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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I right to be annoyed? Or should I mind my own business?

11 replies

Quootiepie · 16/01/2007 15:21

DH just called on the way home from work, he is popping into his mums as something needs doing... and she told him (finally) about her "friend". He will be there when DH is there. We knew for ages she was seeing someone/s and fibbing about it, but now its fact i'm not sure how I feel. Basically, her partner of 26 years (FIL) died very very recently. She took 3 months to order the headstone (not from grief, she was busy holidaying) and only did it in the end "to get grandma off our backs!". She has been taking days off and fibbing to DH about it, but I know she is home as I can see her online, also in various "utopia" and bisexual chatrooms. Fair enough, each to their own... but FIL has just died. She's already been caught with "the plasterer" (as she called him) after DH went round there and found the front door locked . I don't know whether i'm "right" to feel so utterly pissed off at her, or should be more relaxed about it. To make matters worse for DH alot of his inheritance (eg. cars, books, watches, clocks) are in the house and he doesn't want to take them all out... but MIL is very dim and is likely to give things away - she has already given one of DHs motorbikes away. I feel so bad for him, because he is stuck really about what to do and I guess it hurts him aswell that his mum can just have other men in the bed so soon.

OP posts:

oranges · 16/01/2007 15:24

I know she impacts on your life, but I don't think its up to you really, to judge her behaviour. I'm sure your dh us hurt too but I don't think he'd want you to criticise her about this.

Original poster

Quootiepie · 16/01/2007 15:26

I guess so - I can't help feeling though. I know it makes me sound very mean

OP posts:

oranges · 16/01/2007 15:29

You don't sound mean at all, but it just is not your business really. (does that sound harsh? Its not meant to, promise)

kimi · 16/01/2007 15:32

My FIL was bearly cold before MIL had a "friend" she arranged to move to the other end of the contery and her "friend" was going with her until he got cancer and she went without him as he was going to be a burden.

Juicylucytoo · 16/01/2007 15:47

Think I would probably feel the same as you, but it's really her business and no-one elses. This could be her way of dealing with it. Everyone's different.

As for inheritance stuff, your DH needs to help her secure her future / tie up his own. Not pleasant, but needs to be done.

Mumpbump · 16/01/2007 15:48

My grandfather took up with one of my grandmother's oldest friends shortly after my grandmother passed away. I think it's a reaction - a way to fill the gap - but unfortunately, they can be very unsensitive to other people's feelings. I remember it really upset all of my family at the time.

marymillington · 16/01/2007 15:57

My grandfather, who - lets say - always had a twinkle in his eye, wasted no time at all in marrying the "merry widow" from down the road a matter of months after his second wife died. My aunt, his D-I-L, was extremely unhappy about it and it has made a what was already a difficult relationship very strained, even 20 years later. My dad's view was that life is too short, especially when you are 76, to pass up any opportunity of happiness. So he was their best man. I would encourage your DH to put his feelings of hurt aside, if he possibly can.

If I were you I would keep the inheritance issues separate, but it sounds like they need to be discussed so your MIL knows how important they are to your DH.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/01/2007 16:04

You can feel annoyed about it if you wish to, but it isnt your business, and therefore a waste of energy.

If DH is worried about things that are 'special' to him that were his father's, he should ask now if he may have them. If they are things that belong to both, well, you will just have to trust her judgement on things. Anything he does get as an inheritance will be a bonus, afterall, wont it?

sandcastles · 17/01/2007 11:40

I think she should be able to go about her business without being judged by anyone.

My dad lost his wife (my step mum) 15 years ago & married her friend quite quickly. We all knew it was a rebound....for both of them, but we left them to it, because they had to grieve their own way. They have spilt up now, but they helped each other at a very difficult time.

Surely, some of these things aren't his inheritence until they are specifically 'left' to him. If they have been, then he should trust his mum, or remove it all from the house.

DetentionGrrrl · 17/01/2007 12:35

You don't sound mean, but it is still not your business. Everyone grieves differently- perhaps she is filling her time and energy as a distraction, perhaps she was unhappy in her marriage, perhaps she has seen how short life is and thought 'sod it!'....

NotQuiteCockney · 17/01/2007 14:04

One of my uncles remarried very soon after his wife's death, to her cousin! Her cousin had helped take care of my aunt while she was dying (cancer, slowish), and they'd all agreed that he would marry her after his wife died.

It worked for them.

Honestly, life is too short. If she's doing silly things, well, that's her call.

The inheritance is, as you say, separate. If she's a bit random and ditzy, surely she'd be giving things away, whether or not she was running around a bit ...

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