MN - you were right about drug-taking DH, now I need to leave, what do I do? Please help, I'm pretty desperate right now.

[everybodysang]

So in March I had a thread on here about DH taking synthetic cannabis (and having it delivered to our house) and how we had a big horrible argument and he promised never to do it again and loads of you were like... he will, and I thought, well he might but he probably won't. And of course... he has. We've just got back from a lovely family day out and he went upstairs and then he was in a state, it was so obvious what was happening and he's tried to apologise but he was also unable to focus properly and was running up and down the stairs and acting pretty crazy so I made him go to bed.
Now what do I do? I issued an ultimatum to him last time:

If you choose to stay with us then there's no second chances.

So now I need to leave him and I just don't know where to start. DD is just 5, we live next to her school, I work a very long commute away (in an amazing job which I love and I am devastated that I will have to leave). What on earth do I do? I am utterly crushed. I don't know how I will afford anything, I don't have a penny in savings.

We're supposed to be going on holiday next Saturday. We spent the day picking up bits for our holiday. Then - despite just saying what a lovely day it was - he went STRAIGHT OFF and did this.

What do I do? I can't think straight at all.

Fortunately DD is watching TV and is oblivious to it all as I packed DH off upstairs quickly but I don't know what I should do.

I can work a bit from home but it's a 2 hour door to door commute so it's easier to work from home for a whole day - which I can do occasionally but mostly I have to be in the office.
There is a breakfast club but it starts at 7.45 and I leave home at 5.55. I think there is also an after school club. This job simply won't work if I am a lone parent, unfortunately.

Ah cross posts, sorry.

I know, the whole ultimatum thing is why I am really wobbling now.

Having said that... There was no suggestion from him last time that he would 'get help'. He has also said to me that he feels he needs to do it, not just for me or DD but for himself, which is quite different to what he said before.

I don't want to tear our family apart if we can sort this... But equally I don't want to tear it apart further down the line if he lets me down again.

Selfishly, I am also reluctant to let my career go too, I have worked so hard for it.

God this is horrible.

He has done it know because he knows it is hard for you to leave and you don't want to. He is deliberately pushing your boundaries so you accept him doing whatever he wants to do regardless. It will get worse if you stay.

If you do decide to leave deal with the practical problems one step at a time. Work out what benefits you would be entitled to if you left. Then talk to the in laws. You need to check what the situation is and get a proper tenancy agreement in place. You may be better off getting your own place as you can't usually claim housing benefit if you are renting from family and you would need to check whether in laws count as family. Then deal with childcare so you can work.

Decisions on DH can wait.

I think in your situation I would look seriously at renting out the current house and renting nearer work.

Very complicated and can't happen overnight but might be the only way you could make things function?

An au pair might be the next best thing, they'd just have to hold the fort either end of the day so not a bad job.

I doubt she can rent it out as she doesn't own it.

I wouldn't want to stay in a home that the in laws own without a proper rental agreement. Everything is nice now but if anything goes wrong it's your home on the line.

If he's saying he wants to stop and needs help can he call a drug helpline to get started? Is he addicted?
I'm thinking it's fixable if he wants to stop. Serious talk needed in the morning and I would say he needs to check into some sort of rehab or therapy or you and dd are gone

To address an addiction, an addict has to hit rock bottom.

Your ultimatum wasn't it.

Him losing you and the dc might not even be it.

You cannot allow him to slip through this again.

You will have to work from home until you can sort things out. This is an emergency. Long term it may be that you do have to change jobs, is there something similar nearer you?

How trusting in your in laws are you? Could you tell them he's got a drug problem and not only has broken the ultimatum, but done so with DD still up and behaving erratically as a result and you need them to help you protect her from his keeping and taking drugs in front of her.

Would you be able to ask that he go to them for a bit?

In laws would definitely be supportive but they are not back for a fortnight. Also if he was there I would still have to work from home (they live about 90 minutes away).

No jobs similar to mine near here - it's a once in a lifetime dream job so I will
be gutted to have to leave.

He says he will contact NA. I want to believe him - of course I do - but I also don't want to be a mug.

It's so hard when it's your whole life. I have left a marriage once before (though no kids) so I know it's possible to start again - but I also know how hard it is.

But he's blown his last chance - you can only have one last chance

I think you need to ask him to leave, and see whether he is really serious about sobering up if he does it on his own - ie. even without you there as the "prize".

Basically, you gave him an ultimatum, he broke it, now he's on his own. Whether he follows through and sobers up is his own affair: you're moving ahead with life without him. Maybe if he can prove to you that he has straightened his act and can sustain it long term you'll be impressed enough to have him back in a year or so, or maybe you'll be enjoying your life without him so much that you won't. Either way, he has to sober up for himself if it's ever going to stick.

OP, I would get him to move to his parents when they're back who I hope, would join you in trying to get him to stop taking the legal highs with proper intervention.

I would try everything possible to keep your job if you love it. It's very hard in your situation, I've been there. But with a bit of time and conversations with work and research, you may find a compromise. Don't assume you can't make it work until you've exhausted every avenue. You are in shock right now and trying to solve everything at once, I know.

Research every option and stay in separate rooms for now to make it clear, his behaviour is totally unacceptable and not in the best interests of your DD - or your relationship.

Remind him he has a parental duty to keep that crap and resulting behaviour, away from your child. If you find any of it in your home, remove it. Women's Aid will probably advise better on how to keep him out and your daughter safe.

Best of luck

In laws may be supportive now but you have no security that will always be the case. Should you need to lay down the law with regard to the drug taking and your DD'S safety, you don't know how far that support will extend.

The way they have arranged it is not to your benefit at all, which is why I wonder if they are as nice as you think. Unless there is an agreement in place that you are securing a share in the house over time you are little more than paying them rent/giving them the money so they can own your house.

There are reasons why short hold tenancies became the norm and I would worry you are very vulnerable with no rights over your home whatsoever whatsoever at a time when dealing with their son (whether you stay with him or not) will become difficult.

You need to secure your housing before you do anything

He will contact NA. Future tense. Not done it already. Contact them. Not go to meetings. Not do everything to fix himself. No, he will contact them at some future time.

You didn't make any plans for how to run your life after splitting up if he breached the ultimatum. You still aren't making those plans. You keep stating reasons why you have to stay together. That's why he can ignore your ultimatums with just a promise to phone some people some day.

By burying your head in the sand and not determining the exact details of how you will leave and then live, you are damaging your credibility with both him and with yourself by pretending you'll end the relationship when you've made no arrangements to enable that.

Re: the house - yes, the documents drawn up do give us an increasing share in the house and I think there's provision in there for if we split but I simply cannot remember. Will ask for copy of document when inlaws return.

I didn't make provisions to leave, no... Because it will mean such a complete change and frankly, I would so much rather not leave. I have no savings, no extra money and am very alone in the world. So, yeah, I'm an idiot but I would rather save my marriage. Not just for 'practical' reasons, though they are the most pressing. But because I do love him.

I don't want to be taken for a ride though.

Your H knows you don't want to leave, so as upset as you are, his behaviour has no real negative consequences for him.

Are you really going to leave this man in charge of a child , knowing he has a addiction and how erratic he can be when high. As much as you love this man, career, home etc, are they more important than your daughter? Essentially that's what it boils down to, your DD or H because if SS get a whiff of your home situation, they will expect you to prioritise your DD.

I'm not saying it's going to be easy (DV meant that I lost my home and spent three months in emergency accommodation) but you have choices and your DD is dependent on you making good ones.

I'm not sure if this is the right advice because I haven't been in this situation but I have managed someone who has. Could you tell your boss and see what they can do to help?

My colleague just said that her marriage had broken down and she needed to leave and we were able to support her with various things at work such as leave, flexible working and a salary advance. It was only later the true nature of what she'd been through came out.

I know perhaps your boss doesn't seem like the obvious choice in the circumstances but work seems to be such a barrier to you leaving that it might make sense.

Could you get an au pair and keep your job and commute?

"So, yeah, I'm an idiot but I would rather save my marriage. Not just for 'practical' reasons, though they are the most pressing. But because I do love him. I don't want to be taken for a ride though".

What is there exactly to love about this man?. What do you get out of this, what innate needs within you does he still meet on some level?.

He has put you and your child through great pains. He loves the drugs more than you, that is what his primary relationship is with. Its not you or your child.

I would read up on co-dependency within relationships to see how much of that fits in with you personally. You have certainly enabled him to date and that has only given you a false sense of control; you thought you had that last time with your ultimatum. Such things also can only be issued once. If you were ultimately not committed to following through on it to the letter then why make it at all?.

There is nothing for you to so call rescue and or save here. You cannot and must not act as either act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship; that simply does not work.

I would not rely on the ILs long term either; they may be sympathetic towards you to start with by they could easily side with and further enable their son. They may well choose him over you.

You will be taken for a bumpy ride as well if you stay. You are already being dragged down with him by association.

You have a choice re this man, your DD does not. She has to follow your lead.

I would talk to your employers as well. A compromise could be reached but you need to tell them what has been happening.

"I dont want to be taken for a ride, though."

Well, you already are. He made a promise and broke it. That's being taken for a ride.

And furthermore, there are no consequences for him. You've shown him that your ultimatum was bumf. He now knows that he can do whatever he wants, and you'll take it.

You're still on that ride.

I'm so sorry. I understand it seems so hard. And it is so hard for you, and so easy for strangers to give advice.

It does seem that as you issued an ultimatum you need to stick with it. Last time you thought your dh had had a shock and was really going to give up. But he didn't. In your position I wouldn't go straight out and apply for a divorce. Who knows, in the future you may get back together. But in your position I'd want him to get off the drugs first before I allowed him to live with me and my child.

I'm sure you can make it work. You don't have to give up your job. As others have said there may be ways to sort childcare - an Au pair, nanny share, before and after school clubs combined with a childminder. There will be a way to sort it. Could you maybe work from home one day a week? Or change your hours?

I do think you need to show your dh you are deadly serious on this. You can't leave a drug addict in charge of your child. And he is an addict. Addicts are great at minimising their behaviour.

If you give him another chance now then he will probably be great for a while. Until it happens again.

Give him the chance to sort himself out away from you and your child. Then if he keeps his promise and never touches the stuff again, maybe in the future you can work out whether you still want to be in a relationship with him.

For the moment I think you need to put you and your dd first.

^ Good post there Alan.

He needs to leave. Then go get help (this will take months and months, it's not "make 1 phone call, go to a meeting, all better"). After all this has happened you can take him back, if you still want to, if he still wants to, because you want to - not because you are scared and don't know what to do.

When I was a teenager my part time job was to pop over to my cousins house at 6am when her Dad left for work and wait until her Mum a nurse came home at 8.....although unusual you might well get someone who would be happy to do these hours - maybe an older retired neighbour etc - but an au-pair is really you best bet to cover both ends of the day.

He needs to leave. It is called tough love. This will increase the chances of making him reach his rock bottom - that is the only place where he will make any changes. He needs to be really uncomfortable. That is the only way for the chance of a happy ending. Just do it - fingers crossed after 6 months out of the house he will see the light. Dont give up you job....Take care.