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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leaving abusive partner - struggling to cope

20 replies

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 09:28

Hi, I am finally summoning up the courage to leave DP after 5 years. We have two young DDs (under two). I am a SAHM.

He has been abusive for over two years: name calling, critical of my appearance, my family. Trying to stop my parents coming to see me in our (jointly owned) property. He grabbed me violently recently (bruising me badly) and I called police as I was scared and all he could say was that I was out of order and he and his family hadn't forgiven me for that.

Decided I am not happy - I am constantly tired because of all this. Told him that and he flatly refused to take any responsibility for causing this unhappiness. I can't go on like this so we have separated but living under the same roof until we can sell our house.
He said we will do this amicably but he is being very frosty at the moment.

It is all incredibly painful and really could do with any advice from anyone who has been in this situation - am I doing the right thing? Does it get easier?

OP posts:

Squeegle · 30/05/2016 09:30

Yes you are doing the right thing. Your consistency will pay off. I'm sorry you're going through this; it makes you doubt yourself. But you will get there. Why is he still there?

Squeegle · 30/05/2016 09:31

Sorry, just saw about the house. Can he not move out somewhere?

Original poster

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 09:35

He won't leave as it is his house too (he said) but I think he has been looking at rentals. Hopefully he will go until we can sell so me and DDs can stay. Would like to sell up asap!

OP posts:

Squeegle · 30/05/2016 09:37

Yes, sounds good, but it would be good if he could go elsewhere, to family (?) in meantime. I did split from abusive ex, in the end he did move out to a shared house. That made it easier.

Original poster

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 09:54

Thank you. Did you have children? Did you try to work things out with him? I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact he can't take any of the blame and says it is all my fault I am breaking up the family... Also finding it hard to deal with his family's attitude to me - they think he is an angel. They don't believe he is capable of violent behaviour

OP posts:

Squeegle · 30/05/2016 10:01

I have DCs, at that point they were 10 and 7. He was drinking as well as being angry and horrible to me. He did blame me (all my fault as I was no fun, treated him like a schoolboy, didn't keep the house well etc). It was very difficult, but much easier in the end when he suddenly decided to go. Later he has said to me he just thought to himself why do I want to be here if she's so annoying!! I did try and make it work, I wanted it to work; bent over backwards really and was probably codependent. But the fact is, unless there is mutual care and love and courtesy, it can't ever work ... It took me a long time to get it as I really didn't want to be a lone parent

Squeegle · 30/05/2016 10:02

But in fact it is a lot better now. Not saying it's perfect, it's hard work- but it's so much better than living in a constant state of walking on eggshells - not knowing how things are going to be, blaming yourself for saying the wrong thing, etc etc

Squeegle · 30/05/2016 10:04

Re the family - well, they will have their own issues, you just have to be honest, consistent and not be swayed by what they will or won't believe. After all you know the truth from your side. They don't.

Original poster

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 10:11

You are so right - and yes I really didn't want to be a lone parent either with children so young but it is just getting me down. He is very controlling as well.

OP posts:

Squeegle · 30/05/2016 10:16

Good for you, think about it - he was violent to you, you called the police, he and his family think you were out of order! Doesn't sound to anyone balanced that you were the one out of order!
Good luck. Try and get RL support. One thing I found, was that when I started being honest with people, instead of covering up and pretending everything was ok, it helped me. People were shocked that he used to call me c and b, whereas somehow in my mind I had normalised it's. Or even thought maybe I deserved it . When u realised how shocked they were, I realised how wrong the situation was and how it really wasn't my fault.

Squeegle · 30/05/2016 10:16

When I realised, I mean.

Original poster

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 10:30

I have now spoken to an old friend about the abuse and he was shocked. He would never speak to his wife like this. I didn't get the c word but did get the "evil b*tch" and was constantly called manipulative. Nothing I ever did was good enough. So tiring!! His family's attitude really didn't help!
Does he take an interest in your DC? How often does he see them?

OP posts:

Squeegle · 30/05/2016 10:34

Things are a lot better now, he has stopped drinking, is much calmer ( we are 4 years on). He sees them about once a week, he has been through the mill a lot and has come out much more philosophical. So that is good. But obviously at the time I did not know how it was going to go, and just getting out of that awful atmosphere was liberating .

Original poster

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 16:19

Glad things have worked out for you :)

OP posts:

CharlotteCollins · 30/05/2016 16:27

The fact he won't take any blame, and his family's unhelpful attitudes - can you think of them as evidence that you are doing the right thing, that there really is no hope?

It is very stressful sharing a house after separation. It's good that you had a friend to talk to. Do you have a wider support network you can lean on for a little while?

Original poster

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 17:47

He is now saying he wants to make things work between us for the kids' sake - but when I told him some of the issues (e.g verbal abuse) he says he's apologised for that so let's move on.

Really don't see how I can move on!! Not with this relationship anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 17:48

Yes I have an amazing support network, but haven't confided in them about all our problems yet. I know they will be there for me though

OP posts:

smilingeyes11 · 30/05/2016 19:58

Abusers don't change - he sounds vile. I hope you do get rid once and for all. And you should never stay together for the sake of the kids nor should you tolerate him treating you like this in front of them.

Original poster

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 20:22

He is vile - I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact I need to leave now. It's just how I go about it really..

OP posts:

hpsaucey5 · 13/06/2016 23:31

Hi PiratesHat,

I just wanted to say how much I admire how strong you are being. I am in the process of leaving someone. As you know it isn't easy - especially in this type of situation and with children. Take heart from how strong you've been so far and the support you have around you! Do you have a Freedom programme anywhere near you? Worth checking out if you do. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

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