When new BF sees DCs every weekend

[funnychops]

So I'm a bit stumped on a solution to this. Or even if there is one.

My DCs see their DF every other weekend.

I've started seeing this lovely guy.

He has DCs every weekend.

So far we've had daytime dates, which have been lovely, we are both keen on each other.

However we are now at the stage where we'd like to have an evening in with him, which ideally would last until the next day.

The problem is how do we get around this dilemma, I don't want to put pressure for him to give up contact time, kids need time with their dad's.

One good thing is we are both self-employed and work from home and live 10 mins drive from each other, so day time dates are easy to arrange.

Anyone else in this situation? And how do you work it?

Thanks funnychops.

Personally I have to arrange childcare six weeks in advance to have a hope of getting out the door alone and I would never ask their Dad because he's a complete nightmare, would probably only bother turning up after "a few beers eight pints" and would drop them off super early the next morning because "I have an important business meeting Nicki, SOMEONE has to earn the money!"

It sucks.

YY Nicki I get that too - did in the marriage, still continues....a well-worn rhino skin overcoat is what is needed for those times.

FunnyChops - Ah well, in that case, you need to speak to DP and see what he suggests. It's up to you both to compromise on this.

"My dear"

How old are your DCs?

I had a similar issue, our workaround was my BF coming over after my DS was in bed and leaving before he woke up, so 8pm to 6am.

How old are your DC?

I wouldn't get a nighttime babysitter on a school night FWIW, sounds like too much of a logistical nightmare.

But if he has his children for some nights during the week as well as every weekend then it sounds as if the access is more of a 70/30 in his favour? What's his relationship like with his ex?

I might be inclined to suggest that perhaps you arrange a night out for a Friday night and see if he can get the kids to stay with their mum until the Saturday lunchtime?

It always feels like an emotive situation trying to arrange a night out together which means one or the other needs to arrange additional childcare because it feels as if you're asking or being asked to put the kids second. But actually, you would presumably do this if it was a night out with a friend/with work colleagues etc so this is no different.

The only issue here really is that you're going to have to be creative until such times as you introduce the children to each other.

The only thing I would say is, if you haven't yet slept together, I might be inclined to, ahem, cover that one before you have the night together, so that the night isn't covered in expectation iyswim. Then you can just concentrate on being together and waking up together, and the rest won't have any added expectations attached...

I noticed that too civil but couldn't be sure it was addressed to me. Hope it was. I haven't been called "my dear" in that way since boarding school. I read it in exactly the same disapproving tone my head teacher used as well

thanks Redhen , you are right and I did spell out my concerns to BF, he totally sees where I'm coming from wants the same too, and he's in quandary for a solution to, but he assures me he will see what he can do. I'll wait to see what he suggests.

purplefox I did consider that...but feel a bit at that when kids are in the next room, and would worry all night if they came in to find a strange man (to them at least!) in my bed. They are 9 and 11.

You sound like me and my DP op.

How old are the children? Ours are 11 and 9. DS goes every other weekend to his dad and my DP has his DC every weekend. I think the age is important if they understand what's going on.

We kept to afternoons and occasions of free evenings but it was very spontaneous.

After 6 months the only way to move on was to meet the kids.

At first we just did friends popping round. Dropping names into conversation etc

We didn't feel it fair to have a "stranger" come in overnight after bed time. It just wasn't something we were comfortable with.

So first night at mine, DP came to fix some things and stayed for dinner and a bit after. (Bit of time )

Then I went on a Saturday for a drink to his, just before bed time. Said hello to his DC and stayed till 2am.

It happened gradually after that, but often more at my place once in the week.

DP asks his DC if they mind him having a Friday night off to have some grown up time occasionally. He's still back in the morning on Sat for her. His ex seems quite flexible as she's always asking for weekend time with her DC so it works ok.

Then there are weekends where she has activities etc so he'll come more often than not.

But it's a hit or miss life. On the positive side you really appreciate the stolen time together.

We are more open about things now and had a weekend away just the two of us. He feels more guilt I think because he misses her in the week, but has come to thinking that he also can have a life and not feel too bad about it.

Small steps

wannabe great advice thanks, I like that Friday night idea, that would work perfectly, and leave me with Saturday night for a night out with my friends! I don't know how it would pan out with the DC's and ExP though, worth asking I guess. Yes I did think that too - that actually he has them more like 70/30....fair play to him I say, but it does make things more difficult for 'us'. But hey - I'd rather see less of a decent guy, good dad, kind hearted and selfless, than seeing loads of a dad who shudders at the thought of extra time with his DC's and has loads of free time to see me.

God no at eleven and nine you absolutely can't have him come in after bedtime and sneak out in the morning. They are far more aware at that age. And I agree, having him in the next room to them would just feel wrong esp if they don't know he's there. No. Just no.

I'm inclined to agree with wallybantersjunkbox that the answer lies more in introducing them to him as a friend etc and building on that.

My DS actually met my DP fairly early into our relationship because my eXH forced the issue and gave me an ultimatum - either I tell DS I was seeing someone or he would. but things were made more complicated by the fact that DP lives three hours away so he was staying here for the weekend. However he came to stay as a friend, slept in the spare room etc and they got to know each other that way. DS was ten, and tbh he figured out fairly quickly that me and DP were together, even though we had no physical contact in front of him in the beginning.

At nine and eleven children are fairly astute, they will have friends who have step parents or whose parents have boyfriends and girlfriends, it's IMO not such a big deal to let them know that you are seeing someone at this stage, it's not the same as e.g. A five year old...

Does your ex have a partner?

Wally sounds like you two planned it perfectly, I loved the idea of him popping around to fix something . Ages of my DC's are same as yours (and so are his!), so I will take notes and follow your lead. Thank you so much, so nice to hear people working this tricky situation out successfully.

thanks wannabe I agree, they'd clock the situation straight away, far too astute.
Yes ex has a partner, and despite him only having them 2 nights out of 14, she is there at contact time (day and overnight) EVERY, SINGLE time, with her DD. I won't be that person. Quality time with one on one time betweeen DC and DF (and DM) is really important , imo.

Well, the fact that you have them the majority of the time means that it's very easy to balance out time with your BF and time without.

Although my DP has always been here at weekends DS has still had time with just me at weekends and during the holidays so on many levels the distance has worked. Although we're three years in now and would like to change that but distance and work etc are an issue, but DS is with me for the majority of the time now so we still have one-one time during the week and holidays and DP comes down at weekends.

Mind you he's 13.5 now so I'm aware that time with me is becoming less of a priority for DS. .

Actually he came to fix DS's train.

So they bonded straight away!

Then a few weeks later I asked him if he'd mind whether I went on a date with him. He said yes I was entitled to a life of my own.

Kids can sometimes be very levelheaded. And surprise you.

We do have to be quite discreet when he stays over, but then I guess most couples do when it's both their kids and they are trying to DTD at night. And DS does enjoy a night poo. So we always listen out for the door.

It's the other partners that threw up more hassle. My DP being jealous, racist and generally grievous against my DP via Whatsapp.

And my DP's ex questioning her DC on whether she saw us kissing etc.

We just don't react.

I've agreed to meet her though, as we've talked about the possible option of living together in the future. I think she wants my DP to overshare and it frustrates her when he doesn't. He's a bit of a closed book. He needs to tell her somethings though as I do spend time with his DC now. So we are working on that.

But it's not a perfect life! If you accept that you are at the whim of quite a few people that suddenly have a window on your world, and your time, and that things may change at the last minute, then you'll be more at peace as things progress.

It's hard. I was fed up of men putting pressure on me to get a bottle of wine and get a shag stay over in the early weeks. I would say, what about the children? They would look blank as if the thought hadn't occurred to them that I would be up early, sorting the dc out and doing the school run . I think it's great that your guy is taking things slowly.

As for exes, I have one who has little contact with the dc and if I put it anything like lookatme he would withdraw contact for a while as a punishment.

And for now OP.....

I dedicate this to you...

I actually enjoyed the "afternoon delight" a lot.

Ha ha Wally I'm grinning from ear to ear at the thought of a little afternoon delight, thank you for that, it has brightened up my day and thoughts on the matter.

Bert I think it was a different poster that you are referring to!

Unfortunately I cant see many options for you here! even if one of you did get an overnight babysitter for your DCs you would still be rushing off the next day to collect your DCs from the babysitter and therefore would be missing out on the luxary of waking up together, having breakfast, staying n bed all day etc...

Would you be willing to maybe ask your DCs grandparents or other family member to have your DCs for a whole weekend? You can make it a positive for your DCs that they would be able to see their grandparents and get spoilt (as grandparents do usually take on this role) and you get that time with your BF. I know you wouldn't want to miss a weekend with your DCs but it wouldn't be able to be a regular thing and just gives you that time to have that intimacy with your BF

Thanks 1ofthose I have a free weekend every other weekend it's BF that has his DCs every weekend. This is where the difficulty lies. I don't want to start putting any kind of pressure for him to not see his children as much. That is certainly not my place. He has said he will see what he can do. So I'll see what he comes up with. Think it's pretty clear this is not going to be a straightforward issue, I'm sure we are not the only couple who have this issue. We are lucky we are flexible with daytimes at least.

They are 9 and 11? Enrol them in Scouts now and make sure they are very keen to go on every camp and residential break.

Hi funnychops I have the same issue but worse! I am have my DC all of the time as DH died two years ago. BF has his DC every weekend and one night in week. He also has a crazy busy job. I'm completely neurotic about introducing anyone to DC (started a thread on this recently that I need to return to - so sorry anyone who took trouble to reply) due to my own mother's poor boundaries when I was young. I have about 4 hours childcare every two weeks when I'm not working and no local family. So I have reluctantly gone for purplefox's approach of sneaking him in and out the house. My DC are little so this is possible and they never ever leave their beds at night - they call out for me. I also lock my bedroom door. It's an imperfect solution but we live imperfect lives. Eldest DC is becoming aware of someone sometimes pottering about upstairs in the morning (he leaves about five mins after she wakes) and just asks if I had a friend over. I have a wide circle of friends who she knows she is very unbotheed by it.

As I say, it's far from perfect but DC have not been impacted at all. In fact the effect is positive - a bit of emotional support and hugs help me be a better patent.

I've been gently sounding eldest DC out on mummy having a boyfriend and she's really in favour of the idea as she is perfectly aware I miss her Daddy and must be lonely. As another poster said - children are often very level headed and want us to be happy. (For the record I only see BF about once a week). I'm thinking they could meet soon.

Not sure how useful that is - my DC are much smaller than yours so different circumstances but my point is to look at impact on DC not abitrary rules.

Like you I love that BF is a great Dad - an excellent indication of his overall character.

ggrobags
Thank you that is really helpful and what a dilemma you have but you seem to be managing it very well.
So sorry for your loss

I have my ds all the time. I have to arrange childcare, weekday, weekend etc.

I had a boyf hat had his hold every weekend, which does make dating tricky, but his ds went back on Sunday so Sunday nights worked well, or week day evenings.

Had his kids.