Living with the MIL guilt

[chakachumchom]

I don't get along with MIL.
She probably set her stall out wrongly from the outset, was overtly protective of DH from the moment I met her. She would call me out of the blue to request things as soon as we began dating really.
When we bought our first house, it was all "I would prefer it if you did this, I would prefer it of you did that..."
She requested a wedding long before DH even proposed as she didn't feel comfortable with us simply co-habiting. I was very tolerant for a long time, DH often apologised for her, would tell her not to bother me so much, but never really properly told her to back off.
Her interfering became intolerable during pregnancy with DS1, but as I was suffering with pre-natal depression I didn't raise the issue and tried to steer clear of her as much as I could. She made all sorts of demands on my time for 'after the baby is born...' it was overbearing.
When DS came along, the parenting criticisms began and I became possessive and protective over DS when she was around. She over-stepped too many lines and I began falling out with DH as a result, he asked her to back right off and she became bitter towards me as a result.

The bitterness has continued for 5 years- DS 2 is now here and rather than the criticisms come subtle remarks about our treatment of her. DS feels sorry for her, I feel complete dislike towards her and empathy towards DH for how difficult he finds it. I have now cut ties with MIL after everything blew up and I refused to be in her awkward, unreasonable company any more after one remark too many.

DH has spoken on my behalf and explained that I will no longer be in MIL'S company. He is clearly depressed and feels resentment towards me, whilst wanting to stand by my side. He's trying but he has had such a close relationship with his PILS that he's finding this tough. I feel so guilty to have been the one to sever the close ties he's had for so long, but I can't take much more. I've really tried to get along with her but I really dislike the lady.

I'm worried about the future state of our marriage and I'm not sure DH will be able to continue his commitment to me as time goes on. I would say that the situation has worn us both down and worn down our love for each other. I do still love DH, but it's made things very difficult.

Seeing now upset, miserable and lost he is without this closeness with MIL, I'm not sure I can handle the guilt of knowing that ultimately, it's because of me.

Oooh please could you post the link to where that Cassandra quote is from? That looks like something I desperately need to read. I have a dp problem in this arena.

Thanks Popple. Some fantastic advice. I'm unable to list the exact behaviours on here for fear of the thread being found. DH has already discovered a previous thread about MIL. I have to be careful not to be too precise as I still use MN and I don't want DH to ask me to stop as I really need the outlet it provides.
Without giving too many details, I would say the worst thing she has ever done other than force the marriage issue is to try and involve herself in our finances. We had an appointment with an advisor and she sabotaged the appointment by cancelling it on our behalf and booking another appointment on a completely different day with no mention to us until the bank called to confirm the change! She thought a different day would be better. Pretty outrageous. DH was with me at first until MIL said "you would have been fine for me to do that before SIL came along" at which point DH repeated her excuse to me in her defence. The different day was of no benefit to her whatsoever, I think she was just used to being in control of DH. I was very upset as it was the first time I'd taken on any reponsbility for our finances, I'd left it all to DH before this.
She's better now as in she doesn't interfere as much, but she treats me with contempt and bitterness for ever pulling her up on these things in the first place. She sees herself as perfect and I stuck a stake in her perfect little bubble. If I had behaved like her, I'd like to think I'd apologise and endeavour to keep things on track, but she has never apologised for anything she's done. Yet, I'm supposed to forget and let her carry on as normal it seems.

Meant to say 'before DIL came along...'

OneMore'it is narcissistic mil.wordpress.com

narcissisticmil.wordpress.com/2014/08/15/denial-and-the-cassandra-complex/comment-page-1/#comment-652

Fantastic blog! Everyone with MIL problems should read this. She may well save my marriage too....

Yet to read the grooming grandchildren threads but these are going to be particularly helpful.

These people never apologise - so dont give any headspace expecting this miracle. But equally someone who never apologises does not deserve forgiveness or compromise. Basically the ball is in her court as far as you are concerned - but dont ever expect it back over the net. Keep calm and carry on. You are right, normal, reasonable - their family are wrong, dysfunctional and irrational. Everyone (except themselves) can see that. If you are vulnerable emotionally you need to keep away from toxic people and situations for the benefit of your MH. Lovely expression I read on here which has helped me "Keep yourself out of punching distance" .... which is exactly the sensible thing that you have done - dont wobble keep yourself there.

You aren't sure that you can handle the guilt of knowing that it's because of you, op. But it isn't. It's because of her, her behaviour, which sounds outrageous to me, not you or yours.

I think I've accepted that I'm an emotionally vulnerable person so tolerance is not my greatest quality! DH struggles with empathy so I guess we clash as I probably require more emotional support than most people.

I guess it's whether he can accept that and whether he's willing to start learning empathy. I plan on staying with him, a decision that has taken me around 12 months to make on the basis of his lack of empathy, but I suppose it's about finding ways to keep myself sane and we'll supported. I don't want to end up like Cassandra!