Low Confidence, Jealousy, Insecurity

[RRMummy]

I'm looking for some advice. When I look back on my life I have been through a lot (Previous domestic abuse, no father in my life, no family support) but it really doesn't mean I should feel/behave like this. I'm just so insecure just now, low in confidence and also insanely jealous of my partner even so much as looking at another woman.

When we go out I watch him to see if he notices anyone. I know his type, so the minute I spot anyone with blonde hair and a decent figure. I watch him to see what he will do, to see if he will look at them. Writing that down it makes me sound absolutely crazy, I'm not even sure what the purpose of it is because if he doesn't look I don't feel amazing or even any better and if he does look I feel worthless and then give him the silent treatment. If he asks what's wrong it then ends up in an argument.

We very rarely go out anywhere together for the fear of him looking at someone else, I won't watch programs if I feel there's going to be pretty girls on it. We are due to go on holiday soon and after two kids, my body is a mess and I'm absolutely dreading what should be a lovely time and a break from work and the kids.

He is a decent guy, helps around the house and isn't interested in going out or at the pub all the time so I know I'm lucky.

We did had a lot of trouble with his ex, she accused him of affairs, which he totally denys. That caused us a lot of stress and then I found out some of the things he had told me were lies which I think have planted seeds in my head. However I'm not trying to shift the blame, I know this is my own confidence/insecurity that's causing this psycho behaviour, I just think all the stress and lies haven't helped.

I'm looking for help, not people to state the obvious "stop thinking like that" "if you keep it up he will get fed up and leave you" these are things I already know. I suppose I'm just looking for someone to tell me they've felt like this and what they done to overcome it and if they feel better now?

Thanks in advance x

First of all I don't think you are being fair to yourself by thinking that you are an insanely jealous psycho.

His ex has accused him of affairs, and you have caught him out in some lies that have naturally made you wonder whether he is lying about the affairs too.

Were you like this in previous relationships? What does he do to reassure you?

If you still feel that this is your problem, that you have always behaved like this, that he does everything he can to demonstrate that he is only interested in you, then all I can think of is having some counselling to get to the root of it and build your self esteem.

In the meantime, acknowledge to yourself that it is unwanted behaviour and fake it until you make it. You won't stop feeling like that overnight but you can take a deep breath, count to ten, rationalise it and stop any arguments/silent treatment before they begin.

Thanks, I appreciate your reply!

My last relationship was different because I was a victim of domestic abuse and I was the one that got accused of things constantly. My ex used to check my phone constantly and I wasn't allowed any social networks or anything, he would go mad if I even spoke to a guy I had known for years. He was quite hard on me.

When I eventually left, I stayed single for about 3 years, enough time to try get my head back together, have some counselling and build myself up. I don't think I will ever be the person I was before I met him as he changed me completely, as I said my confidence is ruined.

However my current partner does try reassure me that I'm the one he wants, I don't know why I'm so jealous. I'm not sure if maybe I'm scared he's going to see all the horrible things I hate about myself and find someone better or if his ex saying he had affairs has planted a seed that is now growing out of control.

I think maybe some therapy is what I need, I'll contact my GP and hopefully they will be able to refer me on to someone.

I don't want to be a horrible jealous person or feel so unhappy. I just want to be happy - which sounds like the simpliest thing in the world

Well, to be fair to you, it's not just that his ex accused him of having affairs, it's that she did so and you've caught him out in other lies. Has he explained what the reason for lying was?

However, to be fair to him, it does sound like this is mostly your chronic insecurity as a result of the previous abuse. You feel as if you 'should' be over that by now but (a) you clearly aren't and (b) there is no timetable you have to stick to. Did you do the Freedom Programme before? Did your previous counsellor specialise in abuse? I would talk to Women's Aid about where you can access specialist support, and I think in the meantime I would lay it all out for your DP, i.e. your self esteem has been destroyed in the previous relationship and you are struggling with negative thoughts about him leaving or cheating. The previous lies aren't helping you to overcome these negative thoughts but the root cause is internal (unless there's more to the previous lies than you've posted so far?).

The fact that you're dreading the holiday is very sad. Is it because he's going to see you in a swimming costume and you think he will be comparing you negatively to other women nearby? If so, I would tell him that - i.e. that you're worried about it, not that you think he actually will do that! In general is he someone who ogles other women? I find that unbelievably rude even when it's relatively benign, i.e. glancing for too long during a conversation. However, you say he doesn't even always look, so it doesn't sound as if he's really doing anything to cause your feelings about him looking?

Yeah he told me why he had lied about some things. I was just disappointed that he hadn't told me the truth when I had been through a lot with him and disappointed that he didn't feel he could be open with me. I suppose between his ex and my insecurity there is some doubt. Although since then I would say he has tried to be honest with me about everything.

Apart from those initial lies he doesn't do anything to make me feel like he would cheat on me, like I said he's not out a lot, he's happy to be at home as a family.

My counsellor before wasn't specifically trained in domestic abuse. It was through my work. The first time the woman met me, she said we only see people 3 times - I was quite surprised there was a limit on it as she didn't even know why I was there yet! I'll maybe look into that and see if a properly trained counsellor might be able to help.

The holiday is partly because I hate my own body and the other half is I'll be worried that there will be beautiful women there who I'll compare myself to and he might look at.

I've tried reasoning with myself before. I've said, so what if he looks at the odd woman that's pretty, what's the big deal but for some reason it just kills me inside, it's probably my own insecurity eating me up. It's a horrible feeling, I feel worthless and it just spirals from there.

When I write all this down I know I sound absolutely crazy.

No, you don't sound crazy. You just sound like you have crippling low self-esteem.

I think you should disregard your previous counselling - presumably 3 is the limit set by the company (as this was through the employee assistance programme?). You need someone who specialises in the psychological trauma of what you've been through. It doesn't sound as if you did do the Freedom Programme previously, you really should look into that.

Is there a reason why you are going on a type of holiday you really can't enjoy? Your fears may be irrational but that doesn't make them not important. For example, if you were terrified of flying, you might choose to push through that for the sake of the holiday, or you might choose to take a different kind of holiday. If you were afraid of water, you wouldn't choose a beach or pool holiday. Did you feel you had to go along with this because you knew everyone else would enjoy it? Hopefully one day you will be able to as well, but in the meantime, you are allowed to say you'd like to do something different.

I guess maybe it's worth thinking that you're not being entirely honest with him, i.e. about your feelings. If his lies were similar (things kept from you ostensibly because he felt it was in your best interests not to know) perhaps you both need to be clearer about who you are?

I will look into the Freedom Programme and see if that's something I can do, I would give anything a try, I can't go on feeling like this.

I'm going to try and find some time to do some exercises and I've bought a groupon deal for a stomach treatment, so hopefully with that I'll maybe feel slightly more comfortable on holiday.

I think I'm just a very critical person, especially of myself. I can't find anything nice about me, but I could give you a list as long as my arm of what's wrong with me.

I've spoken to my partner at length about how I feel. He doesn't understand why I hate myself so much, he says I'm beautiful and he has said I'm going to end up making myself go crazy if I keep being so hard on myself.

I think everyone has their limit and his patience is starting to wear thin with me. We have both been under a lot of stress, more so lately and it's causing a lot of narky comments which lead to full blown arguments.

If I was feeling better and more secure, we would probably get on a million times better!

I know this is an older post but I had to reply.
I'm in your boat. Exactly the same. Obsessive and insecure. I've just came back from a holiday and it was a nightmare. I've put on a lot of weight and there were gorgeous, slim women in bikinis everywhere. Some even topless. I felt hideous and was constantly checking to see if he was looking.
There was a game and one of the reps pulled him up on stage and paired him up with some random woman along with other pairs. She was thin and gorgeous and they had to have a dance off. He put his hand on her waist and I felt sick. I ended up disappearing and ran off to the beach alone in tears. I just feel so disgusted with myself, my body and my behaviour.

I came back an hour later and hurled abuse at him for touching her. It's totally irrational but I had to let rip to him how I feel about myself. How I have no self worth due to past relationships and bullying in the work place. I'm a nervous wreck and I'm totally out of control.
I'm now doing slimming world and I'm not giving up until I hit my target. If then I still feel crap about myself I know I will never be happy with myself.

Dp thinks I have depression and I'm going to the gp to see about councelling. I feel ashamed of myself for it but I can't live like this. I want to go on holiday and enjoy it and enjoy my relationship without feeling sick at the thought of dp looking at another woman. Hes not a chest or a perv so it's not like I have an excuse to worry.
I hope your doing better op. Do everything you can to find your self worth!

Am sorry to read (but not altogether surprised) that previous work based counselling did not help much if at all. You need more than 3 sessions (that is poor anyway to offer someone just that number) and it also sounds like the counsellor was not trained at all in domestic abuse.

I think there is an awful lot to unpick here and it will be hard going for you on occasion. Re counselling I would contact BACP
www.bacp.co.uk/seeking_therapist/right_therapist.php as they are very good and do not charge the earth. I would also suggest you look at enrolling on Womens Aid Freedom Programme and doing this in person rather than online.

Just to say you're not alone. I'm exactly the same, do all the same things.
My dp says I'm paranoid and imagining things. Although I don't think he would admit eyeing up young teenage girls to me anyway.

No helpful advice just someone who understands how you feel. It's awful. It's a personal prison and over time it's soul destroying.

But, if you can get help. PLEASE DO IT!
Id hate for you to end up like me. It's completely killed me inside and out, social anxiety, no life to speak of.

I hope you find some peace x