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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this FA?

20 replies

AwfulGuilt · 25/05/2016 19:47

Am I being petty? This might be long so as not to drip feed. Apologies if there's a lot of irrelevant info.

We are pretty poor. There's no getting away from that. We work bloody hard to get into a better financial position but it's a long way off.

We have separate accounts and a joint for bills. I don't really have anything coming out of my account but had never got round to having salary/tax credits paid into joint.

I ensure all the bills are paid. DH would have no idea what we pay/how much etc. I've tried to get him to be more involved/take responsibility but it falls to me. Even the "if I died you'd have no idea how to pay the rent" doesn't work.

Every month I pretty much put whole salary into joint account. Dh is self employed & business whilst taking off, doesn't bring in much & can vary grately month to month so he tells me what he can afford to pay himself & therefore what to put in. 9/10 it's less than me. That's ok, I have no issue there as he's only giving what he can & is working to grow his business.

Yesterday, we went shopping. I had £48 to get what we needed, including nappies so go around adding everything up in my head. We regularly make comment on what we have left, when I say I have nothing I literally mean £0.00 in my account. All fine. Dh fully aware of exact budget.

This morning he was checking something in his account & was confused so asked me to look at laptop. On checking this I could see the balance at the top. He has over £2,300 in his PERSONAL account!!!
I get that the business needs to have money for stock/bills etc but this was his personal account.
I live to the last penny & scrimp & save. I've had to buy bread & milk in 10p and 20p pieces

I didn't say anything & know I should have questioned him but I was so shocked and also embarrassed. He's now at work, works away for a few days at a time & I don't know how to speak to him about it. I've never been shy around money matters before because I thought we were on the same page.

Am I just naive? He def knows when I say I have nothing that I really mean it. If it wasn't much I wouldn't have thought anything but £2k!!
I feel quite betrayed.

OP posts:

Original poster

AwfulGuilt · 25/05/2016 19:48

Bloody hell that is long. Sorry!!

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 25/05/2016 19:55

That certainly sounds like financial abuse to me, sorry

Original poster

AwfulGuilt · 25/05/2016 19:58

Just realised my header should be FA. I'll get that changed.

Oh shit. I thought I was being over sensitive. Thanks for posting Spongebob

OP posts:

Iamdobby63 · 25/05/2016 20:04

So he has separate business accounts? The confusing part is that he didn't mind you seeing it, do you think he wanted you to see it? It does sound like FA I'm afraid.

You need to talk to him and as he can clearly afford it he can pay into the joint account.

goddessofsmallthings · 25/05/2016 20:11

Is the business registered as a limited company?

If not, it's possible that he's been running his business through his personal account but, in any event, I suggest you take a look at the accounts from time to time to ensure that he's not shortchanging you when it comes to what he claims to be able to afford to put into your joint account.

If he has got a spare couple of grand swashing around in his personal account that isn't needed for household expenses it would be preferable to transfer it to an ISA or similar www.moneysavingexpert.com/savings/best-cash-isa

Original poster

AwfulGuilt · 25/05/2016 20:20

It's not a limited company but he definitely has a separate business account.

If he's got a spare couple of grand my ds could be doing with new school shoes for a start
I don't want to sponge off him of fritter his money away but we have been really struggling. I want there to be an explanation but i just feel gutted & sad. I still really hope I'm over reacting

OP posts:

Iamdobby63 · 25/05/2016 20:27

You are married so there is no 'sponging' involved.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/05/2016 20:32

You feel betrayed because you have been.

I would say you are being financially abused here. This type of abuse is truly insidious in its onset. I would also think he is abusive to you in other ways as well; not all abuse has to be physical in nature.

I would consider talking to Womens Aid further.

Original poster

AwfulGuilt · 25/05/2016 20:37

I suppose legally that's true but I've never thought half of his IS mine whether he likes it or not. Until today I thought we were in this together.
If he was earning more I wouldn't want him to feel I would spend it willy nilly.
I just don't understand how he could see us scraping for our DC.
I'm just bewildered.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 25/05/2016 21:30

You have every right to feel fucking furious bewildered, but I suggest you wait to hear what he has to say for himself before you rush to judgement.

In any event, it seems that an overhaul of your finances with complete transparency on both sides (not that you have anything to hide) is urgently needed.

While you're waiting for the miser your dh to return home so that you can have the essential talk, I suggest you work out how much more than him you've contributed to the family pot while he's been hoarding money that would have made your life considerably easier than it has been.

Is it half term for your ds next week? If so, a couple of slap up days out and new shoes for the pair of you funded by monies you should have rightfully received months ago may be on the agenda.

Original poster

AwfulGuilt · 25/05/2016 22:04

Maybe next month I'll just as him to show me what he has, write down all outgoings so he can see & I can show him my account. then we're transparent?
We have a pretty good relationship otherwise. He's not nasty or anything. The more I think about it the more I think I must be over reacting.

OP posts:

SpotOfWeather · 25/05/2016 22:22

Review all outgoings and say that you need this and that (like food or some of the bills) to be paid by him, if possible. Because you really struggle to pay it all yourself. See what his reaction is like.

He might not like it but if he agrees to the new arrangement and sticks to it then you have a chance as a couple.

SpotOfWeather · 25/05/2016 22:24

I think that if you're being supersensible and downplay how much you're really struggling then it's very tempting for him to continue as things are. Do a review of outgoings and ask for a new arrangement.

Original poster

AwfulGuilt · 25/05/2016 22:33

spot you may have it there. I hate us to be miserable so whilst he knows when I have nothing left, I don't go on about it & thinking back I probably do down play. I'm a bit of a "I've only got £6 til X but I can do YZ for a couple of dinners"
Maybe he doesn't see the scrimping because he doesn't deal with it, financially or with inventive cooking.
I'll write it all out & can print statements off so he can see

OP posts:

Iamdobby63 · 25/05/2016 22:56

Yes do show him all the paperwork, but I dont know why you need to wait until next month, it comes across as if you feel bad for having to ask. This is a partnership that you are both in and it's not yours and his. He may have a good reason for his stash but the sooner you ask him the better as the resentment will grow in you.

tallwivglasses · 25/05/2016 23:33

I think you'll find things a lot clearer after you've sat him down and asked him to explain why he thinks it's okay for you to scrimp and end up with zilch while he has 2 grand in the bank. He may have a perfectly reasonable explanation

Original poster

AwfulGuilt · 25/05/2016 23:40

I do feel bad asking. Or I did. He tells me what he could pay himself so when I'm asking for that full amount or saying we need him to draw more to cover things it does make me feel bad. Doesn't make us need that money any less though. I've just always felt like I've added extra pressure at the end of the month. I've never been self employed so never had that burden. Then it appears he's not living the way I thought.

If I sound bitter I'm not. I don't begrudge him the money. But I'm literally living to the penny which means the kids are too.

I'll think tomorrow when I can be rationale

OP posts:

Iamdobby63 · 26/05/2016 00:18

You shouldn't feel bad asking, you are a partnership and it's all shared assets. I would aim for a calm talk with him, there maybe an explanation, perhaps being self employed he has that there as a buffer. Or on the other hand it is FA. You won't know unless you ask. You have every right to feel the way you do especially as he decides each month how much he can contribute and you are left juggling everything and sometimes doing without.

teaandcake789 · 26/05/2016 00:26

I don't think it's necessary financial abuse as he was happy for you to see. But I do think you need to be more transparent or at least more equal. Set up a joint account, have ALL household bills paid out of it (rent/mortgage, gas, electric, food etc) and make sure you both put the exact same amount into it. No excuses.

Oddsocksgalore · 26/05/2016 00:52

Op, you are not over reacting. You are just in shock at the moment and your instinct is to defend him.

In a couple of days when this has sunk in you will be pissed off and rightly so!

How can he watch you scrimping and saving, that's just cruel. Does he know that you paid for bread and milk with change? If he did I'd kick him in the balls now. Well I wouldn't.....

I'd send him to the shop and let him do the same, with 5's and 10's!

It feels like everyone in the shop knows.

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