Friend's attitude/ behaviour...how would this sit with you?

[balayage]

Friend split with her husband a couple of years ago, initial split instigated by him. They're not divorced, see each other almost daily as he comes round to cook for their DC (16, doing GCSEs) and do housework/house maintenance, garden upkeep, clean car etc. He has told her many times he made a mistake, and would like to get properly back together, go to counselling to work out the issues they had previously etc. She's not said no to him, however she tells us she has no intention of getting back with him.

This is at least in part because she is involved on an on-off basis with 2 ex partners (from before she married her husband), who are themselves married/ in a ltr. She sees them really only when she wants them to do something - one is a builder and is doing a load of work for her for free. Another lives locally, so she phones him for a lift from the station, home from the pub or whatever, and he always obliges, indeed they all do. She's recently started dating someone else and is already planning (he works in a garage) how he's going to repair her car for her, get a good deal on her next car etc....

She said men just cant do enough for her, because they all fall in love with/ become obsessed with her. She will often comment if we're in a bar that men are looking at her (I've/we've - when other friends are there - not noticed this).

If she can use her feminine charms to get jobs done round the house and her car fixed for free, then good luck to her. I couldn't do that, it would make me feel cheap and shallow, and I'd prefer to pay my own way, not flutter my eyelashes and flash my cleavage to get favours.

I would find it hard to be friends with someone who openly consorted with other women's partners, and if I were you, I would subtly withdraw my friendship.

Yes it's the discussing it that grates. I don't need to know and happily wouldn't. If she'd just said I'm seeing X who's married, I'd think well her lookout, and try to keep out of it, but instead I'm getting I'm seeing X, don't have any feelings for him but he's going to do for me.

It's like if she was doing something unethical at work, it wouldn't affect me directly, it's not a crime but I wouldn't want to know about it!

She does go on about it, and how all men are attracted to her/ think she looks 15 years younger than her age etc. It's worse when there's just us two and not a bogger group because there's only 2 of us in the conversation and unless I do all the talking, we do end up on these subjects.

unfortunately with some people they say things to make themselves feel better , maybe she does pay these men for services rendered ( I mean actually work carried out the building work and car fixed) and tells everyone she got them for free unless there is evidence to prove otherwise

No we don't bitch about her, I normally only see all our friends in a group, with her, so we don't chat shit behind her back. By saying we've not noticed, when she's said these things in front of us we're just all a bit faced. But we don't all go off in a huddle discussing it!

I'm not a male defender. I've met her h a handful of times, her other men I've never met.

I have already decided to step back and think I may limit our get togethers to group ones rather than one on one.

She brags about using men and feels the need to tell you everything.... it makes her feel important and inflates her ego.

I'd just become too busy to hang out with her if it was me. No need to fall out or comment on what she's doing. I'd just say I was doing other things and stop calling her. She'd soon get the message.

TBH I can't stand people who use others ... but moreso cheaters get to me even more. I don't like to be associated with cheaters and having brothers..I'd hate if they were being led on like her husband is.

I've got no sympathy for the other MM ... their just as bad and get used to the end of the earth.

Why ARE you friend with her OP?

Give a list of your reasons for being in this friendship because you really sound like you don't like her.

We've been friends since our DC were toddlers. She's always been a good laugh, funny, entertaining, intelligent. She's lived abroad previously and is some years older than me so always seemed to have lots of interesting stories to tell and life experiences to share. As a working mum I found myself having more in common with her than other friends who were mostly SAHMs. She's always had her H running round after her, and been pretty open about that, but when they were together she didn't talk about it as much, plus we generally met as part of a bigger group and not often just the two of us.

So that's how you became friends. Why are you still friends?

I think if he was a man, bragging about how one Ex wife was cooking for him, another cleaning, another financially supporting him, then it would look pretty crap. That it's a woman doesn't make it any better.

We're still friends for those reasons. But as we're spending more time together, I'm becoming more aware of the other side to her that I'm uncomfortable with. I do feel she uses people. She may not be using me, but I'd rather not know about her using others.

Some of her comments also make me uncomfortable, last time I saw her a couple of weeks ago, we went for drinks to a local bar. She went off to chat to a guy who she said had been looking at her (I was waiting to get served, so no problem with her going off) he and his mate come over, we all chat, just basic pleasantries, for a short while. Obviously I'm in a happy relationship so no more to it from my pov. I went to the loo, when I come back she says oh when bloke 1 went to the bar, bloke 2 asked if you were single Balayage, I know he liked me first but as I was interested in his friend, he asked about you, so I said you had a partner'

Of course I do have a DP, and would would never have been interested in either guy anyway but I did feel a little offended by the 'he only asked about you because I'd knocked him back' comment. I'm not sure that's how I would phrase it to a friend, indeed I don't know I'd even relay the conversation.

She's very immature and full of herself isn't she? That comment would have pissed me off as well and I bet it's a lie anyway. She has an over inflated ego and thinks she's irresistible to the opposite sex.

When you hang out with such people , others assume that you are like them as well.

Her need to talk about herself shows she's really insecure deep down and likes to be the centre of attention.

She does seem to think all men are attracted to her/ that she can have anyone she wants. It is quite possible she is insecure. She is the oldest in our group, but will often say she thinks she looks much younger than us (she doesn't - we all look like women in our 40s and 50s, albeit could all pass for 4-5 years younger than our actual ages).