Beginning to see how toxic my parents are

[GetSomeGumption]

I rarely see my parents at the moment. I live a 2.5 hr + drive away and they haven't been able to travel to see me for the last year so I go and visit when I can (maybe 3 times a year).

Last time I was there something happened that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I have my valuables in my old room at my parent's house. I am in rented accommodation whilst finishing a course and will be moving again in less than a year. I try to sort out what I can when I am there. I found out this time that my parents have let my brother take what he wants from my room to his house (he moved out recently at 30, has a job, is in rented accommodation but boasts that he has a lot of money in the bank for buying a house). He even has his own of what he took, but in his words "yours is better".

I got angry at finding this out and asked how my parents could watch him do this. We have a long history together as he is incredibly entitled and selfish and my parents have mollycoddled him. My parents were still doing all his cooking, washing, ironing and cleaning for him until he moved out, FFS. I got told that I was making a fuss and that it "wasn't worth falling out over".

I have not made contact since then and my mum finally called me today (3 weeks later), breezily chatting away like nothing had happened. I told her that actually, I'm pretty upset at what has happened and that it has just topped off some pretty shitty behaviour of his towards me over the last few years.

My mother started crying. Telling me to think of the bigger picture. Laying on the guilt trip that I am a terrible daughter. Just got a text from my father (who as an aside has the ability to turn the atmosphere cold with a change of his mood, and frequently does) asking me "how could you make your mother cry?" "I hope you're pleased with yourself".

Sorry for rambling, but I have learnt that I should never raise any feelings that I have to them as it will be turned around to make me seem like a terrible person and my brother will come out of it shining.

Chatarunga and Lottapianos I'm beginning to think we're secret sisters!

My parents will support me practically and financially (although, unlike my brother, I try not to ask for help). In fact my mother pointed out to me last night that "We've always supported you financially both the same", which wasn't the point I was trying to make at all. I don't care about money, I can support myself.

I get told "It's not worth arguing over" when I point out to my parents that, up until a few months ago when he finally moved out, my brother did not contribute at all to the house. When visiting I will cook, clean, do the washing up and generally try to help out as much as possible. My parents could not understand why I was frustrated that they refused to pick him up on this.

My father has expressed some very sexist views before. He is very resentful that he does all the cleaning in the house on top of working FT (my mother works FT, does all the cooking and food shopping, is doing an OU degree and is a carer for my grandmother). I honestly don't think he could cook a meal- I had to show him how to cook pasta the other day. He has also raised surprise that I do not do my DP's washing and ironing for him (we both work/study FT and share everything out equally).

Have a high five GetSomeGumption!

I also got supported financially all the way through university. My parents took education extremely seriously and I will always be grateful for that because going to university has allowed me to do a job that gives me a comfortable standard of living. I remember saying to my therapist that I felt guilty for feeling angry at my parents because they had done so much for me, like supporting me through university and providing very well for us materially when we were kids. She gently pointed out that that's what parents are supposed to do, and that I also had no choice in how I was parented, so I owed them nothing.

My therapist also asked me one time whether I thought my dad was sexist at all. It was an 'oh my god YES!' moment! He's a lot like your dad Gumption - feels that my mum should be on bended knee thanking him for cooking and cleaning. Like, y'know, an adult!

Chatarunga, you're being very understanding towards your parents. I get what you're saying - you're trying to accept that your parents just cannot do it, and that's just how it is. You are allowed to be angry though, so don't feel that you have to tough it out and put a brave face on things.

I know, I try to accept it for the situation it is. It's frustrating. I have to deal with it.

My dad is very benignly sexist too. He is not a sexist that hates women, he doesn't, but he has not moved with the times at all. If he sees a woman with a nice car he'll say, out loud "i wonder what her husband does!".

He does the hoovering and he's not helpless but he'll say to my mum ''i did the hoovering for you'' and my mum will just smile and say thank you. So they do enable each other''s sexism and martyrdom and lack of self-awareness. As a unit, they work, it's just when you're single and you're trying to hold your own........ wow, it's hard. the last couple of arguments I've had with them, I really, really, really wished I had a partner in my corner!!! Somebody who could say to them ''we're a unit and if you upset Chatarunga, you upset me" cos they pull that united team on me all the time.

sorry for hi-jacking op, thanks to all the posters who shared! makes me feel normal!

You guys would definitely not be seen as unwelcome on either of the threads mentioned.

I think at the beginning of the stately homes threads there's actually a point made about that -

There's no such thing as 'I wasn't treated as badly as you'

You still are allowed to be sad, angry, frustrated.

We've discussed on the batshit cruise about

Gradual realisations
Milestone birthdays being a trigger for realisation (but so too are certain life events)

for you all

Just wanted to say Bacon, I agree with most of the posts you make and the ones in this thread are no exception.

You're a great poster. for you.

Aww thanks Steve