Should I trust my husband, has he/will he cheat?

[sansXsouci]

There are a few relationships my husband has had with female work colleagues that I have long been suspicious of. Colleague number one was a temp (16 years younger than him), when she first started he told me a new really good looking temp had started and was really turning the heads and getting lots of attention, 'fine ok' I thought until my husband show me a youtube video she made of her interviewing him (WTF?!) and she was very much a girl next door type rather than a head turner, I realised the only head being turned was his. He started hanging out with her lots, nights out etc., while being very disparaging about her to me. We don't live in London and he even 'unexpectedly' bumped into her in a pub on a night out in London, what are the chances? He insisted they were just friends, but I got pissed off with it and eventually he 'manufactured an argument' between them to 'please' me.

Collegue number 2. He told me a 'very attractive', 'highly intelligent' and 'curvy' woman (approx 10 years younger) had fallen madly in love with him, was in a open relationship, wanted sex with him, apparently asked 'your wife's cool isn't she?' (where would she get that idea - I'm not 'cool'?!). They had to steal a walk on an extended fag break and go to lunch to discuss it all. Husband claimed he wasn't attracted to her at all. Personally when people have come on to me since I have been married, I just tell them 'thanks but I am married', no lunches or walks required.

I have my husbands old phone and his old texts are still on it, when my suspicions were aroused again last week I read through some of the old texts and found this. Lots and lots of texting between him and colleague 1, nothing directly incriminating, but very flirty - they obviously fancied one another. Also on at least one occasion he met up with her only and told me he was going out with 'people from work'.

A while after a text from a friend refering to an in person conversation, the friend says 'don't beat yourself up about being tempted, I had a three year affair with someone from work' (nice!)

Then texts from my husband to his friend asking for words of encouragement about monogamy as he his going for lunch with colleague 2 who he has flirted with, to 'talk about it' and she gives him a 'total boner'. After the lunch he texted his friend to say he has 'high level sexual feelings' for her and doesn't want to hurt her, but won't do anything.

I've had it out with him, he's not giving away any more information than I already have. He says the texts with his friends are 'just locker room talk'. He's understandably annoyed that I read his texts and I think be basically feels he's don't nothing wrong as he hasn't actually has sex. I feel betrayed, but maybe I'm making a big fuss about nothing - I can't tell anymore?

Your husband has very poor boundaries where women are concerned. It's okay to notice a nice looking woman, but if my DH came home and started talking about a new head turner, my responses would make him wish he kept schtum,.because if I spoke of some hot guy like that, I'd get a very cold shoulder for a while.

There's a thin line to cross between an emotional affair and a physical affair, especially when distance between the two is not an issue.

Unfortunately his friend isn't really helpful because his morals are crap. In fact these kind of friends are the type to cover for their mates having affairs.

I suggest your DH and you read a book called 'not just friends' by Dr. Shirley Glass

Many affairs start as friendships and people spending so much time together and thinking they are star crossed lovers or solemates despite one or both of them being married.

Pseudo341 'He sounds like he has a massive ego and likes to think he could have anyone he wants, and then congratulates himself on taking the moral high ground and not actually acting on his urges, he just likes to know he could if he wanted to.' I think you have it in a nutshell, I asked him if he had been flirting with any other women, he replied - I don't think so - which obviously means yes. He's very big on the idea of monogamy and has said a number of times if either one of us was unfaithful the marriage would be over. He didn't cheat on the girlfriend he was with before me, quite a serious relationship, but he cheated all his other girlfriend, although that was in his late teens/early 20's.

Thank you for your comments SandyY2K and - I suggest your DH and you read a book called 'not just friends' by Dr. Shirley Glass - I will, I have already ordered it and am awaiting it's delivery.

Your husband is a womaniser and a bulls hitter

For me, what you already know would be a complete deal breaker

I have no respect at all for people who constantly look for the next encounter with the opposite sex when in what their unsuspecting partner thinks is a monogamous relationship

I would work on the assumption that the intent to cheat was there, maybe only circumstances stopped it from happening and that if you sweep all this under the carpet he will keep putting put those feelers until some poor woman falls for it

The first incident would have had me showing him the door tbh, he has zero respect for you-please don't accept this shitty behavior.

Psuedo Yes, I struggle with monogamy - used to struggle and cheat, now I'm honest about my non-monogamous nature and potential partners can either accept it or walk away.

As I posted, my personal experience is that most people cheat. My personal experience is that more men cheat than women.

OP What's striking about your husband is that he appears to be delighting in telling you all about these attractive "head turners" who apparently can't resist him. Why would he do that? Does he often say things that leave you feeling off-balance or insecure?

Pocketsavior he works in a mainly female office and often tells me if a colleague good looking, I don't know why he does this, I used to work in a predominantly male proffesion and it never occurred to me to tell him if someone I was working with good looking, it didn't seem relevant. I've asked him why he does it, he doesn't know but he'll stop, he says.

Anyfucker, to be fair I do know for sure he ended things with both the women I know and colleague 1 texted him a number of times after their arguement asking him to go for drinks etc. That doesn't mean I'm sure he hasn't cheated on me at all.

Also re infidelity in general, I have no idea how common it is, but I do think it probably more often than not it goes undetected and many live their lives in blissful ignorance.

But you are not in blissful ignorance. In fact, he is rubbing it in your face.

Also re infidelity in general, many live their lives in blissful ignorance.

Or, think about it the other way, many peopole live their lives getting lied to day in and day out. Lied, right to their face, every minute, every hour, everyday. Is that really blissful? i wouldnt call it that.

It doesn't surprise me that your husband has been displaying selfish behaviour for a very long time. I'm surprised some people think he hasn't yet cheated. He's had at least one date that you know of with each of these women and the chances are they were alone together somewhere , not sat in a crowded bar. There is nothing to suggest he hasn't cheated and plenty to suggest he has.

It's also clear his friend is a cheater and is supportive of affairs. Most cheaters have cheater friends. It's highly likely this friend has provided alibis and cheating advice. Cheaters do not identify themselves although they can be identified by the company they keep. At least two women and a friend who probably know him quite well think he's a cheater. I'm sorry to say I think your dealing with a serial cheater.

I also agree with pocketsaviour. My personal experience is also that most people cheat.

There is no trust there, what's to save, he delights in humiliating you and making your relationship a laughing stock, do you really not see this?

One of the problems is that your DH thinks it's only an affair if they have sex. He needs educating on emotional affairs and inappropriate behaviour with women.

It's clear he developed deeper feelings for one of the women to the point he told his friend about it. Now I know some couples who tell their spouse if this happens and they discuss it to ensure it doesn't go any further. I can't imagine doing it myself.

If I knew my DH had developed feelings for another woman, it would make me feel his love for me had gone down and it would make me less committed to the marriage TBH.

I'm very much for giving people a dose of their own medicine when they behave like this. So if I'm being told of littke miss. head spinner,.I'll tell you about Mr. Super muscle man who everyone is looking at.

See how well that goes down. Usually those who dish out these comments are terrible when the tables are reversed.

Is he one of these men who does everything except PIV sex then wants a medal because he's been " faithful " ?

and tells you about all these gorgeous women who want to shag him and thinks that you should feel honoured that he chose you ?

I do know for sure he ended things with both the women

There shouldn't have been anything to end! I wonder if he's deliberately telling you about these women so that you won't suspect he's doing more than he claims, sort of hiding in plain sight if you see what I mean.

bold fail!

It is disrespectful and rude in the extreme to tell your wife that another woman is good looking. There's just no need! It's mean.

He started hanging out with her lots, nights out etc., while being very disparaging about her to me. We don't live in London and he even 'unexpectedly' bumped into her in a pub on a night out in London, what are the chances? He insisted they were just friends, but I got pissed off with it and eventually he 'manufactured an argument' between them to 'please' me

Lots and lots of texting between him and colleague 1, nothing directly incriminating, but very flirty - they obviously fancied one another. Also on at least one occasion he met up with her only and told me he was going out with 'people from work.

He's understandably annoyed that I read his texts and I think be basically feels he's don't nothing wrong as he hasn't actually has sex.

You don't know that he hasn't had sex. He's a proven liar. He's lied about going out with people from work and he's lied about bumping into her. He has openly dated her and clearly engineered bumping into her. You now know you were correct being pissed off about it. It was no innocent friendship.

Did he come home after his night out in London ?

He sounds needy as fuck for attention.

I have never in my 36 years on this planet ever struggled to not cheat. I've never found it difficult to not stick my penis into another woman. I have also never ever found it difficult to not have an emotional affair with another person. Maybe I'm weird.
seeyou - maybe you are. Maybe you just haven't yet met anyone who rocks your world.

When you fancied these other men op, did you sit across the dinner table and mention how gorgeous they were with their tight pecs and rippling stomachs, how much they fancied you back and flirted with you?

Creepy text messages and behaviour aside, what level of respect in a marriage does someone have to initially come home and give personal details about young women's bodies?

He sounds like he's on a mission to make you feel jealous and unsettled. Is he massively insecure?