Husband totally unsupportive do you agree?

[Hotwaterbottle1]

Hi

I've been on here for years but never really posted until recently (changed name as was worried old name recognisable). Basically marriage been falling apart for years. Nothing huge but my H is so unable to be emotionally there for me its caused me so much heartache. Intimacy has been very little for years unless instigated by me and we now have had no sex for a year as I stopped trying. Over the years I have tried everything, talked until I am blue in the face. Thrown him out for a week. Split up for 5 months. "Things will change" he says every single time. It never does. We hardly chat either. Any conversation is regarding the kids, house, day to day stuff. We have nothing in common, sit in different rooms every evening. Basically grown apart. Its become more apparent as the kids are a bit older and spend time in their rooms & with friends so we are left alone. Instead of enjoying its just so uncomfortable. I've taken to making plans every weekend with friends and/or the kids as I cant stand being in the house.

Anyway, that's the background. I just wanted thoughts on one incident which for me was the end & no going back.

I had a minor op last year, he came to pick me up and a good 10 mins into the journey home I eventually said are you not going to ask how it went and how I am? He said the nurse that called him to pick me up told him it went well! No hug, nothing. Don't get me wrong, practically he was good making cups of tea, dinner etc but no show of concern. The next day thought I felt worse and worse until bedtime the pain was unbearable so I took more painkillers and tried to sleep but ended up getting up. My DH woke up and I told him how I felt and was going downstairs to call NHS 24. I called and they said I had to come in and would send transport for me. He came down and asked what was happening and I explained. I did say you may as well go back to sleep (it was Friday so no work the next day) so he did. So I lay on the couch in agony for 2 hours waiting on transport, went in, was assessed, given an injection, more painkillers and hours later sent home. Got home, in too much pain to get up the stairs so lay back down on couch. He never got up to see me (even though he said he had heard me come in). So I lay there still in agony for the rest of the night. Got my kids to help me upstairs the next day.

he sounds like a completely selfsih arsehole. get yourself better, get yourself someone who gives a shit about you.

what a horrible little man. urgh

If this is how he is when you are in agony, he provides no love & support.
Get shot.

Is it just you or is he like this with the children?

He is great with the kids, bit impatient, but anything emotional they come to me. He is great in a practical way ie being their taxi, making dinner, helping them with stuff if they ask.

So, he shows a lack of empathy with them too?

He does show concern, he can be affectionate with them sometimes. I think its really just me.

I absolutely don't think it's you! It's him, all the way. I had an incident one night, DH just got in from nights, I was in agony, I got him up, he took me to hospital and stayed with me through hours of triage, cos that is what someone who gives a shit does. This is my first LTB! What are the advantages of staying?

You split up for 5 months and he said things will change? Well they haven't changed for the better have they.

Sorry, my own dh isn't what you'd call very emotionally intelligent but this is actually sickening. I can't see a happy future for you in sticking with this.

I think you'll be happier co parenting from separate houses.

Our relationship got this (DH had emotionally detached from me first I then had to do the same to survive emotionally/mentally).

I arranged to leave him and split up (he was main carer so it meant leaving my DC too )and he had an epiphany. 2 years on it's much better than it was but will never be emotionally intimate as it once was (well I don't think).

I can honestly say hand on heart leave, you've already split up before and that didn't change him so there is no willingness on his part to actually try.

I can't get over the fact you had to wait in agony for transport when he could have taken you in himself and instead he went to bed?! What?!

Selfish, selfish arsehole.

My mum and dad were together for 16 years and the straw that broke the camels back was when she had major surgery and he made he get a taxi home as he couldn't be bothered to pick her up. That was the end and nearly 20 years on she still mentions it now when she moans about him. Things like that don't go away.

You'd be better on your own.

He didn't want to drive me as would mean leaving the kids which I guess is true (they were 14 & 11) but he could have sat with me, held my hand, came down when I got home, even text me when I was there. I felt so alone.

Had another op in March this year and again practical but no emotional support.

I plan leaving next year when financially things are better. I've done all the sums and need to pay debts first. He does nothing to help with paperwork or finances.

I could have wrote all that, minus the operation, although like your H, mine could never bring himself to show much sympathy when I was ill.
He totally detached himself from me, emotionally and physically, the rejection was awful. Because we did once have a loving and passionate marriage.
But we split in January and I'm fine, the kids are fine, and so is he.

Like you we split last year for four months, I really thought it would be different. But he was even more distant when he came back.

It's taken me time to realise he just didn't love or respect me anymore. And I deserve to be valued, as do you.

I'm glad you are going to split, this kind of marriage is soul-destroying xxx

I hope you get better soon xx

Hotwaterbottle1, I agree with all that's been said. OK maybe he couldn't drive you to hospital because of kids, but he should have rung the NHS number and sought help for you. That's what is expected in a supportive relationship. You have to consider how you'd feel if you were that ill in the presence of a female friend. What opinion would you have of her if she'd just gone back to bed and left you lying on the couch. I do sympathise. I had a hysterectomy last month and although DH collected me from hospital, the next day I was alone at home resting (which was fine as I needed the peace and quiet) but he failed to ring or text me all day. Following day same routine. He didn't ask me once during entire convalescence whether I'd like a cup of tea and didn't make a single meal. It wasn't a problem for me to cook but his whole attitude just left me thinking he doesn't care. My 16 yr old DD showed me more caring. I think your DH has acted almost callously towards you. How do you feel about it all now?

Thank you all.

I just cant get past how he was. I have told him since how upset it made me. We are now living & co-parenting, I told him I just wanted to live as friends but he keeps talking about the future, bought me valentines flowers etc, its like he never listens to me ever and thinks everything is ok. We will never ever get back what we had as the thought of him touching me actually repulses me now which is so upsetting.

There is nothing to stop you start the ball rolling now, financially the debts are ones of the marriage etc. and it could take many many months to sort out things between you financially, what to do about living arrangements etc.

Ive spoken to a financial advisor and he basically said if I can stick it for a year to pay off the majority of the debt then it will be much better for me & H. I'm worried if I say anything final now he will potentially go mad and just not listen to reason and go leaving us both in a crappy situation as well as the kids.