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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He ticks every single box - except one important one.

21 replies

duffbeergoggles · 29/05/2016 18:54

I so wish I were sexually attracted to him. We are very compatible in lots of ways.

This is the second time we have started seeing each other and the first time we stopped was for this same reason - my feelings for him hit a plateau at liking him an awful lot but not developing sexual attraction, although there are things about him which I do find attractive. This time started off really well but the same thing is happening again and now he says he is in love. Everyone who knows we're seeing each other is assuming we're sleeping together but the truth is we haven't even had a proper snog. He puts absolutely no pressure on me whatsoever but I instinctively know that he would like a fully intimate relationship and why wouldn't he? I do too, but...and I can't get pissed and get his kit off because neither of us drink!! We haven't talked about it, in fact we don't talk about 'us' at all, I think he is someone who finds it hard to say things directly so he introduces subjects like that indirectly through talking about other people. I'm happy not to talk about 'us' because I'm not into dissecting relationships, Ive been there and done that.

We're both divorced for a long time and were each married for a long time too. I am aware that he has had a similar experience with another GF who he was seeing on an off for YEARS while she didn't know what she wanted.

I don't know what I want here really, we're going out to the cinema later and already I'm thinking about the end of the evening. that's not good is it? In fact it's probably a red flag from his side of things isn't it? I'm somebody's red flag

How long should I give it? what's the best thing to do to see if I can make it happen? Time?

OP posts:

SorryYouWhat · 29/05/2016 19:03

TBH I read the title of this thread and thought "I know what the answer is" before even reading your post - as do you.

The clue is in your post title "except one IMPORTANT one"

You don't say how long you've been seeing him - but given you say it's your second time around - it's not like you haven't tried.

It won't change now and you are wasting your time. Yes passionate sexual attraction can grow, but it needs to have an attraction seed to group from. You don't have a seed. Won't happen. You know the answer as I said because it's clear from your thread title.

It's like trying to make a chocolate cake without eggs - you have the best quality ingredients - best cocoa, finely milled organic flour etc but no eggs. It's so nearly the world's best chocolate cake BUT YOU HAVE NO EGGS. You can't make the cake at all and the fact it is nearly the world's best chocolate cake is just in your head.

Minime85 · 29/05/2016 19:07

Love the cake analogy. I agree there are no eggs.

I think you either have to take the plunge and sleep with him and see what happens or say sorry it isn't working. It isn't fair on him or you.

littlejeopardy · 29/05/2016 19:11

Sorry Duff, I agree with Sorry I think you need to end it quickly. Sounds like a great guy but not the guy for you. I think in the long run it is better to be single then to be in a dissatisfied relationship.

Plus if you do break up you will both be available for someone who ticks all the boxes.

SorryYouWhat · 29/05/2016 19:13

Actually - I would revise what I just said following Minime85s post - the only thing you can do is go for it with a proper snog - I seriously doubt this will change anything but at least you'll know. Sometimes someone can be an awesome kisser and it changes how you see them- but as I said you neeed an attraction seed of some kind first.

When you say you both don't drink how "not drinking" is this? are you 100% teetotal? Or just "not big drinkers"? If the latter, I'd have few to relax - not over drunk - and try a snog.

But really this is a final check just to be sure- because the chance of him being the Rhett Butler of kissing and the missing ingredient finally arriving are pretty low. But there is a chance I guess so you could give it whirl to put your mind at rest -after all if you are asking here it is bugging you.

Better that than in 5 years you are posting here going "there was this guy... should I call him... should I have snogged him.. what if ... what if ....what if"

Original poster

duffbeergoggles · 29/05/2016 19:15

I also love the cake analogy. An old friend of mine suggested I'm looking for the 'perfect' relationship. How can that be? Am I? I thought i was just wanting perfect for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

duffbeergoggles · 29/05/2016 19:19

Sorry he is not an awesome kisser, we have had a few pecks which have nearly been a snog but I don't think he's very...experienced. And I don't want to be in the role of teacher.

Shit fuck bollox.

Alcohol is out of the question. Not for him. For me.

Thank you by the way.

OP posts:

HandyWoman · 29/05/2016 19:20

I think friends sometime give crap advice in relationships. Esp attached friends. They often want to see you happy = coupled up.

I agree with pp there are no eggs for this cake. Possibly go for last ditch snogging attempt, but prob not gonna happen.

BubblingUp · 29/05/2016 19:35

Just dumped a guy after 2 dates for the same reason. We are in our 50s. I thought some woman approaching 30 and desperate to get married and have kids would settle for a relationship like this - and then divorce later on when it never sparks up - but 2nd marriages, being older - naw. It's a deal breaker.

Catching a buzz to fabricate chemistry is not the right answer.

Minime85 · 29/05/2016 19:36

How long have you been together?

lavenderhoney · 29/05/2016 21:10

Why do you say you have to be pissed to get his kit off? My best sexual experiences have been when sober, day or night.

It's a simple question - do you fancy him and do you want sex with him.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 29/05/2016 21:15

No,no,no end it now. You can't force attraction and definitely shouldn't need to be pissed to have sex.

I knew what the thread was about too

ClopySow · 29/05/2016 21:16

I had this a couple of years ago. I really, really liked him. Could see that he'd be the kind of guy that would make a woman very happy. But i just didn't fancy him. I was really fucking annoyed with myself for not fancying him. Still am to be honest. He would have made a great boyfriend.

ClopySow · 29/05/2016 21:19

Oh. And you can make quite a good chocolate cake with mayonnaise. Which has egg yolks but isn't strictly eggs.

I'm not sure how that impacts on the cake anology. I'd like to think i've just said something quite deep.

AprilSkies44 · 29/05/2016 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 · 30/05/2016 09:20

End it now. There's no point in it without sexual attraction. You may as well just be friends

cathw55 · 30/05/2016 17:19

is the problem just his inexepreicned kissing turning you off? Maybe he would be a fast learner! Have you tried teaching him? I've shagged an older inexperienced man before, and although very awkward at first within a few months he was getting good at it! ;)

MadeMan · 30/05/2016 21:01

"...because the chance of him being the Rhett Butler of kissing and the missing ingredient finally arriving are pretty low."

That's probably not a bad thing, since Rhett Butler frankly doesn't give a Castlemaine XXXX and he would only run off anyway leaving the OP with a burning farmyard to sort out.

HandyWoman · 30/05/2016 21:03

Hahaha MadeMan

and massive LOL at 'Castlemaine XXXX' not heard that for ages!!!!

Did you go on the date, OP?

ImperialBlether · 30/05/2016 21:08

Apparently Rhett Butler had very bad breath.

nonladyofleisure · 30/05/2016 23:38

Sounds to me like this man is everything you think you want in a man.

I have make friends that tick all the boxes, but the thought of them touching me makes my teeth itch. But love their company.

Keep him in the friend zone where he lives.

Another tester is imagine how you would feel if he said he had met another woman?

Relief? Anger? Jealousy? Happiness for him?

Me and my recent ex split the sniff of another woman would destroy me. The ex previous to that I wouldn't batter an eyelid X

Original poster

duffbeergoggles · 31/05/2016 19:52

thank you for posting!

@ burning farmyard

I did go on the date, yes and it was so much better than I'd thought it would be given my frame of mind before hand and that's what's so confusing.

I don't need to be pissed to shag him but having a couple of wines to relax the nerves is often advised and I anticipated that being suggested - part of my difficulty is precisely that sober sex isn't something I've had a lot of experience in and without a lot of wine on board I'm no sex siren myself . This man is different from every other I've dated (and was married to) in every way you could imagine and I really, really like him. We've been seeing each other for about 4 months this time around. We do lots of interesting stuff.

somehow or other without doing anything in particular he is so lovely I melt inside - but after starting the thread I went to see him with ending it in mind. I was watching him and appreciating him and I realised I would definitely be upset if he met someone else and I'd be REALLY upset if he dumped me. I don't want him out of my life, that's what I'm saying.

We have a big 'do' coming up which he's invited me to and I was thinking about maybe asking if I can have a sleep over at his, like much nearer the time, or I think it would be tooooo much pressure It isn't for a few weeks (end July).

OP posts:

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