I have really hurt someone and I don't know how to cope

[poisonandwine]

I broke up with a long term partner 6 months ago, for a number of reasons - I really wanted time alone, I knew it wasn't going to work long term and I had started developing feelings for someone else.

I gave my ex the first 2 reasons, but not the last one. The person I developed feelings for (a male friend) was also in a relationship. For that reason, I stopped contact with him to try and get him out of my system and move forward.

Fast forward to now, and he has left his relationship and we are tentatively and very recently dating. He feels like a (not "the" because I don't believe in the one) right one and I feel happy to be spending time with him. I am still keeping a lot of my own time.

My ex knows we are dating and has got incredibly angry at me, saying I betrayed his trust and he knew I had feelings for the man I am now dating. I think he has every right to feel this way and he is angry and lashing out. I guess I probably deserve to just take it. However, I am feeling firstly very guilty and also a bit angry at him for being aggressive (verbally) and for having it wrong - he is insinuating that I left him for the other man. I really didn't - I left for me.

Any words of advice? I know he has every right to feel however he feels, but he seems to have latched onto an idea that is not a reflection of what happened. We still are in contact and have many mutual friends - I would like to remain friends with him but I appreciate this probably won't be possible...

You've not done a thing wrong

squizita is bang on the nail.

Keep going with your CBT for sure, but (from what I know of it) while it will give you the tools to minimise the impact of your issues on your life, but it won't necessarily fix the underlying issues. Those may be worth looking at in another way. Something has programmed you to think 'someone is shouting at me, therefore I must have done something wrong'.

I always think CBT are essential baseline skills. Rather like scales are to a classical musician. They don't address the big stuff - but, to continue with the scales analogy, provide an essential structure.

If he was a long term partner it would be surprising if he didn't recognise your problems with maintaining boundaries.

I think therefore he's being cruel and manipulative in treating you this way. He knows how it's likely to affect you, and that you will blame yourself.

I agree with other posters that he won't be able to accept that you just left him. This will make him question himself (possibly) and not allow him to think you were tempted by somebody else.

Also agree disengage as much as possible. Block his contacts re mail and text. He's no longer your concern and you did nothing wrong.

Not wanting to give any false hope, I was in a similar situation with an ex (albeit with a shorter time gap between my two relationships and without the poly aspect) - although he was lovely he was obviously hurt and believed that I'd cheated on him, which resulted in a lot of friends taking his side. Five years later, we're brilliant friends again, he gets on really well with my DP and I'm looking forward to meeting his new GF. So it does happen

(my current DP is, however, the one after the one after the ex, if that makes sense - we kept our distance throughout the 4 years of that relationship and it's in the 18 months since that we've been able to get on with being friends again)

You haven't done anything wrong. In fact, you've done everything right: ended a relationship you know wasn't working any more, sought therapy, refrained from contact with man you fancied while you were recovering from your breakdown. Many, many people would not have been so strong! You can be proud of yourself.

Why are you still in contact with the ex, though?

Short of working with him, there is NO need for you to have any kind of contact with him. Is this another thing you think you "owe" him? You don't. He's hardly a safe person for you to be around right now, if he goes on aggressive rants about who you choose to date. Protect yourself and don't have anything to do with the guy.

We're still in contact (not regularly), because of events and local community stuff we are both involved in. I have taken a step back in some stuff, but I can't avoid altogether.

I don't necessarily want to be in contact or friends, but I don't want to be hated!

Just going to ignore him and focus on myself.

"I don't want to be hated!"

Some of the people will hate you some of the time. It's a fact of life.

So you can stop trying to avoid that happening -- despite your best efforts, some people will still hate you, sometimes. Like your ex right now. And that's ok. You just don't have to interact with him in any way, is all.

He doesn't hate you anyway. He hates the thought of what he thinks you've done. Which you haven't done!

so let him hate away if that's what he wants to do. It's his grief and disappointment projecting all over you - his stuff, basically. Not your stuff but his stuff. He can hate what he thinks you've done (which you haven't done..) but he can't splatter it all over you.

The thing is, he isn't you and you aren't him. You are two separate people. His stuff isn't your stuff. You may have been an item once - conjoined, in a sense - but you no longer are. He doesn't have the right or the premise to pour his sustained hatred over you. It's up to you to put up a wall between you. That is, refuse to let him do it.