but he would rather stay with me. I think he just can't be bothered to drop off/pick up, he'd rather I hurried and got it over with and so that leads me to think I could get the bus but then what's the point in the marriage if I can't even have a lift to the supermarket. I could do internet shopping and just never go out?

I feel very stuck and hopeless.

Learn to drive and get more independence. Go out with friends. Make your life as happy as you can and don't bring Mr Blackcloud with you.

If he's depressed / screen addicted, flag it up to him, but only he can work on that. So far he's shown he won't try.

So you need to work on you. And I would say more independence is the first step.

I suspect you have assumed that a lot of his behaviours are down to his anxiety. Angry black moods because you've asked him to do something is abusive. Having you Walking on eggshells because you don't know what mood he will be in is also abusive. Insisting on coming out with you then dictating how long you are is abusive and controlling. Does he also withdraws affection from you ?

Something to consider is this. Does he have angry dark moods with his colleagues ? Does he sulk at you in front of other people ? He sounds like a typical emotional abuser.

Stop supporting him. Start focusing on yourself. Tell him No, he's not following you around spoiling your day. Do you have someone in real life you can talk to about this ?

Matrix no, he doesn't withdraw affection, if anyone does that, it's me, because I can't bear being close to someone who makes me feel so miserable... and that's not helping things either. I'm not sure it's abuse as such, is it? ISWYM about behaviour with others, though, it has been noticed and discussed before.

Category that's a really good point about driving and independence. I am planning to learn very soon and funnily enough it has come up in conversation - for example, if I ask him to pop to the shop for me and he does into a dark mood (not every time, to be fair), I tell him 'what will you do when I can drive? I won't need you will I, don't you like being needed?' Obviously he doesn't have an answer.

The way I see it, he is supposed to want to help and support us, make us feel secure and enjoy our company but he doesn't, and I don't think he wants to. I think he struggles to do anything for anyone because he has never had to before in his life.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you?. What needs of yours is he meeting here?.

Your H does this because he can; its working for him and he learnt how to do this a long time ago (probably from one of his parents). Its a control mechanism designed to keep you in line.

What is he like with other people; his parents for instance?.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships as well?.
Please do not show your son that this is actually how people do behave within relationships; you really do not want your son thinking that this from his dad is at all normal because it is not. You really do not want your son to potentially become a carbon copy of his dad.

Attila, you've summed that up very well. You're right about his behaviour around others. It's only me he does it to and it is clear this is learned from his parents. H's mum and dad are very kind people but they're also very grumpy and miserable people, especially his dad. When they were growing up H's mum did everything for him, his brothers and his dad and I mean everything and she is still doing it for his dad now. H's dad can't spell, use a washing machine, take his own meds, make a dinner, help with the grandkids etc... and he can be very grumpy (vile in fact) if he doesn't get his own way.

H's brother is of a similar temperament, he possibly definitely hit his wife because she wouldn't go to bed with him one night (I would never put up with that, it is way too far but I'm just pointing out that their behaviour is probably learned).

It is clear that my H doesn't like being asked to do things for us, he would rather I 'mummied' him, hence the moods. Although, as I said he is very anxious but I hadn't realised I was excusing his behaviour because of him suffering from anxiety - that is a revelation!

He isn't a monster, he is a loving and kind person who would never, ever harm us and he utterly adores DS but he is SO miserable and joyless... I want more for DS. The reality is that I didn't have a dad to love and teach me and I want my beautiful DS to see how wonderful life can be, I want us to teach him how to love and respect each other, but you're right, how can we if his dad can't even be happy to spend time with us, even if it is doing the grocery shopping or cooking the dinner - I manage to find the joy in that so why can't he?!

I think ultimately what I've learned from this post is to gain my independence and then H is either with us or he is against us but he isn't coming along for the ride if he is going to make us sad and I truly mean that.

Thank you all so much for the replies, you'll probably never know how much you've helped me. It is a bit of a hard pill to swallow. I definitely thought I was overreacting - at least now I know I'm not just being silly and I can start to change things for myself.