Hi there,
This is going to be quite a long post. I’ve never shared on a forum like this before but could really do with some impartial advice from strangers. Basically, my question is, as an expat living in the USA, should I feel bad about leaving for my planned break in the UK two weeks earlier than I was intending to leave because I can no longer tolerate my husband’s behavior? Here’s the dilemma. My husband had a benign brain tumour in January. He has his first three-month scan a couple of week ago and they said it is clear but they want to be sure a tiny area is just postoperative healing. Another scan is booked for the start of July. Am I a terrible person for thinking of going anywhere right now? I was always planning on a break to see my mother and speak at a conference for July and August and my husband told me he is absolutely fine with this and has been for the past 2 months. Because of his behaviour, I am now thinking of coming two weeks earlier than planned (2nd week of June). I am wondering if this is the right thing to do.
I want to give a bit of detail that will help to explain my personal situation. In August of last year my husband and I emigrated to the USA. It was for his work (he’s an American). We have no children (sorry if that means I shouldn't be on here-I just wanted to speak to someone). When we arrived here I felt he was very unsupportive and didn’t help me settle in. I found out he’d spent lots of money on some collectible cards when I was working hard trying to sell things online because I felt it was unfair for me to live out of what would be the money that we put in savings every month. I am educated to PhD level but struggled to pick up anything other than part-time lecturing positions (a job’s a job, I’m not complaining) when we first arrived. I was very concerned I’d never work again due to legal issues (my qualifications have to be internationally evaluated which takes time) and because quite honestly in the small place we live the three universities hiring aren’t, well, hiring. I have a couple of part-time professor contracts coming up in September and worked another couple back late last year and early this year. I’m not telling you this for any particular reason, just for context. I cannot share what my husband does but he is in a good, well-paid professional job.
Along with my general anxieties about leaving the UK forever, and my career questions, I have found being away from my mother unbearable. We are best friends and I sometimes just find it so hard. As you can imagine, I often feel very alone and isolated and the women I’m expected to be friends with her are…well…I don’t really know how to phrase it, all a little bit ‘as long as your man’s happy’ in their attitudes. My husband’s behaviour towards me from the beginning was, in my opinion, unempathetic. For the first 8 weeks we were living in an isolated place in a hotel. I felt he didn’t really understand that me leaving behind my mother, my career, and generally my whole life in the UK for good was a huge thing for me. There were nights when I couldn’t sleep because I felt so upset and homesick but he would roll over and tell me he was sick of dealing with it. This was odd to me as in the UK he was a very wonderful husband. There were fights and arguments but it was as if he felt he didn’t have to put on a show anymore as he knew I had no-one who cared around anymore. I was really disappointed by this and felt shocked and surprised. Then we moved on to our next port-of-call as it were. There, his behaviour worsened. He would have full-blown shouting sessions at me often in places like the car where people couldn’t hear him and these moods could be triggered at the drop of a pin.
I began feeling scared to say anything and felt very isolated. I started to network a little and make new friends. I got a couple of part-time lecturing contracts and began to feel happier. He was working away a lot at that time and I began to get used to functioning by myself. I saw a doctor and a psychologist and they both suggested I am in relationship which is in some ways abusive. They told me husband seemed to enjoy the idea that I’m the ‘crazy woman’ and wants a reaction. They told me to stop shouting back at him and crying and to see what would happen: they said his behavior would probably notably worsen as it was he who was angry and would be annoyed that I was no longer ‘playing ball’ and giving him an excuse to shout. They were right. When I stopped reacting, his behavior got worse. It was almost like he’d say things to make me react and it was difficult not to, but I stuck to it. One particular example was when I suggested some friends of ours didn’t seem to want to meet us one evening. I thought it might be because they felt an allegiance to an ex-girlfriend of my husband’s, which I didn’t feel was necessarily unfair on their part. This triggered a full-blown 3 hour long argument. He shouted non-stop in the car for two hours, parked off and jumped out of it, and ran around in the street. In his defence, I have done similar things in the past, but not for a good couple of years. I realised that sort of behavior was not acceptable and not a way to solve things, but he continues to use my past behavior against me, almost as if it is his turn to act ‘crazy’ now. I finally got him to calm down and we headed to a restaurant and had a nice meal. Ten minutes into the car ride home he told me he was buying a truck. I told him we’d talked about it and that we’d agreed now wasn’t the right time. This triggered the second huge shouting tirade from him. This sort of thing would happen at least 4 times a week. His behavior to me continued to worsen and he would pick fights and yell at me all the time. My landlord and landlady told me she was thinking of asking him to leave the house as all she ever heard him do was shout at me. So, in other words, it has been bad for a while. He often says he gets angry because I ‘never listen’ to him.
In January this year, shockingly, my husband was diagnosed with a benign brain tumour. He had emergency surgery and we didn’t know if it would be the c word or not. It was the worst time of my life. I would say it was the worst time of his, but he seemed to handle it very well. I was so proud of him. He seemed to hold it together more than I did, but he made me feel guilty for being exceedingly worried and crying etc. I understand that this was just because he was trying to hold it together, but it made me feel like a coward. He and I got through it-my mother came out to visit, his mother came up but left after two days because she wasn’t the centre of attention, which I thought was beyond callous. His stepfather and father have been very supportive and were there throughout. Two days before his surgery, at the stage when we didn’t know if it was benign, he told me he was angry he’d wasted the last two and a half years of his life with me ‘making him miserable’. This made me feel awful. What he’s referring to is the fact that back in London I was always living on the edge between jobs and not knowing if another contract would come in. It made me miserable at times but I do not remember myself as the woman he paints a picture of me as: I feel I was a happy, healthy woman with joy and hopes in my life. About a month after the surgery, he told me that I only stepped up to the plate for him when he was ill because it gave me a sense of purpose and that I enjoyed it. I can honestly say I can’t even understand how he thinks I ‘enjoyed’ something like that. It was awful. We are only young (early 30s) and I am/was terrified. I also felt it was unfair because I feel that after I’d had my panic I was resolutely strong. Even his family remarked on how calm and supportive I was. I wanted to crumble but I didn’t.
Anyway, after the surgery, we moved state again (his job means we move around). This time, we moved into our own home. It was the home he lived in with his ex-wife previously and if I’m honest I’m not a fan. Again, not really relevant but just context. He recovered very quickly and again I’m proud of him. He went back to work after a month and has been incredible. I told myself his personality change last year was linked to the tumour. But his behavior is bad again. The day we moved into our new house he launched a long shouting session at me because I’d said I thought we were selling the set of pans his mother gave us as we already had a set. He told me I couldn’t play a CD in the car and just makes me cry a lot. I booked us in for marriage counselling and him an individual counsellor. I feel I give accurate representations to the counsellor but that he does not. I have tried to make excuses for my husband. I tell myself he’s scared about having to change job role if there’s any side-effects from the tumour (there aren’t but his employer is specialist so any problem and you’re switched about). I tell myself it’s because he’s still afraid and feeling alone and getting over everything. I have tried to be supportive. But honestly I don’t know if it is that. He tells me it’s just because I never listen and it’s all my fault. He ignores me every night and watches videos and continues to spend money on collectible cards. have been struggling to make ends meet freelance writing and feel what he spends I can’t, so I have to earn my own way. He just tells me to put it on the card but if I did that and he carries on buying these card things then we won’t put much into savings each month. One of the more humiliating incidents was three weeks ago. I needed my b12 vitamin jab (I have pernicious anaemia so I take it every 3 months) and he was angry because I said there was no need for an alcohol swab and I felt so rough I would rather just have the jab then wait another day. He was so mad that I 'disobeyed' him that he came at me with the needle in a threatening manner, saying 'come on then, I'll give it to you!'.
I digress again. The point is 2 weeks ago he had a three month scan and they said it looked clear but they wanted to do another in 6 months just to be certain. This scared me and I didn’t like how the surgeon worded it-he seemed a little concerned over an area. My husband’s behavior hasn’t got better and my mother and his own father have told me he treats me badly. For my part I haven’t been easy to live with. I find it hard to settle here, have serious career concerns and find being away from my mother difficult. I am sick of being talked down to and being ignored and am considering moving my 2 month break to the UK forward by two weeks. The problem is, what sort of person am I that I would even think of leaving someone who could be ill again? We aren't expecting any bad results, but I feel like I shouldn't even be thinking of spending more time away. Am I wrong? Am I a terrible woman? I sometimes feel I am just running scared as I can no longer take the stress of everything. I found out today I didn’t get a great job I interviewed for and it was kind of the final straw. I realized I wanted it because it meant getting away from being treated badly. I need some advice and please just tell me what you think and not what you think I want to hear. I'm also aware people don't have time to be writing lengthy posts back like my own. Sorry it was so long and thank you in advance for any replies given.
Thank you.