Sitting in a hotel with Noone to turn to

[FrancisdeSales]

I am not in the UK. My DH and I have been having an ongoing issue with his mum. We lived outside this country for six years and came back almost a year ago.

We are married almost 20 years and in that time his mum has always been in crisis, lurching from one self-made disaster to another. She is divorced and spends every penny she ever gets being in constant financial crisis especially.

She emotionally relies on my husband and puts tremendous emotional pressure on him to rescue her.

I just discovered on Thursday night that he has changed the plans of our 20th wedding anniversary so he can fly her in to rescue her again and hand over a car worth thousands without discussing it with me.

I stayed at a hotel last night because I just needed head space. This is becoming a huge issue in our marriage. I have talked to him about it and am going to marriage counseling (alone) but I just don't know what to do. So frozen, depressed and just out of ideas. I have no family here and haven't made any new friends since we moved back. I have some great friends here that I made before but it feels so burdensome and negative to turn to them. Don't know what to do.

He truly doesn't he said "I was blaming other people for our problems" i.e. his mum but I was talking about HIM and what he does or doesn't do, he just doesn't get it.

One plus in all this pain is we are talking (rowing) about this more and I am being more direct and confrontational. I know we both want a long and happy marriage but he doesn't understand that how he is relating to me is making me so unhappy. He just becomes defensive and suddenly "doesn't have time".

At the moment he justifies everything and I feel he has the upper hand in the power dynamic because I don't work and am not financially independent.

In your shoes I;d be doing some internet research, i love the internet!

I've no idea if these sites are any good but ...
www.dummies.com/how-to/content/codependency-for-dummies-cheat-sheet.html

Sorry if this is all too easy...

www.livingfree.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=541:codependent-relationships-and-how-to-help&catid=72:ministry-to-codependents&Itemid=190

www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Codependent-Family-Member

www.whatiscodependency.com/codependents-breaking-up-breakups/

His first responsbility now is to you and your kids, not to his mum. BUT he obviously feels a strong sense of responsibility for his mum! I think you both need some help to work out how he can both fulfill the 'good son' and be the husband you need and a father to his kids and have that long and happy marriage. He needs to see he is placing his mum between you and him, i;s not fair.

Good luck.

The only thing helping me (other than talking to people and MN) is exercise but I am finding it very hard to get to the gym because this stuff is getting to me. After I exercise I am a new person.

I do not mind helping his mum it is the fact that he makes decisions alone as if he is not married when it comes to her. She is also very volatile emotionally and has screamed at me in the past.

When his mum is around us she treats him like her husband, it's disturbing.

I need more of my own life so I care less about their crazy

Go to the stately homes thread and read some of the links on the first page. You might find them interesting.

It is common for narc mothers to put their sons in the husband role. But I can't remember the actual term.

Anyway, the links might help your argument.

Thank you Aussiebean I have been on those threads in the past and I have read about PDs. I think MIL is more Borderline or better newer name Emotional Instability Disorder. I don't think arguing from this point if view will help at all unfortunately, if anything I can see it being projected onto me. I prefer to not involve MIL as she loves to be involved in drama. I want to focus on DH and his own reactions and how damaging that is to our marriage.

The row we had was so weird, it's like he doesn't hear me and we end up talking all around and in a way that is so confusing. I am trying to be direct and specific but somehow it is hard to stay on topic.

MIL is obsessed with DH. She would move in with us yesterday if she could.

I feel so down and depressed, I don't know what I can do. I wish I could leave and go back to Europe but my children are too young.

If he doesn't have time NOW to work on your relationship and marriage - then he never will.

he just doesn't get it He DOES get it- he just prefers to act dumb and be as obstructive as possible to try and bully you into silence. He doesn't want to confront his dysfunctional relationship with his mum. And you can't force him to.

You can choose whether to stay with him knowing this is what your future will be like with him. Prepare yourself for in the inevitable 'she's moving in with us cos she's ill/old/dying/i'm a bad son if i don't'.

i'd hold off on getting financially entangled further until he can show that he's taking you and your family seriously. I think right now you need to make sure your personal finances are secure. You didn't move here intending on walking in his shadow, you can still go ahead with your plans for the future and make a life for yourself and your dc.

If he can't be a family man then quite frankly he doesn't deserve the family he has.

OP, it all sounds horrible.

Can I ask if your MIL is from a culture where a very obedient son who looks after his mum without question is considered to be the norm?

Don't waste time putting labels on things. It just delays the inevitable.

He doesn't think there is a problem. Neither does his DM. They don't think like you, which is a normal way if thinking. Her way sounds entitled and your dh is enabling. Why does he seek her approval? And what do you mean she treats him like a dh?

You could continue councelling alone, to define your idea of normal ( or stay on here:)

Does his DM have a partner? That you both know of?:)