friends fallen out I've taken both sides, now in trouble

[Cardigan4eva]

Two friends of mine A and B who used to be close have fallen out over money. A large amount. This has now turned into an emotional fall out too as both sides have taken offence and declared they will never speak to each other again. A is one of my oldest friends (30 yrs) who has always been there for me, and B is someone A introduced me to about 10 years ago.

Both have been instrumental in my life and have gone above and beyond to help me. A has always emotionally supported me, and B leant me a large sum of money 5 years ago when I needed to get out of a huge hole. I paid it back, but have always been astounded at how generous she was at the time and how she has continued to be a great friend.

The details of their financial disagreement will out me, but I honestly sympathise with B more in this situation, and I have told her so. A has acted quite cruelly to B which is very out of character. I have also attempted to tell A this but A has become very upset when I have even ventured on to the subject so I've had to stop. B is very hurt and has sought some solace in confiding to me about it over the last two years, and I have crossed a line in agreeing with B about A behind A's back which I feel very guilty about, even though I feel terribly sorry for B and have wanted to make her feel better. During all the conversations with B I have made it very clear that I love A and am still good friends with her but on this particular issue I can sympathise more with B's side of things.

I have honestly been very torn. I don't think either is a bad person. But the particular issue they have fallen out over is an incompatibility at the highest level of character and I don't think they're going to come back from this.

I've tried to deal with this by telling A how I feel about how she's behaved towards B, but A breaks down in tears and acts the victim if I even appear to be fairly presenting B's side of things or sympathising at all with B.

A is now getting married and I am her maid of honour. B has found out and has called me up in a barely concealed rage that I could agree with her that A is in the wrong over this issue yet also be A's maid of honour. I genuinely thought that B understood the situation i was in, but that was obviously naive of me.

Now B is refusing to speak to me and is threatening to tell A that I have agreed with her all along over the fall out. She has some email evidence so that's pretty condemning. Not email evidence of me being nasty about A, just me agreeing with B and saying "Yes A is a bit like this and a bit like that. I have experienced it through this other situation etc..."

I know I have been a coward for maintaining both sides but I don't feel like either has given me much choice.

What would you do now? Confess all to A? Wait and see if B tells A?

With friends like these who needs a headache?

Who leant who what and was it paid back? Without knowing the details it's a bit difficult to judge.

Altho B's threats are injustified, whatever the scenario.

From what you said, B isn't blackmailing you at all and I'm not sure why others have jumped to that conclusion. She didn't say do this or else I'll expose you, did she?

In fact, I think B is going to distance herself from you because after loaning you a huge amount of money, you appear to be a two-faced, lying coward. You never defended or stood up for B but made her think you did. I'd be thinking I'm well rid of both of you, if I was B

You don't come out of this smelling of roses and that's why I think you feel bad because of the detail in your emails.

It's a lesson learned for you though.

Next time you simply nod sympathetically and keep shtum.

B is quite rightly thinking your two faced (although I see you were trying to say it wasn't malicious) but it's happened now and you can't change it.

If anything you could say to B that you felt slightly aggrieved at her comments and you want to reiterate you want to stay friends with both of them.

B didn't say 'don't do this or else I'll expose you' she just threatened to expose her full stop.

"Now B is... threatening to tell A that I have agreed with her all along over the fall out. She has some email evidence so that's pretty condemning. Not email evidence of me being nasty about A, just me agreeing with B and saying "Yes A is a bit like this and a bit like that. I have experienced it through this other situation etc..."

A 30 year friendship or not, I don't think I could be true friends with someone who badly shafted another very good friend.
It wouldn't be surprising if B ended her relationship with you now that she has come to the stark realisation that you are not fully supportive of her.
I wouldn't blame her, but equally I really can see how difficult this is for you as the innocent party.
It's an awful situation all round and obviously the dynamics have changed for you all irreversibly. It's such a shame.

I do appreciate your dilemma, but you don't sound to have much 'backbone'. A sounds to have done a number on B, you joined in with B when she was talking about it but then didn't have the courage of your convictions to actually speak to A. I am on Team B right now tbh. But without knowing what was done, it is hard to know how serious this is! I would find it hard to trust A having seen this side of her, and I think B will be pleased to be 'shot of' both of you.

Is this what happened? B made a large loan to A, A never paid it back, you and B bitched about how awful to not pay it back, B knew you were still friends with A. Now A is having a big expensive wedding, which includes a nice dress for you as bridesmaid and you helping her do all the nice expensive things and you were totally OK with that. I'd probably react badly if I were B too.

don't allow b to manipulate you. i'd tell her you love them both and they are both your good friends and you support them both. you are not prepared to take sides over their fight. it's up to her what action she takes but you stand by your actions.

gloria yes that's what the OP said and then she explained her dramatic "threatened" was

"Then a few remarks about how if only A knew she would hit the roof and we'd all go up in flames."

Not you. We.

Hardly threatening

I think you should "come clean" to both, and say that you've been put in a really uncomfortable position in the middle and didn't want to lose either, but now you're getting threatened with blackmail and you can't do it anymore.

Doing it by email to both is a good idea.

Be honest ... was that email a bit more damning then you're letting on?

I'm actually with B on this one too. It sounds like you werent honest with her about just how close with A you are.

I am friends with someone who is MOH to an ex friend. But she is honest about being friends with us both, i wouldnt dream of telling her who to be friends with...but if i found out she was being dishonest i would be annoyed.

It's a veiled threat, but nonetheless one for that.

I've had a particular bunch of friends since I was 11, I've had friends say x or y about the other but never would I ever say 'if only a knew what you said about her - she'd hit the roof'. That's using something someone has said in confidence against them. And criticising a friend's behaviour over a certain matter doesn't mean you don't like them any more.

If a couple of friends fall out the other friends will want to stay friendly with both.

In this scenario, that ain't going to happen, so OP has to choose which friend she wants to keep.

"Then a few remarks about how if only A knew she would hit the roof and we'd all go up in flames

^^ this isn't threatening you. Did B actually threaten to expose you? Or were you massively exaggerating?

Me: "I think your characters have really clashed on this issue, but it would help if you could see it from this angle, especially if you'd like to make up"

^^ this isn't telling A what you think. Did say anything else to A? This is really weak.

If the above statements are typical of your conversations with A and B, and A was at fault with the money, then yes I would be pissed off and disappointed if I were B. She has been a good friend to you and very generous when you were in trouble, you have been agreeing with her re A's character, but you have said zilch to A and are now being her MOH- very two faced.

If I were B I would want you to either have the courage of your convictions and say something to A, or to stay out of it and say you don't have an opinion, not nod along with me whilst staying bff with A.

I'm wondering if A saw some issues with B and you're only just starting to see why?

Op you sound like a good friend.
As for your friends it's hard to tell which one is worse.