Why does DH keep asking 3yo DD to 'look after Mummy'?

[LazyCake]

Often, before DH goes to work in the morning, he kisses DD (3) goodbye, saying 'Will you look after Mummy?' This really bothers me, as I want her never to feel that she has an obligation to care for her parents.

I have, numerous times, told DH how I feel about this and asked him to stop. He then becomes offended, says I am over-reacting/misunderstanding, that he won't alter the way he speaks to his daughter, and then keeps on doing it! Am I over-reacting? Or is he the one who is being unreasonable?

For context, I have suffered depression since DD's birth, and have been very concerned about how my illness might affect her, now and in the future.

Oh, nip this in the bud as soon as you can. Mine did this and also lots of 'silly mummy ' rubbish and 'it's ok daddy says so, ignore mummy ' and now I have a totally disrespectful teenager who thinks I'm an idiot!
( I'm not ! )

Lots to think about here. Thanks everyone.

I say this to my youngest, purely because it's so blatantly silly. I also tell them to clean up after the wild party they'll have, while I'm out.

But if you've spoken to your DH about how this makes you feel when he does it, he needs to respect that and not dismiss your feelings.

Is it his way of saying he is genuinely concerned about you? It is an odd thing to say to a child and suggests he is worried. I think it does place too much responsibility on your dd which she will sense as she gets older even if he keeps on doing it.

He told your family he was concerned about your parenting? Only after you talked about separating? That sounds rather like he wanted to undermine you so you wouldn't leave, or so he'd get custody of your dd if you did. Does he know your dm told you?

Dangerous, yes I imagine that he is concerned. That's certainly what he said to my family when he wrote to them. But to me, he always insists that I am the most amazing Mum, just a bit lacking in confidence.

I think it's an idiotic saying. What about saying "look after Daddy" or would this never occur. See how he feels about it.

Sorry Ria, cross-post. Yes, that's what happened, and I also wondered if it might have been a control tactic, to prevent a separation. My mum thought he might go for custody because he claimed that he was doing most of the childcare (even though he works full time in a demanding job ), which is why she advised me to start gathering evidence of the way things really are.

DH knows I know because I told him so, got extremely angry about it in fact which I think shocked him as I very rarely blow up about anything. I was mad because the email, as I understand it, contained some misrepresentations and one downright lie.

I'm dripfeeding, aren't I? Sorry.

Hmmm yes the contacting your parents 'out of concern' is a red flag. Exh did this to me when he couldn't understand why I wouldn't take him back after he left.

I understand your concerns. I grew up feeling very responsible for looking after my mum and dealing with her depression which has contributed to many of my own problems. Children need to know that their parents are there to look after them, not vice Versa.

That does sound extremely aggravating, Dangerous, to say the least!

Terrified, I am really sorry you went through that. It sounds very, very hard.

He is using your illness against you.
(That is what the "concern" letter to your parents was about-given it came directly after you suggested separating.) Imho, this is true bastard territory, sorry.

Maybe, you might take another look at that gut feeling to split. He will always use your illness against you, whether blatant or subtle...you have no defense.

Many threads here over the years have shown depressions to be resolved after removing one's self from a relationship with such a dynamic as you describe.

I had the same (history of mental illness in the family) and my bf/fiancé would occasionally throw it up in my face. It was the foundation reason for my breaking the engagement (I made the mistake of telling him about it).

"bout a month ago, the day after I told him that I thought we needed to look at separating, he wrote privately to my family to say he had concerns about my parenting, and that I couldn't be left alone with DD for more than a few hours"

Bloody hell! What were your reasons for suggesting separation? He's not coming very well out of this...

The email is really horrible. Your mum seems to have seen through it. Thank God.

I think you should be careful of this man.

I'm with AndTheBandPlayedOn on that one.

My OH says "My three girls" meaning me and our daughters and I am older than him, he also says "Look after mummy". None of this annoys me because it's just terms of affection and I got the same from my dad, he may have heard these saying from his mum and dad. I'd be annoyed if he was telling her to be naughty but not this.

Forget my post above, I hadnt seen your latest replies, not sure what to think now to be honest.

I don't think there's a problem with him saying it. I do think there's a problem with him not stopping when you ask him not to say it.

I'm really glad I started this thread to think about some of this stuff in more detail. Much of the time, I am just so confused, going round and round in a perpetual brain-fog.

Sometimes I get really resentful and angry and ruminate about various weird things that have happened over the years. Then I become convinced that there is some kind of emotional abuse going on, but can't work out who is the abuser - Him? Me? Both of us?

For example, yesterday when DH got home he was really stressed and upset about what had been going on at work, almost tearful in fact, threatening to resign and so on. We talked it through and I felt such a bitch for moaning on here about such a trivial incident as him once again saying, 'Look after Mummy' in the morning. But then a little voice in my head said, he's acting this way to punish you for challenging him and deter you from speaking up again. (When he left in the morning he had muttered under his breath that if I didn't lighten up 'All of us would go under'.

There are loads of weird and difficult issues in our marriage to do with sex, money, etc that I'm reluctant to go into details about here, as I'll probably get accused of being a crazy troll or something! (This is my first thread on Mumsnet ) But I think I might post some more threads in Relationships over the coming months, as I really want to clarify my thinking as we're going to start Relate soon and I want it to be productive. Thanks to everyone who has posted advice/insights here - it's really helped me to start to work out what's in my head and what's real.

Irene, my reasons for separating are essentially that I've been miserable for years. We have absolutely no sexual/romantic connection. The marriage has been celibate for almost four years, and I'm pretty fed up!

(When he left in the morning he had muttered under his breath that if I didn't lighten up 'All of us would go under'.

What he is saying here is that he would have no culpability or responsibility or any part of the relationship breakdown...it is all on you because you won't "lighten up".

Your inner voice is right, imho. He is also acting that way to play the pity card...how could you separate when he is so stressed about work?
The threat to resign...another shot across your bow. If you move to separate I predict you will hear this again in the context that you would therefor get no financial support.

You don't have to have a big showdown every time, but just quietly respond in the moment that you don't appreciate the put-down and would he please stop doing it. When my dh crosses the line I just say "don't be rude" and he stops and apologizes.

Reviewing historical events is important. Could you keep a journal (hopefully private from him or written in such a way as to be very difficult to read-every other line up side down)? A journal has really helped me work through some dynamics regarding my sister-my anger poured forth and just seeing page after page of it written down, made me realize the reality of her treatment towards me (and others) and it was indeed time to set a meaningful boundary.

It sounds like, from what you have written, that he generally, in a global kind of way, just does not respect you. Next time he mentions "All of us would go under" (or something similar) respond with "If you don't start respecting me, we will absolutely go under"

Talk more to your mother about him. She can probably clear up some of your uncertainty.

Hmm. I have a bad feeling about this OP - he sounds as if he is deliberately undermining you.

Writing things down sounds as though it could be helpful. The reason I have not done it previously is that I worried I would be cynically building up a charge sheet of offences supposedly committed by DH, so that I could salve my conscience about leaving him, and tell myself that I was the victim, not him. I'll start doing it though, and see if it helps to make things a little clearer.

Your DD is 3 and the marriage has been celibate for 4 years?

Yes, Sandy, almost 4 years, although I realise that sounds unlikely! Don't want to give exact dates in case I out myself, but the maths does add up. DD is currently 3 years and 5 months old. There's been no sex at all since she the honeymoon. I was already pregnant when we married.