Would you let your 16 year old DD drop out of college to live with a 37 year old?

[AYD2MITalkTalk]

She has mental health problems and has recently had a stay in a psychiatric hospital, her second admission. She's been meeting up with guys she's met online and it's one of those she's moved out to be with.

Okay, DD was me, a decade and a half ago. Would you have done the same? I know they probably couldn't have stopped me if I'd forced the matter, but should they have tried to keep me at home and in college?

I went out with a 32 year old when I was 18. In hindsight he was emotionally abusive. He cheated on me while accusing me of faithfulness. He also was trying to cover up serious sexual dysfunction which he thought a young girl wouldn't recognise. He saw me coming. Parents didn't object because there was a big age gap between Mum and Dad. (Both of them were over 25 when they got together, they didn't see that both parties being proper adults made a huge difference). Being treated like shit and repeatedly told I was being spoiled/ hysterical gaslit? Gaslighted? Did my mental health no good at all. Sorry you had a bad experience op. You are not alone.

I think it's great you're moving forward with new opportunities, uni etc. Good luck with all of that!

Would it help to pinpoint what exactly you're regretting about either the past or the current situation (or both)? Is it that you dropped out of college? That you feel you've missed out on educational/career opportunities? Or is it the relationship itself that you're regretting? Or both? Or something else?

If it's the education/career aspect, you can take comfort and pride in the progress you're now making on that front. You said your DP has been very supportive in your current endeavours - was he not as supportive back then? Were there other reasons for you dropping out of college aside from just that you went to live with him? I guess what I'm asking is why you didn't re-enroll after you moved?

If it's the relationship that's the issue - from how you've described it, you sound like many long term couples who find the initial spark / romantic feelings fading or disappearing after living together for a long time. If you'd never met him, had stayed at home, dated guys your own age and then settled down with one of them, you could easily be writing a very similar post right now just minus the age part. After all, there's no shortage of unsociable, unhealthy, unemployed young people It does sound like you love him but aren't in love with him any longer. You don't need to feel guilty about that or feel like there's anything wrong with either of you - it could be simply that the relationship has run its course, as often happens.

Oh and at the Icelandic banks, DH did that with some of his savings just before the credit crunch...(sorry I guess it's not really a grinning matter, hope you didn't lose too much!)

No way,

Thank you trickle

Carol - I regret dropping off the college-university-career track so early on, I regret the loss of those transitional years of gradually separating from your parents and becoming an independent adult, I regret never having learnt to live alone, I regret never having the young carefree clubbing/whatever lifestyle, I regret never having dated, I regret a decade spent entirely in the house not interacting with anyone else...

I think college would've been very hard for me no matter what. I was admitted to hospital again when I was 17, and was very unwell for several years around that time. I think with the right support I could have stayed in college, but I had none of the SEN and pastoral support I get at the college I'm at now.

I did actually re-enrol in college after moving to live with DP, but again it ended badly, despite his support. I was that little bit older than the other people in my classes, most of them knew plenty of others there from having been at school with them, and I had zero confidence and poor social skills. Again, no SEN provision or pastoral care.

Your second paragraph makes a lot of sense. I read a lot of things on MN about people for whom the "spark" has gone and empathise with how hard it is to know what to do.

I got all my money back from the FSCS, thankfully, but it knocked my confidence with money!

The college I'm at now is great for extra support - in phone conversations before I started studying there (many of them! with the guy who was going to be my personal tutor), I explained that I'd had trouble with college before, and they put together a package of learning support sessions, gave me information about the college counsellors, made sure I knew it was okay to meet with my personal tutor every week (they offer that to everyone, but most people didn't after the first term or so), none of which required me to tell them I had ASD or serious mental health problems. I think colleges etc. have got a lot better; either that, or this college is just a lot better. And of course I'm more well than I was then. Hooray for learning support tutors and accommodations.

Anyway, I've gone way off-topic. Thank you to everyone for all your input.

That your parents knew he was 37 before you left home and didn't have an issue with it from what you've said speaks volumes.

Perhaps my stricter upbringing leaves me somewhat amazed by a few stories here, because never in my wildest dreams would I have been with an older man by such large gaps at 16/17/18.

Its clear that everyone's upbringing and family values shapes them for the future.

My 16 year old is studying for her GCSEs now. The thought of her running off gives me shudders. She knows that her behaviour isn't only seen by the nuclear family, but her cousins, uncles, aunts and grandparents.

Usually a 16/17/18 year old with a much older man who runs away or leaves in this way would have shown some signs of rebellion already, so it wouldn't be a huge suprise.

The poster who spoke of her sisters boyfriend threatening with a baseball bat! Charming guy eh.

OP education opens many doors for you. It's a sad story indeed.

That all makes sense and I'm really sorry you had a bad time at college back then. I think you're right that both SEN and pastoral support has improved a lot in recent years, though there's still plenty of useless places so hooray for the good college you're at now.

To answer your original question, I think it would very much depend on the individual situation / people. Considering the circumstances I can totally understand your parents' attitude. If you'd been living a happy, carefree life with education etc all going fine, and then you gave it up for no apparent reason, I think they would have tried to persuade you to go back. But as you were unhappy and suffering from health issues and lack of proper educational support, and they didn't have any way of making things better for you (not their fault when it comes to medical and SEN provision), and then after you moved in with your DP they saw an improvement in your mental / emotional state...yes, under those circumstances I could see myself being supportive of the relationship if I felt my DD was benefitting from it (which doesn't necessarily mean you're still benefitting now, of course).

Best of luck whatever happens

SandyY2K where is your evidence that those who move out at 16 have already shown rebellion?

I was top of my year in most subjects. A prefect. Perfect behaviour reports. I volunteered with physically disabled children at a social group. I'd had 2 retail part time jobs, promoted already to a supervisor in one. I'd tried alcohol, disliked it and never been drunk. I'd never had so much as a drag on a cigarette, let alone knew anything about drugs. The only time I'd stayed out late was at my job. I babysat younger siblings. Oh I had moments as a young teen of having to be told three times to tidy my room I suppose.

I think one reason my parents didn't handle me leaving well was because there was no previous rebellion.

When I told them I was moving out, I already had a college place sorted in my new town.

It is very easy for people like you to say "oh they must be rebellious" or others here to say "I simply wouldn't allow it".

It's hot air.

Hi AYD, I wanted to reply to your thread yesterday but couldn't get a namechange to work. Your situation resonated with me, although I was a fair bit older than you when I had my big age gap relationship. I also have Asperger's (although I didn't know it then). I'm posting because I don't necessarily think your DP was grooming or exploiting you, and don't necessarily think that he is controlling you now (although saying he couldn't live without you is emotional blackmail).

I was just 22 when I met my xDP, and he was 44. We were together for a bit over 3 years, and he was absolutely distraught when we split up - didn't know how he would carry on, didn't feel as though he could survive without me, etc. etc.. But he did survive, did carry on, is fine and well and we are still in touch 20-odd years later. Honestly though, at almost the age now that he was when we met, I think about having a relationship with a 22 year old and am ! What on earth was he thinking, getting involved with the person I was at 21/22? I was very naive, very troubled, pretty lost. At my age now, I'd have nothing in common with a 22 year old, and wouldn't even consider starting a relationship with one. Yet the relationship was good overall - pretty tempestuous and we had a lot of rows, but also very nurturing a lot of the time. He was incredibly supportive of me and really encouraged me to grow and reach my potential.

So... I don't assume that a relationship with a huge age gap is automatically exploitative and unbalanced. But I do think that there is probably something in your DP that means he couldn't easily, at that point, form relationships with women his own age, and therefore he formed one with you - a young and vulnerable girl who needed his protection and love (in his eyes), and who probably didn't expect from him the same things that someone his own age would have. In my case, my xDP was into the fetish scene, and had grown up in the years where that was far less mainstream and acceptable than it is now. He had definitely had problems finding a partner who didn't have an issue with that, and his previous long-term relationship with someone his own age had eventually ended because of his kinky side (and that he didn't want children).

I think that sometimes, two dysfunctional and vulnerable (in different ways) people end up bound together in a co-dependent relationship, where neither of them feel like they can cope with their weaknesses/vulnerabilities without the other's help. A lot of people are jumping in on this thread and trying to find ways in which he is or was controlling and exploiting you. I don't think that has to be the case just because he's so much older.

Having said all that, if my DD were in your situation at 16, I would be pretty devastated! Did your parents encourage you to come back home? Let you know that they were always there for you? Maybe they were scared of driving you further away if they tried to lay down the law with you?

This isn't meant judgementally (just in case I phrase it badly and it comes across wrong!) but it always puzzles me when people say they wouldn't have anything in common with someone much younger/older. What do you talk about with people your own age that is so different or that other age groups wouldn't understand / be interested in? I'm genuinely curious as I honestly couldn't imagine what type of conversation would be so age-specific. Last night me & DH talked about the EU referendum, how much of a nob Boris Johnson is, the latest gossip from our neighbours ongoing domestic dramas, and the last episode of Game of Thrones. DH is my age but I don't think our conversation would have been any different if he was 20 years older/younger. Most 30-40 year olds don't spend their entire lives discussing their mortgages

Thank you Purple (my aquilegias are looking lovely right now!).

My parents didn't encourage me to come back at all. I wonder if maybe a PP was right - that they were exhausted? I'd had two admissions in two years, hanged myself, taken several serious overdoses, etc. - or maybe they thought I was old enough to make my own decisions (they're quite liberal). I have no doubt they would have had me home. Hell, they'd have me home now, I'm sure of it. They still have a bedroom for me with all my childhood stuff (they do have five bedrooms, though… ).

DP was very vulnerable at the time. He'd recently had his partner of four years die, the first relationship he'd ever had. He'd lost his job due to depression and as a result had a lot of debt (gone now). He relies on me a lot emotionally, just as I rely on him for practical things. I guess that's codependency?

Your relationship with xDP sounds like mine in a lot of ways, though we rarely argue (bar the odd squabble). He's always encouraged me to do the things I'm scared to do - learning to drive (though I don't, now - anxiety, and also the DVLA get leery because of my bipolar diagnosis), going to college (twice! 😂), etc.

But, like you, I can't imagine having a relationship with someone as young as I was. They're children to me… I think in some ways he was like a child himself, relationship-wise.

Do you think ASD made a difference, for you? (I didn't have a diagnosis then, either, though there were clear problems from very early on in my life.) I didn't/don't think ASD made a difference for me, which is why I didn't mention it in my first post, though I guess I was very naive.

I just don't know what to do about that side of it, my relationship I mean, but I've got lots of useful perspectives on here about the question I had of whether other parents might have acted the way mine did. I know a lot of people have thought I'm trying to blame them, but I'm not - if anything, I'd be really upset to think that they are to blame for this aspect of my life (I don't think they are, at all). I just wanted to understand it.

Also, posting here doesn't mean I dwell on the past constantly! Mostly I don't think about it and look to the future, but I guess since this particular post was about the past, without any other information to go on there's no way for people to know that this is genuinely not something I brood over constantly.

Thanks for your post

Boris Johnson is a nob and a knob

Carol it's more a lack of shared references and reference points, I find. Kind of similar, I think, to a cross-cultural relationship. So; it doesn't mean it won't or can't work, just that there are challenges inherent in it.

Also, with age-gap relationships, it's about where you're at in life, and being at different life stages. So in my 20s, I was into going out a lot and taking too many drugs. So was he, so that seemed fine at the time. Now that I am the age he's at now, however, that sort of life holds no attraction for me whatsoever.

Another factor, as well, is the power imbalance/disparity in power dynamics within an age-gap relationship. If the older partner has much more life experience, material wealth, education, etc., then that can lead to an unequal dynamic within the relationship, which may be unhealthy.

Sorry, I mean that I'm at the age now, that he was then.

I get what you mean, Purple - I'm not quite the age he was when he met me, yet, but I still can't imagine wanting a relationship with a 16 year old.

AYD sorry - cross posted with your second post there and didn't see that you'd replied.

Yes, he does sound as though he was very emotionally vulnerable when you met, and maybe not very mature. Maybe you supporting him emotionally and him supporting you physically/practically is co-dependency. Or maybe it's just pooling your respective strengths, which I think happens in most relationships. I don't know (and nor does anyone on MN, however much they may say that they do ), but I reckon you probably know deep down, if you listen to your instincts.

Did my ASD make a difference... yes, I think it probably did, but in oblique ways rather than directly.

• my undiagnosed AS was a big contributor to my mental health vulnerabilities and how troubled I was.
• my AS means that I have an unusual outlook on life (apparently! ), and maybe have a different view of people and what is 'normal'. I don't know quite how to put it in the right words , but it meant that I didn't have a problem with being in an unusual situation that would be unacceptable to a lot of people/was different from the norm.
• I needed a lot of taking care of, at that time in my life (although I didn't fully realise that at the time), and that was definitely connected with my AS. He did take care of me, and loved me, and that was what I needed at the time. It did become stifling after a while, though, and the thought of still being with him now, when he is in his 60s (still in good shape, though), just feels wrong.
• although it was a tempestuous relationship, and we argued a lot, it felt like a very safe relationship, and I never really worried that he would leave me. I was a pretty difficult person to be in a relationship with, due to the inflexibility, anxieties and lack of social awareness that comes with my AS. I learned a lot about myself and about relationships when I was with him, but ultimately, I think I outgrew the power imbalance inherent in the relationship (due to the age gap and the fact that he was a very strong personality - as was I, mind you!).

Regarding your parents and whether they were 'to blame', is it possible to ask them what they were thinking at the time? Not in a blaming or 'why didn't you stop me??' sort of way, but more in a 'wow, that must have been a worrying time for you, when I was a teenager. How did you feel when I took off with [DP]?'. It might give you some insight into what their feelings were at the time. Nobody on here can know all of the circumstances the way you and they can.

I'm never quite sure what people mean when they say codependency - I certainly don't recognise anything about me or DP in the Wikipedia article on it. But I know people on MN often use narcissist/NPD terminology from mental health conditions to mean something other than the clinical meaning.

Nnnnnyyyrgghh

Cabrinha you may well have been achieving top grades and doing well in school, I didn't say those who leave home at 16 aren't smart and if you'd been the model child and moved out to be with an older man, then I'd personally think as a parent I must have done something wrong or missed the signs.

Some things aren't acceptable in some families. At 13/14 my daughter had people in her class who drank alcohol with the parents knowledge. That was acceptable to them. It's not acceptable to me.

When a 16 year old introduces her 37 year old boyfriend to the family, that's a clear sign that it's acceptable to them. You have to know what your parents would accept in the first place. It's not something I would ever have done at that age.

At times kids complain about strict parents and too many rules, but having parents who let you do whatever you want is much more harmful in the long run.

I've not met any 16 year old who could fully support themselves financially. By that I mean affording rent, paying bills, food etc.
By moving out at 16 you would be depending on an older adult for something, as no one rents a place to a 16 year old kid.

A lot depends on how much family and family values actually matter to you. I feel able to say my child wouldn't do this, because it's not only me she'd have to answer to or face.

OP - your partner was vulnerable when you met, but I stand by my statement that a decent 37 year old man would not pursue a relationship with a 16 year old.

I suspect OP (and I'm happy to be told I'm wrong) that you focusing on the part your parents could have played years ago is actually a symptom of you now looking at your current situation and wondering whether you should make a move to get out of it and, if so, how this could be done.

Thanks for your post nauticant - the thing is, I really don't focus on it. I don't blame all my woes on moving out, I don't blame my parents... it's the focus of this thread, sure, but I only wanted to get input from other people (many of whom have children so can give me a perspective I can't get from most of my friends) on this very specific issue.

Every so often during my life, I've wondered how my life would have turned out if a, b, or c, and how other people would have reacted in same situation, which I'm sure lots of people do, and this was one of those times. I do really appreciate everyone's answers and although I wasn't looking for help with my relationship with my partner, people's opinions on that have been helpful too, but people keep coming back to this idea that i spend all my time dwelling on this particular thing that happened and blaming my parents for everything wrong with my life...

I'm trying not to sound too defensive. I recognise that it's not good to think too much about the last and it's great to have had all this encouragement to look to the future, just... this is one post out of many I have posted on MN over the years, on many different subjects, and under many different usernames.

I'm sorry if that sounded snippy, I really didn't mean it to. Hope you're not too pissed off.

I think if someone is very young in themselves, they might go for someone much younger - though I agree it's a big age gap. My DBro was single until well into his 30s, then started dating and quickly married a 19 year old. I was always a bit and when DD1 hit 19 and it hit home to me how young that was, even more so.
But DBro was very, very young for his age, had always lived at home, relied on my parents for everything, didn't go to uni because he couldn't cope with moving away, etc. etc I think someone his own age would have eaten him alive, quite frankly.

If your DP always treated you well, I wouldn't read too much into the age gap. But I understand where people are coming from - it's not what I would choose for my teens.

I think what bothers me about the age gap, and didn't at first, is how much more dramatic it gets, in some ways, as you get older. I'm not young young, but I'm young enough to feel that I've got potentially plenty of time to do interesting stuff, whereas DP seems like an old man at fifty-odd (my parents seem younger than him in many ways, despite being ten years older).

Hope you're not too pissed off.

Not in any way whatsoever. You've set up a really interesting thread, your posts have been well worth reading, and I wish you all the best.