Marriage Woes

[Mums4wine]

DH and I have been together 10 yrs, married 6 years. It’s never been perfect but then, is any marriage. We both came with baggage and were used to living alone and I put our many arguments down to that. We have two DS, one each from previous relationships. My ds lives with us and we also have a dd who is just four (& smart as a button).

Six years later the arguing is often and I am tired of him swearing at me in front of the kids etc etc. He says I withhold sex and it’s making him unhappy. I say he’s so horrible to me why would I want intimacy. We are stuck in a loop.

Had another big argument last night re his mum who is unwell with what is currently a mystery illness.. She lives 3 hrs away and DH rarely goes to see her. He said it was my fault he’d not been to visit her for so long. He wanted to go sat night, home on Sunday, I reminded him I have plans but that we’d happily all go on Sunday, home Monday. Flew off the handle, shouting, slamming doors saying I was being insensitive socialising – even though his mum’s been unwell for 2 wks and he was out on a lads night last wk end !? He then said he had thought about it and that he needs to spend time with him mum so he will go alone.

But an hr later, still in a rage he decides he will take DS for the wk end. I said I’d rather he didn’t, as he wanted to concentrate on his mum & given his current state of mind. He then said I was a monster etc etc for not allowing ds to go. I simply said I wouldn’t discuss it anymore until he was calmer and left. He couldn't give a valid reason why we couldn't all go on the Sunday and i feel he's just creating the arguments.

Last night aside my concern is I feel zoned out now, years ago I would have been so upset but I just feel I’ve already checked out. No idea how or if we can ever reconnect this marriage Sometimes DH tells me how much our marriage means to him, he’d be lost with me & family etc.. but other times I feel he’s actually pushing me to end it all.

Any advice on how to move on?

unwell with what is currently a mystery illness..

Describing it as a mystery illness and having the double full stop rather than describing her as undiagnosed implies that you are somewhat sceptical. If that is the case it's probably not making matters any better in this situation.

Sounds like you need to communicate more, try to stop blaming each other for faults in the marriage and try to work out how you're both going to work towards solving them.

Good luck

Harlmess - gosh, i didn't realise it read that way. I am not in the slightest skeptical. I described it as mystery because she's had a number of tests already with no diagnosis but i have no doubt she is unwell. I have never held DH back from visiting and it was myself who suggested we make more of an effort before she got unwell.

I am really struggling with how to actually go about communicating effectively again, it feels like every attempt ends up in mud slinging and shouting.

What a horrible atmosphere for your poor kids listening to you two arguing all the time, have you thought about them here, I really think you need to tell him that you either both go to counselling or it's over, this is so damaging for them.

Our arguments are generally away from the kids but yes he does occasionally call me names in front of the kids. Something has to change, perhaps counselling is worth a shot, I've suggested it in the past but he's poo-pooed it. I don't think he gets the gravity of it... I will have to try talk to him calmly about the future I guess.

I'd not wait OP, this will be damaging your children and you will regret it, my sister certainly does and her son has all kinds of issues now, he's a nervous wreck.

Tough if he poo poos it, this is for your son, not him!

And I'd love to meet any woman who wants to have sex with a man who calls her horrible names, he has no respect.

I once bought a book called 'should I stay or should I go' and the first question it asked was "how good was your marriage at its best?", because even if it improves it's very unlikely to get any better than that. Sounds like it's never been that good. Is there anything worth saving?

Doesn't sound hopeful.

It doesn't sound like you actually want to remain with him-fair enough.
If that's the case separation would be best. If you do want to be with him if things improve and he's serious about it too you could try counselling together with someone BACP accredited. Or you could go alone.

When you say shouting and name calling, is this both of you, or mainly him? Is he verbally abusive? Thinks he's entitled to sex?

With respect to his mum, wonder if he's taking his own guilt out on you? it's unfair of him to blame you for not having spent time with her before this illness - it's often deemed by sexist men to be "wifework" to manage family relationships, but it's his family and was down to him.

What does your older DC think of their stepfather and the situation?

At it's best we were a happy family unit.. but those days seem so few & far gone now.

I am no saint, and I am sure I am difficult to live with also. And yes I have degenerated into name calling also in the past, when it's just the two of us, but now I just zone out.

The scenario with his mum is just the most recent example. I find any difficult life situations are made worse by him stressing and creating a bigger argument. I already told him that he is transferring blame to me unfairly, he could use his own gumption any day he likes to go visit, it's not down to me.

I am not sure I want to stay. We have friends visiting tonight, which is far from ideal and I'm sure it will be a case of sweeping it under the carpet for a few hrs.

He actually told me last night in his rant that when he thinks of our relationship that it makes him feel sick. That was a blow. He thinks sex is the key to everything. But even though he said this, i know he will pretend it's all ok.........

Some grown up conversations need to be had. He will make me feel like it's me who has to change - I will need to think deeply also about myself and what/how I could change.

How were you as a couple (rather than a family with DC) though?

Do you actually WANT to change? Are his criticisms of you fair? Would your friends and family recognise them?