I've recently separated from my partner and dad to my DS who is three. So as not to make this too long I will just say it was and is amicable but complicated. The decision was mine and was the right one but I do have a lot of unresolved feelings about it which have only really surfaced a month or so ago (about a month after split). At around the same time a very very close family friend, a woman whom I loved almost as much as my own parents, has died. It was not unexpected although we hoped she would have longer. Even typing that has made me cry a bit, today really hasn't been great (aside from anything else I fell down the stairs earlier).
When she died, and since then, I haven't actually been as emotional as I thought I would be, a bit like with the separation I never broke down at the obvious moments but now a while later the sadness washes over me unexpectedly at times.
The main problem I'm having though is anger. I feel like there's this big toxic emotion wanting to burst out of me and it's almost more than I can handle atm. I don't know why it is really, partly I'm angry with myself and how my life is atm and my seeming inability to cope with a lot of quite basic stuff, and partly I'm angry with the world and people who have let me down. I realise how that sounds, it's not a healthy mature way to be but I can't seem to get out of that frame of mind.
I know I'm pushing people away and today I fell out with a very old friend that I really care about because I felt she was treating me as an afterthought, we had plans for today but she never confirmed and I texted to find out if it was still on, she said no and sorry etc. The thing is it was meant to be a whole day out with her and my son who she's barely seen since he was born and after a long period of distance between us we had a really lovely evening together talked quite emotionally and promised to see more of each other, but she didn't even text me to say today wasn't on, I had to chase her. I still don't know if I was entirely justified in feeling that way but with how I am at the moment I just have zero tolerance for bullshit, I'd rather have no friends at all than be treated as someone's backup plan, but logically I know that's coming from my own massive huge insecurity probably stemming from my early life and that at least partly I am causing the situations that upset me so much. So I was very blunt about it and I doubt we'll see each other again now for another long time if at all. I feel grief stricken actually but it's almost as if I'm deliberately destroying potentially good things and making it so I can't easily go back. To be fair she has been flaky in the past and hurt my feelings so even though this was relatively minor I turned it into a drama because I convinced myself she hasn't changed and still doesn't give a shit.
The long and short of it is I probably will end up with no friends as I'm such a bitter person atm and if I'm not isolating myself I'm lashing out. I just don't know what to even begin doing about it though. I'm hurting but it's more than just recent stuff it goes very deep and even though I've started seeing a counsellor I feel as if I can't quite go there and if I do I'll fall apart even more.
Please help.