Nothing to see here - I'm just moaning!

[NewMoonOnMonday]

So bloody cheesed off with life tonight. I'm almost seperated from P - he should move out next Friday, but apparantly he needs more money - so perhaps the Friday afterwards - but, no, he wants to move out 'gradually'.

I have got to the point today where I've wanted to throw him out the window. He's off work at the moment as he's recovering from an operation and he is getting right up my nose. I'm sick of him leaving crap around - dinner plates on the sofa arm, can's of beer on the floor, pants in the bathroom. I ranted at him about this and he promised that he would clear up after himself. That's all I wanted him to do. Has he done it? NOOOOOO!!!!!! Instead he has re-arranged the fridge and stacked everything on the door shelves - I'm surprised the bloody thing hasn't toppled over cos the rest of it is almost empty. I wish he would just stop bloody interfering with things. He's like a bossy old bag following me round and tinkering with things so they are 'just so'. Pisses me off sooooo much!

I have asked for some space of an evening, seeing as we are now seperated, but have to share a bedroom. It would be nice to have a few hours of peace before bedtime. His idea of giving me peace and quiet is to read me articles from the local newspaper. I have told him about this before. It's BORING!!!! If I wanted to read it then I would! I don't want to be read to, especially not about local news anyway.

He sat here and cried yesterday because it's so close now to us living apart. I asked him what was bothering him most, losing me or living alone. He said 'living alone'.

I'm sick of it all. I'm bloody scared too. Our DS has autism and is hard work and I'm wondering how I'll cope on my own but I'm still trying to hold on to the fact that I'm still a human being who wants to be something other than just a mum. I'm so sick of feeling guilty and responsible for everyones problems.

I feel dreadful because I'm the one who wants this relationship to end - not him. He wants to carry on with the fighting and hating. I hate the person I've become and I don't like what he's become very much either. That's fine though because it's what we're used to according to him.

He's a good man. Always worked hard for us and I know he's scared of being alone. But I'm only 30 and I feel like I'm going mouldy in this relationship (does that make sense). I just want to know how things could be without living with someone who pisses me off so much.

Blimey - I've gone on a bit...

Okay so I was rambling but...

he sounds like he isnt going to go anywhere in a hurry, i sympathise, i've been in a similar situation with my h

How did you get him to move on Lou?

he was back and forth for ages, saying he was coming to see the kids for a few days, which turned into weeks , which turned me into a nervous and v depressed wreck, for man reasons

eventually he pitched up from the pub about 9pm one evening really really drunk and started getting verbal with me and said a lot of awful things to the kids about me, and started intimidating me , saying i had to make him leave the house as he wasnt going anywhere while his name was still on the lease

kids were crying and scared, i was crying, then i suddenly woke up, called the police and they persuaded him to leave

he came back a couple of hours later but i wouldnt let him in the house, he slept in the garage

the next day i thought he had gone but he hadnt, and he tried to persuade me to let him stay, but when i said no he got nasty again but left, tho harrassed me via text and phone for a few days

i got in touch with the landlords and they took legal advice and got his name removed from the tenancy, so after that he knew he could be removed

he still came back to give me shit but i wouldnt have him on the property

this was all in august and we split in the november before

silly thing is i tried really hard to keep it all amicable, but he just wouldnt let it be that way, so now i dont want anything to do with him he occasionally sends me messages saying he doesnt know why i hate him but i need to grow up and put it all behind me lol

Sounds horrible Lou.

P isn't spiteful like that, just vulnerable. I feel so guilty about this. He has very low self esteem (mine's rubbish too) and I know he's a good man but I feel like everyone thinks I'm selfish because I want more than this.

i didnt think my ex would be like it either, amazing what a bit of self pity can do to a man

Self pity!!! Tell me about it!

I could have hit him when he said that he was more gutted about living alone than not living with me. I've wanted to end this relationship for years and he knows that. I've got fatter and uglier each year and I have no chance of meeting another man. I'm the one left with no money, I'm the single parent, I'm the one with nothing to look forward to.

He's able to move on. I don't care how often he has DS. I don't care if he meets another woman tomorrow and marries her. I just don't want to feel responsible for him anymore. He has the chance to do whatever he wants but I'm taking on his share of responsiblities as well as keeping up with mine.

I just want to scream at him 'what about me? Why should I forget about what I want just so you can get what you want?'

i am sure you are not fat and ugly, and i am pretty sure that any weight you might have put on will fall off now and you will revamp yourself, as it was probably just a symptom of your unhappiness over the years

So, you dont want him there, you dont like him much, but you want him to miss you?

He knows you've not wanted him for years? Goodness - do you think you have been doing him a favour or something by continuing with this relationship for so many years against your will? Wow, that mustve been crushing for his self esteem.

How very confusing for the poor chap. As for cleaning up after himself, I think thats only right, but, you said he'd just had an op??? A bit mean of you really.

He is also going to be a single parent, dont forget that. He is going to have very little money too. If he is the dad you say he is - he's not going to leave you or your DS high and dry is he?

I understand how frustrated you feel, and how you just want to move on, but, you cant lay it all on him. You gotta take responsibility for your circumstances.

"What about me?" Well, you've already made decisions to improve your life - if that makes it so you are on your own with no money - well - that was your choice, at the end of the day, wasnt it? He hasnt had much say in this, has he?

I dont' know Lou. I tell myself that too. I was 20 when I met him and now I'm 30. I've got the stretch marks and saggy boobs from pregancy, the dark circles and lines under my eyes from crying so much over DS's DX and grey hairs (not fair at all!!!). I feel like I've given all my best years to a man that never wanted me - just wanted someone.

No VVVQV I don't want him to miss me. I want him to be a man and move on and get on with his life. I'm pissed off that he's made me feel guilty for years that I'm ruining his life by ending this relationship when it comes down to him being insecure and not wanting to be lonely.

Well, it looks like a 50/50 thing from what you've posted. Neither have been "man" enough to accept or deal with the situation, if it has been going on for years, that is.

I do feel for you. Relationship breakdowns are painful for everyone involved. I hope things work out well for you both.

Thanks for the kind gesture

What's 50/50 about it though? I've wanted to end the relationship and he hasn't?

Sorry that sounded sarcastic and I didn't mean it to be.

Oh man relationships are just too much hard work - just don't bother having them!!!
As an outsider i can see it from both angles. I was in a relationship with a guy for 10 months, i wanted it to end and he didn't. I ended it and moved to uni then found out i was pg! He automatically thought this meant we would get back together, when i told him we wouldn't he got nasty. Im now 21+3 gone and never here from him. Mine is a completely different situation but understand the whole concept of him not wanting to let go and your frustration as a result of it cause ive been there. It made me so mad at the time, and im still very much, ffs be a man about it! But you cant blame him for not wanting to let go hun, as frustrating as it may be. You said he has just had an op, well can you really expect him to be houseproud at the mo whilst he's recovering? Im sure thats the last thing on his mind just now. Have a word with him and ask him to maybe just think a bit more before he makes the mess, try (and i know it is hard) to be sensitive. Getting mad will only make you both bitter, and if you have a child than shouldn't you be thinkiing of how best to handle the situation for him?
I totally get your frustration, i've kinda been there myself. At the time i would have rather of been dunked in battery acid and then forced to drink it then stay in the relationship. I was so glad to get out of it, but i also realise now that i could've maybe been a bit less bitchy and a bit more sensative. And as a result of my actions my unborn daughter will probably never have a relationship with her dad due to his bitterness towards me which makes me feel awful!
Chin up hun, your weight can be lost and your shaddowed eyes can be brightened - it'll just take a wee bit of time. My advice would just be think before you act, be as pleasent as possible for your sons sake.
Take care, we are all about if you need to chat LW x

Thanks Lwatkins and congratulations on your pregnancy

P had an operation on his knee on Jan 28th. He was given crutches and told to keep the weight off his leg as much as possible but he hasn't taken this advice. I wouldn't mind picking up after him but he's following me round locking doors behind me and rearranging the fridge FFS!!!!. I wouldn't mind at all if he just sat on the sofa or stayed in bed but he's up my arse all the time (sorry for being rude). I'm not used to this. I'm used to him being at work all day, not hanging around here.

Our DS is 5 now and I first mentioned separating when he was 18 months old. We'd not been getting on and he'd said some horrible things about me behind my back that got back to me. We were in debt, our DS wasn't developing the way we expected him to and we had no other support. We stayed together. Since then DS has got a diagnosis and we've moved to a nicer home and the debts are manageable.

I really hope VVVQV comes back to this thread as I'd like to know why she sees P as a 'confused, poor chap'. I'm giving him the chance to start again and I'm trying to make this separation as easy on him as possible.

Newmoon, i think others just always see a situation differently to how it may be. I totally get how you feel your p is 'up your arse' all the time! This was exactly how i felt, though it was different circumstances. It's incredibly hard for me to feel anything but hate towards my ex now, but i think in regards to my baby i have been as nice as possible. I have posted about my situation before and got what i felt were some very harsh remarks and got very upset by them. Then i just realised that i wasn't looking at the whole picture and also thought, well not everyone's gonna see it my way!
Bloody men eh!!!! Cant live with em, cant kill em! x

Bless you LW x - it would be great for you and your baby if you could maintain an amicable relationship with x, but who the f*ck am I to be giving relationship adive

I honestly don't expect everyone or even anyone to agree with me or support me. I posted cos I wanted to get today off of my chest and then I bumped it cos I felt like chatting.

I never take anything to heart on here. People are just giving their opinion on a situation that they are considering from the information you give them. Only I know why I want to be away from this relationship and if I had the right expressive qualities then I'd let all of MN know too.

newmoon, i think thats why i was with my ex for so long, i met him when i was 21 and we split when i was 38,i'd had 4 kids, he was always nitpicking about something to do with the way i looked and it just really drained all my confidence and self esteem away

he rarely paid me a compliment, and if he did he always followed it up with something to make me feel bad about myself, and he basically assumed that being married to me was enough, that he didnt have to do anything else to make it work

plus he had a drink problem

honestly i didnt think anyone would look at me twice ever again, but it really hasnt been the case, i've had a lot of fun

still cant quite believe anyone would be interested in a 40 yr old single mum of 4 with the grey hairs too (which need retouching), but they are, and i am sure that when the time is right for you they will be interested in you too

Sorry new moon - what i meant about it being 50/50 was simply that you wanted him out about 3.5 years ago from what you have said. And that he has known this all along. You said you wanted him to "be a man and get on with his life" but its taken you 3.5 years to get to this point. Also you mentioned self pity - well, you are bemoaning the fact that you want him gone - fair enough, but also complaining that you are going to be a single parent, no money and no-one else would want you. Seems like a fair bit of self pity on both sides.
You seem to think its easier for him to move on - I think you underestimate how much he feels for you - and his son.

If you felt that strongly about him going its taking you quite some time to kick him out/leave him. And, like I said, if you have been saying for 3.5 years that you dont want him anymore but never acted on it, then, I would imagine its very confusing for him and he probably thinks that you dont really mean it this time iykwim?

So, basically you will both be left in the same boat, except he doesnt want this, and he's the one thats got to find somewhere else to live.

Again, I hope it works out as best it can for both of you, break ups are never easy.

VVV, i told my ex for ages and ages we had problems and i wasnt happy, i tried all sorts, but he just didnt listen or thought in his words "if i just ignored it the problems would go, because i thought you were just depressed"!

some men just dont or wont listen

of course its hard for him too, splitting never is easy

i also understand why she feels desperate to get rid of him yet worried about being a single parent, her confidence and self esteem has taken a knock, and even if she is sure this is what she wants , it's a daunting step to take, and financial worries are par for the course

i dont think newmoon comes across as full of self pity at all, more exasperated and fed up with the prolonged split she is having to endure

if it was me i would pack up his stuff, put it outside the door and take his key. i think you are being very nice. too nice. you will probably find that you are still sharing the house in a year. (whereabouts are you btw?)

you know what it called to mind? a plaster. do you peel it off a milimetre at a time, trying to avoid the pain of the rip but it just prolongs the agony or do you take a corner and RRRRRRip really fast. big ouch but it's over and done.

i think the time has come for you to take the corner of the plaster and pull.

good luck to you whatever you decide, it sounds like a miserable existance all round.

Quite, MPTW.

I'm not saying she is completely full of self pity, but, there is some going around, and its equally divided.

I think that sometimes, when you are in the middle of a situation, your frustration and tiredness of the issue can cloud your judgement and perception. I think that newmoon needs to be aware of this, for her own sanity, and to preserve relations with her DS' father.

i think she sounds worn out by the stress of it all, but ikwym about being in the middle and not being able to see clearly

i found myself slipping back to the role i had with exh when he was here and got more and more depressed, it took a big kick in the pants to wake me up and realise he had no control over me any more, which is when i finally managed to get him turfed out

Thanks everyone for your input

VVVQV - I was feeling a bit sorry for my self last night, you were right about that. I should have ended this relationship 3.5 years ago when we'd not been getting on for a year but I let things tick along because I wasn't strong enough to make him leave. At that time we were living in a 1 bed flat, were up to our eyeballs in debt and I was severely depressed about our DS's development. I couldn't cope with it so it suited me to let him stay. I also thought that if the problems were dealt with then there was a chance of our relationship working again. So we took steps to resolve the issues. Now our DS has a diagnosis, we live in a suitable sized home and our debts are getting paid - but the relationship problems have got worse. We decided to seperate last June and although he was reluctant he agreed that we needed to do this and it would be best for everyone.

If P was a drunk, a wife beater, compulsive gambler, womaniser etc. then I'd have had his bags packed and on the door step a long time ago. (Not saying that I wish he was at all, but that if I hated him I wouldn't care what situation he was in), but he's a good man - just not the person I want to be with.

Last night's posts were a big moan because I'm tired of him being here all day everyday. I think most happy couples would be pissed off after 3 weeks living in each others pockets, but it's been impossible for me to remain calm because he irritates me so much. I was up most of last night with DS (hence my posting times) and after dropping him off at school this morning I just wanted to go to sleep. At 10.30 he came in and vacuumed the bedroom FFS. He did that because I'd maoned at him yesterday for not tidying up after himself. All I wanted was for him to chuck his boxers in the laundry bin instead of on the floor, put his beer can in the bin when he went to get another one and make the small effort of taking his plate to the kitchen after he's eaten.

He's had the last 6 months to save for a deposit on a flat and make arrangements for somewhere new to live. He told me that this would take a maximum of 6 WEEKS!!! I was sooooo angry yesterday when he more or less admitted that he'd been stalling on purpose because he doesn't want to be lonely. So, because he's afriad of getting on with his life he's made damn sure that I can't get on with mine either.

I don't see why you think that he'll be in the same position as me once we live apart. He won't! He'll go to work and then do whatever he wants with his free-time and spare cash. I can't do that because I won't have an free-time or spare cash. I think he's very attractive and kind and would be appealing to lots of women. I think that my chances of meeting someone new and them wanting to be part of my life are slim.

If it was him that wanted to end the relationship he'd just pack and go - I'd have no choice about that.

MTPW I'm in the South East.