Which life would you rather have?

[MClass]

Would you rather have a life of a really nice house (mortgage paid off), two happy dc (9 and 11), enough income that you don't have to work, everything provided for, dh in a good job, dh is good with dc and is with them all weekend and family and friends around i.e. a great lifestyle

BUT a marriage that doesn't work and gone years beyond getting anything back, only discuss the dc, do most things separately, separate bedrooms for 5 years, no affection and often tension??? Dh could be having an affair for all I know.

OR to leave dh, move to smaller houses, get a mortgage again (I don't work and don't know what I could do - no qualifications) and dc go between parents, lose his side of the family and my lifestyle and no one to look after dc, they then don't see their father daily?

Come off it, Distance.

If you want to leave all the assets you have built up together, do it for the children. They will have normalised the horrible/cold dynamic between you and their dad and it is very likely they will go on to repeat that dynamic in their adult relationships. You owe it to them to show them a healthy dynamic - and if that means leaving then so be it.

It's also likely you'll have much more energy to do things with them at the w/e. It's not good for them to see their dad as the fun, downtime parent and you as the weekly 'clean your teeth!' drudge.

I had this.

I stuck around. He left me for someone younger and more interesting to him.

I had to make a new life anyway and do you know, it's not smooth by any stretch but it's bloody great fun, the freedom incredible. I don't miss the nice house, the comfort that I clung to.

The house meant nothing once the shit hit the fan. The DC are happy and that lifestyle means nothing to me, or them, post divorce. It's people make a home.

Get your plan in place OP. Take the adventure and good luck.

I will go against the grain here and say I wish that I was still married. It was no great love affair but I truly believe with a bit of effort we could have improved things a lot.

I second what springy said - you might think the only justification for leaving would be your own happiness, but the example you set of what is the norm relationship wise is the one your children will come to accept. If this was them coming to you 20 odd years down the line would you be happy with that life for them?

No one ever thinks they will manage as a single parent - I stayed with ds' dad a lot longer than I should have done because I was convinced I wouldn't be able to afford it/cope on my own.

The reality is that although parts are tougher I am much much happier. Children adapt to spending time between homes (I can vouch for this - I did as a kid) and they aren't all that bothered about the materialistic side of things. They'll do a lot better in an environment with happy parents.

Having said that, have you spoken to dh about how you're feeling? Do you think it's something that could be fixed if he was willing to work at it?

Why don't you spend sometime getting a career and it qualifications. Also look at councilling as a couple.

If it does end you have something to fall back on and if not, you have another interest.

You have to start by speaking to him. A marriage is a two way street and something that needs to be worked at. It sounds as if it's a long way from good though and maybe to far down the line to save. I think you'd regret not trying to see if it could work.

That said, if it can't or won't or you don't want it to work then don't waste any more time. I agree about getting some qualifications. Get back into the workplace.

The dcs will adapt. Mine did. I hate they have to go between two houses and that I have to share them (mine are 11 and 8 now but were 8 and 5 when it happened) but everyone is happier. I have a good new life. Ex does too (I think) and kids still have all their clubs and routine from before just across two places. They get to speak to each parent whenever they like. I'm sure they would rather we lived together but I also think they now so loving adult relationships and don't live in a house or arguing and tension.

I find the pressure of being responsible on my own to keep roof over their head huge. I work full time in a demanding job but I equally have my own career and a job I'm good at. My own money to spend how I wish. A lovely home which has a bigger mortgage for longer but I believe I can make it work. I'm sure you can too.

I agree with pounding and minime - get things out in the open with your dh. You married each other, you have kids, you both deserve respect. You don't want tension, at least work on that and Imo relationships that appear dead can sometimes reanimate.

I'm sure that if you have considered leaving, so has he, and maybe he is already half out of the door. However clearly he is not going to disappear. It needs dealing with. The lifestyle is almost irrelevant.

The second

Would you not like to work now your DC are older? Might make you feel
A little different? Why do you need to rest at weekends? Do you have a medical condition?

I would start training or looking for a job. This will give you a new interest and also help you prepare for leaving if that's what you want. It would also help if DH suddenly decided to leave. Being a single parent is hard financially and emotionally but the freedom can be liberating. Your life sounds bearable so get all your "ducks in a row" before you make a decision.

mclass,

The second option without a doubt, sod the lifestyle because its really a gilded cage you are in. House is also but bricks and mortar and inside your home seems to be a very unhappy place akin to a warzone. Its certainly not a sanctuary to them or a happy home. It is also not their fault their father has chosen to embark on his own private war with you as their mother.

What do you want your children to remember about their childhoods?. As it is they will likely remember all the unspoken tension between the two of you, you having separate bedrooms (they are aware that their friends parents do not do this), you both leading separate lives and the contempt shown by their dad towards you as their mother.

They are not going to say to you "thanks mum" for staying with him, they could well say why. If you say for them they will think you daft for doing that. They could accuse you of putting him before them damaging your own relationship with them going forward.

I would also hope that if his parents were indeed decent people they would want to maintain contact with their grandchildren post you and their son separating. If they did not, well that would say far more about them than you.

You both stay together currently for your own reasons and out of expediency (its "easier" and you have become bogged down). Its nothing to do with these children and everything to do with the two of you. Basically this is now death by 1000 cuts. Its a slow emotional death.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from the two of you; both of you are teaching them that you've really stayed together to date because of them (a terrible burden to place on any child) and that a loveless marriage could also be their norm too. This is no legacy to leave them.

Good Lord, where's your self respect? You have 30 years of working life ahead of you. Get some qualifications and do something. Your marriage will come to an end at some stage anyway given what you've written, why not at least try to be able to stand on your own two feet?
Where's Xenia when you need her?

Mclass
I could have written your post, except I'm older than you with teenage kids.
The tension is horrible. We have lost the art of communication. DH is dead set against me getting a job. It truly is a gilded cage.
I wish you love and luck in your decision

Choice - Freedom every time

Option 2, every time. You only get one shot at life

Op. First question, is counselling out of the question? All marriages go through exceptionally tough patches. Is there anything left at all to resurrect something out of this?

If not, my option would unequivocally be number 2. I chose option 1 for years in the vain hope things would get back on track. Turns out my STBXH was philandering with anything that moved (anyone but me). I found all I needed to find and filed for divorce. I was exceptionally naive to think that if he wasn't getting intimacy at home that he wasn't seeking it elsewhere.

I am incredibly grateful that I found out. He would have stayed in our miserable marriage for another 10 years and then walked once the DC's were older. Leaving me older and more emotionally damaged.

His lack of intimacy and affection has really impacted me. I can also see that we were showing our DC's a very poor example of what a happy marriage looks like. Our house is lovely without the miserable tension he bought in. ( tension because he felt 'trapped' and didn't want to be there). It's been hard but I am in so many ways happier than I've been in years.

It's hard OP. I've been in your shoes.
Do you really believe that he's not getting affection elsewhere? I'd start digging if I were you. Or try counselling. Something isn't right.

The second, but what I don't understand is the assumption that you dc won't see their dad and that you'll have to cope without his help.

The starting point for any separation is 50/50 with the kids. If he works and you don't you might be more likely to have them but he's likely to have them at least every other weekend and one or two nights in the week.

It's hard going it alone.
I don't think anyone will tell you any different.
But..... I'm so much happier now.
I did it on my own. I had no choice really.
No financial support. Her DDad wasn't even in the same country.
But I have a wonderful partner now and life is good.

You CAN do it and it will be so worth it.
But it's a massive leap and a huge decision for you.

Is there any reason why you cannot work on the marriage?
Would your DH agree to do it if you asked him?
If he knew the other option was you leaving with the kids?

You sound like you have my life - except I'm happily married.

I've retrained in the past few years and am in the process of setting up my own business. I'm not happy without the challenge of a job and my years out of the jobs market have meant I couldn't find employed work with such a big gap on my CV.

I have also become concerned that if something happens to DH (he has a medical condition and his parents died young) I'm screwed. So I'm becoming self sufficient again.

There's no way I'd stay in a relationship I wasn't happy in. So many of my friends have found true happiness second time around and they and their kids are far better off emotionally even if they've had to be less well off financially.

I would rather live in a one roomed apartment and be happy.

I have to agree that I wish we had been able to make our marriage work. It is a big regret - though in my case there was no way (domestic abuse). I'm sad it didn't work because what could be better than being with the father of your children? If he's a decent guy and a good role model, of course.

I agree you could do some intense work via marriage course, counselling etc. However, do check out the abusers checklist because if he is controlling/an abuser there isn't a future. Not just for you but for the kids.

Springy is the checklist a Google thing? Will look

I was married to a man who's income was between 8 & 10k a month.

I left him with three kids and we live in a lovely 5 bed house. I earn nothing like my ex husband but am far richer than him in many ways.

Be happy op, you can't put a price on that.

Everything's on google!

Abuse checklist

Thanks springy