Limerance??

[RivieraKid]

Okay, I've heard of this as a vague phenomena before, and it's only because a friend of mine is having an affair that I know a bit more about it. The affair is out in the open but obvs won't post any identifyable things, but I wanted the opinions of people here who may have experienced this? from either end?

She says she experienced this thing called limerance and it's basically a psychological disorder or at least a manifestation of irrational behaviour; completely soul destroying and has ruined her life and marriage, pretty much everyone else says it's just unrequited love and she's being a selfish drama queen. But she very very f*ucked up I can tell you that. Not sleeping, eating - dangerously thin now and utterly obsessed with this guy. Long story short, he doesn't want to know, says she's mental.

I vaguely remember someone talking about limerance on a thread a while back don't know which one it was...But how serious is it? Does she need therapy or something? Any other kind of help?

I think the word I used above "deranged" is too strong to describe those actions. I should have used "out of the ordinary".

I haven't read all the replies in detail but I totally agree with Yeahthatwasme, those who talk of just obsessions obviously haven't had them! Limerance, in the strict sense, has nothing to do with women being weak, it is a psychological disorder and can definitely be compared to the likes of anorexia or OCD, in fact, I believe limerance can be classified as type of OCD (pure OCD).

LateNightEveningProstitute to imply that you can just shake those feeling/thoughts away clearly shows you do not know really what you are talking about.

And yes, I have met someone IRL who suffered limerance/OCD and yes, it was a young man. He wasn't able to leave his home for two years.

I've gone through this too. I agree with PP that it's a very real and horrible disorder. As someone else described, I too have an emotionally distant father. I think the men who become limerent objects (or women) are disordered themselves and incapable of holding down a relationship. So when they meet someone who has been rejected at a very young age, that person thinks that if, after blowing hot and cold they suddenly reform, it's proof that you are worthy of love/attention.

I think that women who don't have these issues simply aren't attracted to these men because their own father provided a healthy relationship model. So the hot and cold blowers are not attractive. These men work out who's vulnerable.

Oh forgot to say that antidepressants have lessened the impact mine has.

Lottie - I had an absent father. I was used to rejection in a number of ways from him and the peers who bullied me at school. Had I known my worth I would not have tolerated him making a mockery of me.

I went on to have another relationship where I was emotionally and physically abused. I could have walked at any time but stayed and endured the name calling, manipulation, gas lighting, pushing and prodding. I have never felt so worthless in all of life. He was handsome and I thought I was punching well above my weight. I was grateful that he even looked in my direction.

For those that say men don't have this, couldn't stalking be a manifestation of this in men? And there are plenty of convicted (and I convicted) male stalkers. I would think stalking behaviors would tie very closely as a physical manifestation of he feelings generated in women with limerance?

I am not convicted I meant unconvicted!

porcupine I'm not doubting that people develop unhealthy, obsessive, compulsive, inappropriate attachments to people and, Greater, it is possible that these feelings are what result in stalking behaviours in some men. But not all.

But let's call it what it is: an unhealthy, obsessive, compulsive and inappropriate attachment. 'Limerance' seems to be a uniquely female condition; where it's ascribed to an extreme 'love'.

I don't think you can just shake those feelings away. But people can distract themselves when they find themselves thinking of someone rather than indulge it. They way people do when they are getting over a relationship generally or giving up smoking or trying to lose weight.

Because it's linked to feelings of 'love', which is a perfectly desirable and normal emotion, rather than distract themselves, women experiencing these intense feelings accept them and read into it things such as, "I must really love him if I feel like this". For those women it validates and reifies the feelings and inhibits them from addressing them as they would do with any other mental health illness/psychological disorder.

If it is obsessive love then yes men definitely suffer from it. I was also going to say surely stalking is an extreme reaction to it or a version of it.

I am surprised that one pp has suffered for 29years! I have been mad about two men in my life but time has definitely lessened the feelings so obviously I have not experienced 'limerence.'

I don't know if it should have a special name. Is it not just an obsession or a mad crush?

But look at the different ways 'limerence' has been used on this thread even.

It means whatever anyone wants it to mean. The start of a relationship before attachment develops; unrequited love that makes you sick; long term attachment to a fantasy; and on...

Hi everyone thanks for the replies.

addtobasket No, she's not sleeping, she's on some pills from the doc as she was getting a bit deranged with no sleep.

Thanks for the book re Yabba I will definitely look into that for her. I think the best way I can describe it right now is dissociation from life? Doesn't care about her kid, her husband (who is taking some time out for obvs reasons)...she just sits at home while we pop in on her during the day. She isn't going to work or anything.

Agree with PP about the object of her affection being totally disordered himself. We all know he never got over an ex of his, now he screws around in a pretty narcissistic fashion, revenge on other women? Trying to find a connection? I honestly don't know.

Oh man I think we might also have to take her phone off her, even though that sounds mad to say about a grown woman. This seems kind of obsessive compulsive. Maybe it's not limerance? May be she's just ill? I guess from reading mylimerance's story it seems to be able to make you ill. She's going to get done for harassment at this rate.

OP surely she has a bad depression and needs ADs/counselling.

It doesn't matter what it means. If something takes over your life on a daily basis and makes you utterly miserable then it's an huge problem that needs to be dealt with and can't be compared with a crush. It's a level of obsession over and above.

The problem is when you think of the person in your mind as the only one you could ever want. Nobody else measures up even though rationally you can see he's an arsehole. I actually think men like this can easily sniff out those of us who are vulnerable enough through previous experiences to be sucked in.

My obsession seems to be on its way out now thank goodness. As I've said, I'm sure antidepressants are the reason in my case.

lottie I have been wary about suggesting AD's to her even though this has gone on for weeks and clearly is some kind of reactive depression. She's very resistant to the idea that she needs help, she just needs him, apparently, and then everything will be okay.

And that is exactly what I was referring to.

but she can't have him, Riviera, and can't cope with not having him hence she needs ADs to break this intense circuit on her brain even if it's just for a couple of weeks. Just the sleeping pills will make her drowsey but they won't raise her mood. There's anti-anxiety meds too which may suit her more, if she talks to the doctor.

Interestingly reading other replies she does have a terrible relationship with an absent father - always been a bit vulnerable around guys, which is why we were so psyched when she married her DH - truly lovely, rock solid bloke. Can't bear to think of what he's going through right now either.

Oh no, the er, 'limerant object'was not her DH? That's awful for everyone involved. Poor guy.

I know someone who went quite manic and was very unbalanced and ill in a similar sounding way from going in ADs - they massively lowered her inhibitions. It was horrific to watch because no one could work out what had happened for ages.

And yes, she NEEDS sleep. No chance of perspective without it.

Sounds like unless you've suffered from it, you'll never truly "get it" per se. Couldn't possibly get my head round it.

Whatever this is, it certainly appears to be a MH projection that has absolutely nothing to do with this man and everything oo do with her own issues. She needs professional help.

Been there. Only heard the expression last year but that's exactly what I went through from early teens to early twenties with a guy who I eventually had a relationship with. He then dumped me and I had a breakdown but limerance is exactly what it was. I'm alright now, happily married and basically sane but this man will always have left a weird scar on me. I often wonder about him. I had CBT and also have OCD, would have thought there's a link as I have very similar thought processes about that relationship and my other OCD triggers.

addtobasket No, her 'object' is a guy in our friend group who it turns out she's been having an affair with. Apparently they've slept together a handful of times but it's completely got her down to the bone for some reason. Her DH is completely devastated.

Sounds like her husband would be better of walking away and freeing himself from her. What a liability!

Her husband is bouncing from trying to be understanding considering the state of her and mad rage. They're not in the same house atm. Other bloke is still pretty brazenly around town - friendship group seem to be siding with him!