I really don't know where else to turn for help. I'm 7 months pregnant and engaged to the father. Our relationship is just so rocky that yet again I'm in tears about how we are ever going to make it work. We've been together for almost 3 years, both have kids from previous relationships but just seem to fall out constantly. He moved 100 miles to live with me in my home with my children which is wonderful but it all happened a bit quickly really.. But it was because he lived so far away that made it difficult to see each other casually.. He'd insist on driving up 3 or 4 times a week but would have to get up (and wake me up) at 5am to get to work on time. It made sense for him to start looking for a job near me. He found one surprisingly quickly.
There are a couple of issues we lock horns on, one is him smoking marijuana. Before he moved in, there was no mention of him smoking it, in fact he said quite the opposite. Doesn't do it, used to and used to smoke normal cigarettes too but stopped. Well that turned out to be utter bs. His mental health issues have also come to light having been hidden deeply to begin with. Chronic low self esteem, self harm which obviously impacts on our relationship. I found him a counsellor who seems next to useless as it turns out. I hate him smoking weed because I've read it exacerbates mental health issues. He says no it doesn't. Only if you smoke it loads and anyway he is a grown up and should be allowed to make his own choices. We argue about it. I can understand if we're at a party and its being passed around but to stand outside in the garden, in the pouring rain, by yourself smoking a joint - I think that's a bit different.
I own this house outright. He has nothing and yet gets really upset when I disagree with him on where I would like one of my pictures hung on the walls of my house. I had the audacity to say I didn't think the 70's were famed for their furniture design to which he took exception and said I was opinionated, stuck in my ways and what about his point of view? He says that he has no say, is bullied (?) has no voice etc.. I pointed out that I've asked his opinion on EVERYTHING I've bought for the house and bought nothing that he said he didn't like. He pointed to a clock and said 'you didn't ask me about that clock. I like it though'.
He does contribute financially - he felt paying a quarter of all the bills was about right as my two little children live here (I work part time). This works out to little more than he gives his ex in child maintenance and he doesn't even live there! Is that normal? He mows the lawn and pulls the wheelie bin to the front of the house once a week. That is the total of his contribution.
We had been getting on well but then he said yesterday that he doesn't know how we are ever going to agree on how to raise our child. He's previously said that if it's a girl, she is not to wear pink (?) When I met his kids (they were 6 & 8) they didn't even know how to hold a knife and fork! He obviously blamed his ex entirely for this.
It sounds like it's all awful, of course it's not always or he'd have been long gone. When it's good, it's amazing and I love him very much but it's becoming increasingly more difficult with him being critical a lot. If I have a different opinion to him on something and voice that opinion, in his book that makes me opinionated. He claims to have very little money but thinks it's a great idea to get both his arms completely tattooed.. I said I didn't like that look much.. By his reaction, you'd have thought I'd called his mother a whore! Oh my god!! Why do I NEVER support him in anything?!! (I do in EVERYTHING, apart from in the smoking and tattoos) He said he's ALWAYS wanted it done and that he's going to save up and get it done. In the end I said 'fine, I'm going to save up too. To take my kids on a really nice holiday. You and your kids can sit here and look at your new tattoos'
It flips so quickly from it being lovely between us, to me just wanting him to go but now I'm pregnant and stuck. I hope we can figure it out but I just can't seem to get through to him sometimes.
I feel like he tricked me by pretending to be something that he then turned out not to be. I have gently suggested this to him. He presented himself as a clean living, hard working, 'I do all my own housework', easy going kind of guy but if I'd have known he was a joint smoking, lazy, just want to play on my iPad when I get home from work, full arm tattoos kind of guy, I don't think I would have agreed to a date with him. Of course he says I should just accept him how he is and that my love for him should transcend all that just as he overlooks all my faults!
It's the lying and manipulation that's the worst part I think. Eg I asked him recently when he was mid anxiety attack, depressed and panicking because he was struggling to focus at work, to please not smoke joints anymore (at that point he was smoking it every night) - maybe okay just at parties if he absolutely has to but please, please don't buy any more. He actually agreed, broke down in tears and promised he wouldn't buy it anymore. Then a week later I smell it on him and confront him.. The response? 'I promised I wouldn't BUY anymore, I was GIVEN this stuff! What's your problem?!' Back to square one.
I really don't know what to do. I feel so low. I feel like I can't be myself anymore or voice my thoughts on anything for fear of being accused of being a bully or opinionated. He looses his temper in front of my kids which I've told him is an absolute deal breaker and the next time he does it, he can leave.
What do I do? I'm stuck. He has no where else to go. Say he can't afford to live anywhere else and that he'd have to sleep in his car if I kicked him out. I'm at an utter loss. How long do you keep trying?
Advice very welcome. Really struggling.
P