This is very long, sorry!
Have been with dh for 18 years, married for 12 years. We have 3 children between 10 and 4. Things have been up and down for a while, pretty much since the youngest was born really. Mostly it's not been bad enough to break up the family and we've muddled through. More recently though there have been more arguments and Dh has told me last week that he went to see a relate counselor on his own while I was at work. He had planned to keep this a secret and just use it to talk things through with the counselor and try to get suggestions on how to improve things at home but the counsellor strongly advised dh to tell me about it that day and that I should also go see them to talk things through for a session with a view to going together afterwards. I was surprised when dh told me, but I agreed to book a session myself and am going next week. Will be very tricky to go together later though, as both work full time, 3 kids and no babysitters!
DH is quite keen to work things out and for us to be happy I think. He says he loves me and wants to do his best to Make things better.
The problem is, is that I'm very confused and not sure if I do any more.
I've basically come very near the end of my patience levels and for things to work out between us I feel like it's going to be me who has to do all the work, make all the changes and just put up with things more and I'm not sure I have the energy or desire to do that any more :-(
Dh has always always been different. He's got an incredible amount of energy, he wants to try all the things and do all the hobbies and try every food/gadget/game etc. he's also very clever, has a very mathematical mind. He reads huge maths text books for fun. He has lots of positive qualities... He's fun with the kids, will always be the one joining in with crazy games on the trampoline or scooters, he's very generous, very sociable and will talk to anyone about anything, always up for a new challenge or experience.
On the downside... He's very very absent minded, extremely distractable and really forgetful. He's got more like this as he's got older I think too.
I feel like he's often somewhere else in his mind a lot of the time. I can be talking to him and he will answer me with an appropriate answer but he won't be actually listening and will have no recollection of the conversation minutes later. Sometimes I can tell, but often I can't so it's infuriating to have to repeat things all th time and never know if its going in or not. He double books things all the time, including important things that I tell him about. He's late often as he loses track of time. On occasion his distracted ness has led to quite bad things happening. Once one of our children was injured and another time one of the children had a very serious near miss. I have found these very hard to forget/forgive. He does say he's sorry but makes no effort at all to change his behaviour to prevent similar from happening again so I always feel a bit on edge when the kids are with him.
He doesn't notice things out of place or mess at home. He can leave a trail of mess and untidiness behind him and genuinely not notice it.
He forgets things instantly and the times this really bothers me is things like ill tell him I'm talking one of the children to the drs, that I'm worried about x or y and we will get back and he will say 'did you have a nice day, where have you been?' Like its of so little importance he can't even remember things I'm worried about or when our own children are ill.
Our eldest is on the autistic spectrum and the chances are dh is too. I believe he is. Dh believes he is and even the specialists who diagnosed our son hinted at it quite strongly.
We've tried to work around his personality and with a bit of discussion we've come up with ways that should help. Like he now has set jobs that he has complete control of. Like he does all the washing, drying and putting away as a kind of compensation for not noticing the mess he makes and for not being able to tidy up after himself as he goes along.
He baths and put the children to bed each night in return for me not moaning that he sleeps in every single morning (he's a. Night owl, stays up till early hours every night). I get up every single morning with the kids and do all the morning stuff. I haven't had a lie in for years.
It seems like a good swap on paper and he's trying his best to do the right thing, but it just have no patience any more for the forgetfulness and absent minded mess and him being so distracted all the time. We do have good times. We have fun days out, when we are I with friends an d he is engaged and in the moment we have a lovely time but then when we get back home to day to day life that doesn't keep him as captivated he is distracted again and I get snappy and cross and we argue in front of the kids and it's no good again.
We've got a summer holiday booked and I'm looking forward to it. He will be mostly interested in the things we are doing and we will mostly get on ok I think while away.
I sometimes think we would be better off living separately bu still be together and that might work?
Not sure what advice I'm asking for really. Anybody in a similar situation perhaps? If it really is an ASD thing.... Will he ever be different? Will I learn to accept him as he is and accept that he isn't going to change? Should we split up?
Bit nervous about what happens in an individual relate session also....what things I will get asked and what to say :-S
Any words of wisdom please???