Changing the locks and putting his suitcases out the door.

[Polpettona]

Hi everyone. I don't normally write on here but I need some hand holding today. I have had to make a difficult decision. I am chucking my husband out.
After 21 years he has shattered my heart into a million pieces and betrayed my trust. I did not see this coming at all.
I'm going to give you the short story.
3 days ago I was getting dressed for work next to his bedside table and his Garmin watch vibrates with a notification. I just look to see why and I find it says 'New chat message in Fiesta'. I thought that was a bit strange. I know what Fiesta is and thought 'we don't use that to chat to friends'. Anyway, I kissed him and our girls goodbye, said I love you to him and I went to work with it in my mind.
On Friday after lunch (we live on a country where everthing stops for prayer time at 12pm), I ask him if I can see the games he has on his phone that my girls like to play so I can download them too. He hands me his phone reluctantly and I start looking. There it was, he had hidden the 'Fiesta' app in the Health box of his iphone! I go into it and find hundreds of messages backwards and forwards from women from all over the place but mainly near us (all Asian women). My heart stopped. He was sending photos of himself to them and talking to them in a way that he doesn't talk to me, calling them beautiful snd gorgeous, tallking to one all day and night. I was heart broken. I asked him about it and he looked at me, laughed and said 'It's all your fault, you don't give me enough!'. I didn't know what to say :( I admit that for a while I haven't been actively looking to sleep with him but that's because I have had health issues, my dad has been diagnosed with a rare illness hundreds of miles away and we both have been extremely stressed out at work. I suppose he's right, I haven't done my duty as a wife :( I support him entirely with everything he does but haven't got the support back at all this year. I am absolutely devastated, I've loved him with all my heart for 20 years and thought that he loved me the same way back. Anyway, he left for the weekend for work (he is a Head Swim Coach here where we live) up in the capital ( where lots of these women are) for a swim meet with his squad. He shouted at me 'we will talk about this when I get back'.
The trust is gone. How can I ever trust him again. He has totally disrespected me as a person, wife and mother to his children. He had no emotion in his face as he left. It's totally my fault in his mind. Instead of talking to me, supporting my issues with sex due to my illness, he just looked elsewhere and carried on as normal. How do I know that he is not sleeping elsewhere with these women and then sleeping with me.
This time I'm not going to be told what to do. That's it. Locks changed this morning. When he comes back he'll find his suitcases out the door. I don't care where he goes, he's not welcome here. I'm heart broken because I still love him so much but I can't let him treat me this way, he will do it again and again.
God that feels good to get it off my chest.
I'm petrified about how he will react later and so sad that it's having to come to this.
Hand hold please :(

Good for you. I share your revulsion.

Do you have any local support (friends/family) that can come and sit with you ?

Well done. Sounds like you are well rid.

I am sorry for what you have gone through, but you can't legally chuck your husband out like that. The fact that you are married means he had 50% of everything. He has as much right to live in the marital home as you.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Make sure you clear out 50% of any money in to a bank account in your name. See a solicitor about how to file for legal separation and maximise any divorce settlement. I am not a lawyer, but I guess that any unreasonable behaviour like changing the locks with no notice might affect a divorce settlement.

Well done op. Are there any friends or relatives that can be with you when he returns? Safety in numbers etc, especially seeing as you're petrified of his reaction.

He sounds an absolute shite of the highest order and you are well rid. However it sounds like you are not in the uk and you may be in a Muslim country. I would echo the pp and remind you that assets are 50% his (or 100% his in some Muslim countries) and that you should get advice from a legal authority in your country of residence.

what an arse ! there is no excuse to cheat. If he unhappy figure it out . end the relationship properly before you start seeing another woman .
You stick to your guns when he gets back.
You cant change the locks tho thats illegal and he does have a right to enter the house .
He will most likely say how sorry he is and be all brow beaten but you need to stand firm and get rid

I think you need to seek urgent legal advice, today if possible.

Really tired we don't know where the op is or her situation, are you sure that advice is correct?

Hope you are ok, when is he due home?

You did right thing. But you need RL support as well as Mn. Good luck this won't beast. Sympathy.

You need to check up on the legalities of changing the locks. I believe that if his name is on the deeds he can get access to the house - using the police if necessary - unless you get an order placed on him which requires him to leave the marital home.

Make sure you get your finances in order before he comes back - take half of the joint bank account and put it somewhere safe so you're not left without money. If he finds out he's been chucked out he might take everything in a fit of anger and then you're really stuck. Get copies of paperwork and make sure you keep your bank cards and passport somewhere he can't access.

Please stay safe.

The OP isn't in the UK, so it may not be the case that she can't change the locks or has to give him 50%
The laws on this vary enormously, especially in Muslim countries.

But OP, you do need to get some legal advice with someone who is familiar with the law in both your resident country, and home country if you are expats.

Good luck

In many Muslim countries women are in a very weak position when it comes to divorce. I believe that there re parts of India where men can divorce their wives by text message. Sone countries make it hard for women to get a divorce.

Looking at this

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce_in_Islam

Islamic law is very heavily in favour of the man. Depending on the country the op might be entitled to nothing. I can't see how changing the locks will help her.

Oh so your previous advice wasn't based on them being in the UK?

"Oh so your previous advice wasn't based on them being in the UK?"

Wherever the Op is on the planet she needs to avoid acting on impulse and doing some stupid like changing the locks which would show her to be unreasonable. She needs sound legal advice.

You gave fairly specific details about the legalities of the situation. I'm just suggesting maybe we need more details before that is a good idea.

I agree we need more details. However name me a country where the wife has the right to change the locks and kick out her husband with no warning?

In some Muslim countries men are allowed treat their wives like absolute shit. What would mumsnet think if a husband changed the locks and kicked his wife out the house with zero warning after a 21 year marriage?