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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help I've completely lost sight of what's normal.

17 replies

poppingout · 26/05/2016 12:28

I could really do with some input please. I'm pregnant so more emotional than usual but I'm really upset about this.

We have a iPad that DS and I use which had been running slowly for about 8 months. It's so slow now it's pretty much unusable, has been for months. I've tried to fix it, I've asked on here, spend ages on google trying to find a solution, deleted apps etc but nothing's helped.

I asked DH to take a look several times, he's basically ignored me. He's not bothered as he has his own working laptop so it doesn't effect him.

DS and I are doing a long train journey soon and I want to take some entertainment for DS. I asked DH to drop the iPad off at a shop to see if they can sort it. DH got shitty and asks then tell me there's no point taking it in as he can properly fix it.

I'm so upset that he could have helped all this time but couldn't be bothered. He's watched me stress and spend hours trying to fix it and never once offered to help.

I've essentially just had my phone for Internet access which is fine but I need a bigger screen sometimes for booking tickets, or the school application etc.

I've loads more examples of this kind of behaviour. Is this normal in a marriage?

I should add he has form for being an abusive twat in the past. He had two years of specialist therapy and I thought we had moved on but I'm now thinking he's continuing the behaviour just in a different way.

OP posts:
Givepeasachance · 26/05/2016 12:33

I'm sure it's not the iPad that's upsetting you but is an easily identifiable thing.

What else is going on?

Was the abuse to you?

He might have help, but did you?

monkeywithacowface · 26/05/2016 12:40

Sounds like the iPad is just the tip of the iceberg. What I will say though is that you need to find a way to be less reliant on him so he can't do things like this. In your position I would have just taken the iPad to be sorted once it became clear he was going to do it. Just curious as to why you couldn't have got it fixed yourself? That's not a dig just trying fully understand

tipsytrifle · 26/05/2016 12:41

I'm sure that you are correct in thinling he is continuing his abusive behaviour but dressing it up as "can't be bothered". Not being arsed to do what could/should be done is very common, of course. He thinks he'll get away with it as being a social norm (therefore acceptable behaviour). Even if this was true, in his case you know better. He had specialist therapy. You have specialist knowledge and experience. He watched you stress and struggle and enjoyed every minute of it, I expect. Plenty more examples too, you say?

Abusive twat is testing his power in ways to deliberately confuse you and which can be denied as "everyone's like this, stop your nagging"

Grrrr ....

tipsytrifle · 26/05/2016 12:48

When abusive people say they can/will do something then don't, it leaves the other person in a trap. If they take independent action the fall-out can be spectacular. Independent action itself becomes, over time, difficult due to the wearing-down factor.

My XP didn't re-seal the bath for a year after it was necessary. When the kitchen ceiling below fell in, due to the drip drip drip effect, I lived with the massive hole until leaving, 3 years later. That was just one of many incidents. Taking independent action in an abusive relationship isn't as easy as "just get x y or z fixed"

hellsbellsmelons · 26/05/2016 12:52

He had two years of specialist therapy
Unfortunately abusers often learn from these session, how to be subtle with their abuse and learn to abuse in different ways.

So what now for you?
You know he's an abuser and still is.
Do you know what your next steps are?

Original poster
poppingout · 26/05/2016 12:57

I can't afford to get it fixed unfortunately or I would have taken it in myself. DH earns 6 times my salary.
We don't have joint back accounts and pay a percentage of bills each. On the surface he appears generous but actually has a huge amount of disposable income and savings which he keeps to himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
poppingout · 26/05/2016 12:59

I'm not sure what to do. I'm 6 months pregnant with DC2 and feeling very trapped.

OP posts:
IcedCoffeeToGo · 26/05/2016 13:04

without addressing the behaviour have you tried a hard reset?

This entails switching it off holding the home key until it asks you to connect to iTunes. Then you can do a whole factory settings reset. I did this with our iPad 2, it's like new.

IcedCoffeeToGo · 26/05/2016 13:05

He out earns you six times and you split bills??? No joint money.

Change this and then leave. Gather all info about him financially and record what he's like, change all your passwords for everything. Start protecting yourself.

IcedCoffeeToGo · 26/05/2016 13:06

Divorce will give you half of the savings.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 26/05/2016 13:09

Putting aside the past abuse for a second popping I would just alert you to a possibility: is he experiencing undue stress, anxiety or depression at the moment? All of these things could explain his ignoring the issue, refusing to acknowledge it and finally his anger or annoyance at realising he would now have to do it.

Now reintroducing the past abuse, certainly this is something you're right to be wary of. Other posters are giving good advice. Just from my point of view you'd be wise to look out for other signs of depression which may present themselves.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 26/05/2016 13:10

Okay, lots of stuff has happened since I started writing my post. Not so relevant now.

SandyY2K · 26/05/2016 13:38

He clearly sees his money as his own and as long as things don't affect him he's fine. That's very selfish and inconsiderate to say the least.

His actions don't come across as that of a loving husband or father IMO, especially while you're pregnant.

He knows your DS uses the iPad and you've raised this issue before. It sounds or comes across like you're a little scared of him.

Are you able to communicate to him how this whole incident made you feel?

Sometimes I ask my DH to do techy things for me and although he's great at it, he doesn't prioritise it.

He can be lazy when it comes to doing these kinds of things for others and our teen kids have noticed it too. He says "l'll do it" and weeks later it's still not done. It gets to the point they end up saying they can't do homework because of laptop issues; then he finally gets to it. It's exceedingly frustrating for them and I.

I have to appear like a damsel in distress to get it done and sometimes if I want it done really quickly I resort to using my feminine charm (if you know what I mean) Then he does it very quickly.

SpringTown46 · 26/05/2016 13:46

You should both have equal amounts of disposable income after bills and agreed commitments are accounted for, money coming in is family money! So what % are you paying?

Jan45 · 26/05/2016 14:05

He's abusing you both emotionally and financially so no not normal in the least, even if just living together - you need to start divorce proceedings OP, I don't see what other choice you have, go home to mum if you can.

smilingeyes11 · 26/05/2016 15:46

He is still abusive isn't he, financially for sure and I would say emotionally also. So what are you going to do to extricate yourself from this person? You and your DC deserve so much better than him.

Atenco · 26/05/2016 16:01

Sounds like divorce will leave a lot better off financially, OP.

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