how do I find out for sure?

[justnodandsmile]

So today I found a receipt, from a woman's clothes store in my husbands wallet. There was only an amount and a barcode so I have no idea what he bought. They only sell women's things and the date stamp was during a week when I was working away from home. I have not received any gift and it would be very out of character for him to buy me anything. I don't know what to make of it - it could be innocent.
Our relationship is pretty shit. He treats me like I'm irrelevant, is controlling, critical and unkind but after over 10 years together I didn't see this ever coming. Although recently he has made a few classic suspicious moves, such as suddenly taking an interest in the way he looks and spending ridiculous amounts on a new wardrobe (this is VERY out of character- I don't think he's bought himself anything for over 5 years!) and starting to do weights. He works late a lot (but to be fair he always has), started mentioning a new girl at work a lot in what was I suspect an attempt to make me jealous. I didn't bite and he's stopped mentioning her now but it made me feel as though he is/was maybe in the 'pre affair' stage. He's going on a 'work outing' weekend away soon which she will be attending.
Can anyone help me work out how I can find out if he's having an affair? Hiring a private investigator is out as he controls all our money. I have two small dcs I can't leave to follow him and his work place is closely monitored so I'd worry I'd be picked up on cctv if I just started hanging around in his car park. I know I've shot myself in the foot with this one but I don't know how to access our joint bank account and he receives all of his statements online. I do know a couple of people he works with but not sure where their loyalty would lie. God I'm such an idiot. Any advice? I feel sick and need to know if there is anything going on.

Joint bank account. It's a JOiNT account. Call the bank and ask them to send your passwords to log in. You may even be able to apply online and they will post you the passcode depending on who you bank with. He won't get a copy or an alert. They are your passwords.

Start online first - have your account number handy.

Then print / email copies of statements etc.

Lucy where is the OP supposed to get the money or the facility to do that?

In any case I agree that given his other behaviour whether he's unfaithful isn't the most important issue.

They are fairly cheap tonnes of websites sell them.

And she has no access to the bank account.

In any case of what possible benefit would such a purchase be?

Funko
Tbh I think calling or visiting the bank would be best, it's the quickest way for the OP to get access to her bank account (including statements). Online banking is a good idea and it wouldn't hurt to request it, but it will take a while for them to send the access codes in the post, and meanwhile she needs access to her account now.

Why bother?

Seriously, he treats you like shit so why stay with him? Why waste more years with him when you could have a relationship that is mutually respectful.

Bin him.

OP when I was in this almost exact same situation I felt the same way you do about needing to find out for sure about XH's affair. Now I'm not saying my reasons were the same but I'll share them in case it helps you or someone else.

By the time I had got to the point of really suspecting an affair I wasn't in a normal frame of mind at all. I'd been living in a state of increasingly unmanageable cognitive dissonance for a long time and didn't have my own frame of reference for reality any more. I knew the way XH was treating me was awful and that I was being terribly abused - but at the end of the day, he disagreed: he said he wasn't abusing me it was all me and I was crazy - and whatever he said by that point was the reality. So much though I wanted to, I didn't have a legitimate reason to leave the marriage as he was denying my reality. I was completely brainwashed like someone in a cult. For some reason I felt that if I had iron clad evidence of an affair it would be a reason to leave that he couldn't argue away and would have to accept - because it wouldn't be something I was subjectively experiencing it would just be an irrefutable fact. I know this doesn't make much sense now, looking back at it rationally from outside that situation but that's how I was progressing information at the time.

Anyway I wasn't wrong: finding out conclusively about the affair broke the spell, something switched over in my head and I left straight away and never looked back - in fact I had no trouble staying away from him. For a while I was very damaged by the cognitive dissonance I had lived with 24/7 for so long and I was extremely paranoid about trusting anyone, accusing my parents of crazy things and making irrational decisions. Years later, although I've almost completely recovered, i still find it difficult when I hear people say "why don't you just leave" to people in abusive relationships. I think this fails to recognise that the person may genuinely lack the mental resources to remove themselves from the situation and what that might be like. I think it's very easy to judge from a position of mental wellness. When I did the Freedom Programme they had a rule that no-one should tell anyone else to leave their relationship or say why don't you just go.

I hope you're OK OP and find out whatever you need to whatever your reasons.

*processing

someone you have just perfectly described my situation. I knew things were wrong in marriage, but doubted myself to the degree that I needed proof to get freedom. After STBXH left it wasn't the missing him that was the real problem it was me; my doubts and feeling of lost sanity. I'm working through it with counselling. I recommend counselling to OP.

It is very easy to suggest leaving without knowing the history of a marriage. There is an opportunity here to reset your relationship. Be honest and open and frank. See if you are both willing to make things work, including addressing his possible affair and his controlling nature. Sit down and say the hardest of words: "we need to talk." You have been together for ten years, don't throw it away on suspicions. Communicate, be honest, argue/cry if necessary. Don't sneak around and think about private detectives. That is not the way to move forward in a relationship. Good luck

Dreadful advice gorf123

Suggesting to the OP that after 10 years of criticism, being treated like shit, been controlled and treated unkindly is not worth throwing away is ridiculous.

This is the 21st century not Victorian times.

He's abusive and that won't change.

Insignificant in the big scheme of things but photograph the receipt in case he finds it

By the way OP I think your instincts are absolutely spot on in terms of keeping your cards close to your chest and not letting him know you have suspicions or concerns. Don't break on this; you might feel tempted to confide in him but maintain your resolve. Trust yourself.

What have you been doing to get money if you do not even know
your j account password?
Housekeeping on the mantelpiece?

You don't need to justify it to anybody. You're not happy. He's controlling. He's (at the very least) financially abusive and he pays you no attention.

Let him get on with whatever he's up to. You try an squirrel away a splitting up fund.