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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband problem

20 replies

Mishaps · 30/05/2016 08:01

OH has a neurological illness that means he is unable to have sex in any normal fashion. One of the drugs he is on causes hypersexuality, but does not also bring with it the ability to have a proper erection. He just wants to masturbate over me (he can still do that) - all the time. I am 67 years old and frankly I have simply had enough of it. I love him for all he was and all we have achieved together, but I cannot bear all this any longer. I just want to live peacefully together. WTF do I do? It never ends. I am at the end of my tether. The idea of the point of sexual encounters being mutual pleasure is lost on him completely as his brain degenerates.

I have medical problems that cause me a lot of pain and poor sleep; I have had a depressive illness in the past. I can take no more.

OP posts:

hesterton · 30/05/2016 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Mishaps · 30/05/2016 08:36

Thanks hesterton - it does indeed feel miserable. We are on holiday at the moment and he is always worse then as he does not go out with me to do anything and he has nothing else to distract him, in the way he does at home - tinkering with computer and TV etc.

We do indeed have a spare room, but I hesitate to do this to him as he would be heartbroken and would feel rejected - he has enough to be sad about as it is.

I have talked with him about it; but the problem is that he has forgotten this within 24 hours and the whole thing starts all over again - to my despair. It is difficult to know how much of this forgetting is caused by his illness and how much is "him."

I do not want to leave the marriage - too much family fallout would ensue - the children and GC all love him - and he cannot help this sad illness that has afflicted him - in sickness and in health and all that.

I just needed to let off steam somewhere.

OP posts:

TheoriginalLEM · 30/05/2016 08:42

how awful for you. both of you. Could he be given any medication to counter the hypersexuality?

Kr1stina · 30/05/2016 08:45

If he forgets things aftre 24 hours, why can't he move into the spare room on a temporary basis ? You can keep telling him it's just until the weekend because you are sleeping badly because of your health problems .

You do not need to do anything sexual that you don't like . Agreeing to marry him doesn't give him the right to use your body any way he wants . If he's capable of masturbating I'm sure he can find other places to do it that's won't involve you.

Original poster

Mishaps · 30/05/2016 09:16

Thank you for your responses. They have helped me to see that I do not have to endure this and that I am not being unreasonable or unkind, which is how I am made to feel. I have tried to persuade him to make use of the shower, so to speak, but he just looks glum and starts reminding me of our marriage vows. Turning round and saying there was nothing in the vows that says I should tolerate this is pointless - I have tried, believe me. I cannot leave him - he did not ask for this to happen to him.

OP posts:

Kr1stina · 30/05/2016 09:25

Well you either have to put up with him " looking glum " ( which is called sulking when children do it ) or have him do stuff to you which you hate .

Before this illness happened to him, was he always a kind and considerate lover ? Or has he always been very selfish in bed ? I ask because you mention something about not knowing how much is the illness and how much is just him .

I understand that you don't want to leave him . But if you decide to stay you still have the right to make choices about your own body .

Lots of couples don't share a bedroom you know ( seems to work for the queen !!! )

VulcanWoman · 30/05/2016 09:39

Sorry you're going through this. As he doing this near you, he must see that you're disgusted basically but he just doesn't care, he's being abusive, is the impression I get from what you've wrote here, you shouldn't have to put up with this any longer, you have the right to be happy you know. Separate rooms for sure, just let him sulk. if that's what he wants to do, don't pander to him any longer. Your family may love him but they love you too, they wouldn't want you suffering like this (if it comes to separation), because that's what it is. Best wishes.

Squeegle · 30/05/2016 09:42

Are you able to talk to his doctor re the drugs?

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 30/05/2016 09:43

I think you both need to talk to your husband's GP. If it's the medication that's causing the problem there may be alternatives.

Fyaral · 30/05/2016 10:19

Medication tweaks may help?

whimsical1975 · 30/05/2016 10:42

It must be so incredibly difficult. I think your best bet is firstly a visit to the Dr to see, as PP suggested, if there are meds to fix this... and secondly, an appointment for you with a professional who can help you deal with this on an emotional level.

Original poster

Mishaps · 30/05/2016 12:32

We have indeed tried medicine tweaks - in the end this medication improves his mobility and speed of cognitive functioning as well as reducing his tremor. The gains are enormous, but it makes him obsessional and repetitive, and causes the sexual problem. The problem is compounded by the fact that he is a well-known medical professional in a small area and whoever I speak to is likely to know him - I feel he needs to retain the self-respect that has been so important to him.

I did try seeing a counsellor, but she said that all she could do was let me let off steam - what I really needed was someone to give me some perspective on what is happening that might help me to know how to deal with it.

I am very grateful for all your thoughts on this. It is such a shame to see your life's partner degenerating in this way and losing some of his personality.

OP posts:

P1nkP0ppy · 30/05/2016 12:39

Is there an organisation for his neurological disorder that might be able to give you some advice eg. Parkinson's UK if it's PD? There must be others on the same medication and therefore experiencing hypersexuality?
It sounds incredibly hard for you op 💐x

Original poster

Mishaps · 30/05/2016 12:47

Yep - it feels pretty hard some days - particularly bad at the moment as we are on holiday and he cannot cope well with changes of routine.

I will try Parks UK - I just need to find some way of contacting them when he is not about - that is not very easy as he does not go anywhere. I will need to drive somewhere with mobile reception.

OP posts:

VulcanWoman · 30/05/2016 14:46

Sounds like you're walking on egg shells with him too.
Kr1stina asked if your husband had always been like this when it comes to sex, you didn't answer though.

MaMaof04 · 30/05/2016 15:03

Mishaps
You might either have the courage to speak about his deterioration in your community (without going into small details, without précising its sexual nature- so as not to reduce what he was to some gross instincts) and find for him an appropriate 'retirement house' or a 'club' where he can spend most of his time so that you can rest and keep your sanity; or you might have to move to another neighborhood/community so as to spare the image he built over he years in your community before the onset of the mental illness. By all means you must find someone you can talk to about what you are going through (a good friend/a therapist or mumsnet meanwhile. ) Good Luck!

whatever1234 · 30/05/2016 15:24

Oh you poor thing, you sound so miserable. This is NOT an acceptable way for you to live or him to live. You are both suffering through no fault of your own.

Do seek support from the organisation that support a suffers of this condition - maybe on line if you have problems with finding time alone.

Are you getting access to all the help you can? The CAB can be a good place to start, maybe there is assitance avaliable to you, such as benefits, at home help, resbite care etc. There is no shame in claiming everything you can, your husband's condition is affecting both of you, even if it just means you can get out of the house and have some time in your own.

With regard to the memory issues could you write to your husband? So he has something he can refer to. Maybe that might help? You do not have to live like this, to my knowledge there is nothing in the wedding vows that say you should do something that make you feel uncomfortable and degraded however devoted.

How much support do you have?

Would you consider booking a different type of holiday? Or maybe a holiday for you alone?

I have dealt with neurological conditions and they are incredibly traumatic for both the suffer and family. In some cases it's almost like grieving for someone that is still there is body but not mind or soul.

No your husband didn't ask for this but not did you.

Hth

Original poster

Mishaps · 30/05/2016 15:28

Thank you for your thoughts everyone.

Kr1istina' question - the answer is that he was not in the least like that before; although many many years ago I found his stash of porn vids and got very cross, as any of the DDs could have found them and played them, just as I did.

There are one or two people who are good friends of mine who have medical backgrounds and I have hinted to them that his abilities cognitively are slipping and they are understanding.

He was a much respected professional with a dry wit and all this is slipping away. But he is very good (within his physical limitations) with his GC.

Life is a bitch sometimes - enjoy yourselves before it all slips away.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mishaps · 30/05/2016 15:39

like grieving for someone that is still there in body but not mind or soul. - we are heading that way. It is the first signs of this that are proving so hard. Sometimes he is my OH (he always was a bit obsessive/neurotic) but sometimes I feel I hardly know him. I used to work in a Brain Injury Unit, so I have too much knowledge.

I have loving family but they are sad too so I do not like to load stuff on them - certainly not the sexual problems.

OP posts:

Kr1stina · 30/05/2016 17:39

I'm so sorry , I can see why you don't want to leave . And why you are reluctant to discuss this particular issue with someone who might have known your H professionally .

It still doesn't make the sexual stuff ok though and I suspect you will end up dealing with him as if he were a patient rather than your husband .

" no I'm sorry, I know you want to do that . But I don't like it and it's something we have to both be ok with . We need to find something we both like or you need to do it by yourself "

I heard a BBC radio 4 programme a few weeks ago, it's an interview with a mother and son . The father has Parkinson's and the medication caused a complete change in his personality . In his case, a man who was a good manager of money took up gambling and lost a great deal of the money he had saved for their retirement .

I know it's a very different issue from yours but the common theme seems to be that medication caused a dramatic change in the persons personality and it proved impossible to explain or discuss the problem with them .

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p02nrtwc/episodes/downloads

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