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Original poster

How do you cope with someone being racist?

22 replies

Wills · 15/01/2007 14:39

I have an extremely strained relationship with my mother (for tonnes of reasons - but mainly her treatment of my children). I have become extremely close to my mother-in-law. During the last few years she has become incredibly supportive and loving. Being there when I really needed someone and being incredibly dependable and caring to all of us. She and her husband (dh's dad) came to stay at Christmas. During that time dh's father was regularly racist. At first I said nothing but eventually I couldn't cope any longer and started to respond to them. I suppose it would be correct to say that I'm intolerant of intolerant people and I really struggled with his statements and the way she obviously felt the same way. I've known them about the same amount of time as my dh (about 16 years) and I would say this is a recent occurance. He had a heart attack a few years ago and a pace maker fitted. Since then he barely moves from his seat and spends the day watching tv and reading awful newspapers. His opinions of the world are dictated by what he reads in these newspapers and all he and she can do is moan. They're not particular about who they moan about, be them, black, brown, yellow, red, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Catholics or "white trash". Eventually I started to respond back and in the end reduced my mother-in-law to tears who sobbingly told me that she hated her life as it was turning out. They're only in their early 60s but are behaving like they're in their 90s. She had been so looking forward to him retiring so they could do things but he wont do anything. She never learnt to drive, wont catch a train, or get on a bus so basically is stuck. We took them to Venice for a weekend just before Xmas to say a massive thankyou for all that they had done for us when ds arrived and whilst we moved house. It cost us a fortune but it was the first time he'd flown a plane and she's not that far behind. He absolutely adored it (I could see this on his face) but instead of saying thankyou spent the whole time moaning about the steps everywhere and the fact there was no "bloody fish and chip shop". I felt awful for reducing her to tears. These are two people I love very much but I just can't stand intolerant moaners. What do I do?

OP posts:

Original poster

Wills · 15/01/2007 14:57

OP posts:

Dinosaur · 15/01/2007 15:02

Wills, you say that you are extremely close to your mother-in-law. Is there any way in which you can spend more time with her only and without the racist FIL being on the scene?

I hate racism and racist people, but if you don't want to imperil your close relationship with MIL, I don't see how you can really have a proper go at FIL about his views. So it may have to be a case of putting up with him if you don't want to lose MIL.

LaDiDaDi · 15/01/2007 15:03

Oh dear.

My first thoughts are these:

What does your dh make of the situation, has he talked to his parents about it?

You are right not to tolerate dicriminatory attitudes and language in your home. I would suggest that before they next visit you chant to your dh and agree that if FIL makes inappropriate comments then he will explain to them that they are unacceptable and he must refrain from expressing such views in your house.

Could FIL be depressed because of his health worries? Is is health ok now? Has his personality changed?

Could MIL be depressed because of the situation that she finds herself in.

How could you enable MIL to be more pro-active about her life? How could she develop the confidence to catch a train or bus without FIL or even learn to drive?

As you point out they are only in their early 60's it would be awful for your pil to be unhappy for the last 20 odd years of their lives.

LaDiDaDi · 15/01/2007 15:04

Chat, not chant.

Unless you are trappist mokns .

Original poster

Wills · 15/01/2007 15:05

I've just got to go and pick up dd1 but I will definitely respond when I get -back. Thanks for this

OP posts:

LaDiDaDi · 15/01/2007 15:05

ffs! Monks not mokns!

chenin · 15/01/2007 15:09

It sounds awful.... and early 60's is NOT old... they should be really enjoying life at that age (I am 52 - had my DDs late in life! and feel like I am 32, not 52)

As far as their racist nonsense... parents do get like this I find. Mine were terrible - if they saw a black person they would just stare and stare - it was so embarrassing. I think you have to just ignore it because at their age, you will NOT re-educate them, as much as you try. Just walk out the room when they start their rants...

happystory · 15/01/2007 15:19

I have 'trained' my mother to a certain extent. I've managed to stop her saying 'coloured' and ds told her she shouldn't say 'Paki shop' -somehow she took it better from him than from me..

Ok I still think she thinks we're woolly liberals and 'don't really understand' about rampant immigration(a la Daily Mail), but if she at least moderates her views at our house and in front of the dcs, it's a start.

Cloudhopper · 15/01/2007 15:22

I would agree with the other poster who suggested that they might be depressed. When people start abstractly ranting on about others (eg racism), it is often a sign of negative thinking/depression.

dassie · 15/01/2007 15:22

Unfortunately different generations have different views and use different language.

Personally I would not like my parents or in laws using what I consider offensive language in my home, especially in front of kids.

If it is a rant that is part of a conversation I would cut it short with a 'We are not going to agree so lets agree to differ'. If it is a general at the telly/at each other mouthing off then get your DH to have a word and say that you don't like that language in your house/don't want your kids learning that language in the same way you wouldn't want swearing. I would recommend that you do not get into an argument about the views themselves as you are never going to change his mind. Cut the conversations short and talk about something else.

I feel sorry for your MIL - it must be awful to be waiting for your partner to retire so you can start a 'new' life together, only to find it hasn't worked out the way you thought it would. Given her restricted transport means I don't really know what to suggest.

PeachyClair · 15/01/2007 15:36

I challenge it, always do, can't bear not to tbh. FIL is extremely racist, as is my Grandad and I just have to say soemthinge very time, not that they'll change now tbh.

We had lots last place I worked, I got Amnesty in to do a talk and then signed up for a relevant degree, it bugs me so much I want to be part of the solution.

Original poster

Wills · 15/01/2007 16:05

Not all of it is ranting as yet that would be easier to tackle. Its the everyday language that gets to me. Such as all through Christmas he kept announcing that he was going to the Indian to get a newspaper (yes he reads the awful daily mail). Now maybe I'm particularly stupid but I seriously thought he'd found an Indian Restaurant that were selling Newspapers and it was a couple of days before I realised that he was going to the local Garage. I'd never even thought to look at what nationality they were, its just never occured to me. Or as a second example. We're not particularly religious but we live close to friends of my family where he is a Rabbi. Given that we've only recently moved into the area and don't really know that many people this couple and their two younger sons popped in on Boxing Day to welcome us and let us know that they were round the corner should we need anything. They stayed for a couple of hours during which time my in laws were lovely to them and we had a lovely time. I therefore found it awful to hear them the following day talking to my brother-in-law in a completely derogatory way about them specifically because they were jewish. I know that they had enjoyed the afternoon and we'd all been laughing and joking together so why turn it!

I'd never thought about it being because they're depressed. You might very well have a point.

In terms of what my dh thinks.... He's rowed with his father about reading the daily mail. He's also tackled his mother but all its done is made them more defensive. I don't want to alienate them, but I can't stand the intolerance.

OP posts:

PeachyClair · 15/01/2007 16:16

I wold be explicit Wills, say that they are entitled to their own beliefs (they are unfortunately, however uninformed) but yu don't want to hear them in front of your family as theya re generally regarded as unacceptable. I would also expect them to adhere to that.

It doesn't ahve to be nasty or a row, a simple statement is often miles better and far more effective.

Iklboo · 15/01/2007 16:28

My FIL is a ranting racist homophobe. I can barely bring myself to be civil to him and when he starts I just switch off now. It was like talking to bloody Alf Garnet

NotQuiteCockney · 15/01/2007 16:30

Before kids, I could tune things out a bit ... no, I lie, I was forever getting into arguments with people, but I could see a point to tuning things out.

With kids, I just can't stand that sort of talk in my kids' earshot. No way, no how.

As PC has said, yes, people are entitled to their (horrible) opinions, but they need to learn that some opinions need to be kept quiet, at least in my company.

NotQuiteCockney · 15/01/2007 16:31

(Hmm, wait, I call our local food shops "the Turkish" - there are two near each other, both Turkish, in staff, and in what they stock. I don't mean it in a racist way, though, I don't think.)

Jessajam · 15/01/2007 16:42

My ILs have a painfully paternalistic 'genteel' racist streak that drives me mad. I roll my eyes, grit my teeth and let DH wade in..! (I usually follow, at a safe distance)

hercules1 · 15/01/2007 16:52

Only read notquitecockney's post, sorry.

Dh is Sri Lankan and calls the shop where he gets sri lankan food from the Sri lankan shop.

NotQuiteCockney · 15/01/2007 19:08

I guess, to be fair, if our local Turkish shops started having white staff, they would still be turkish shops, as they would still have flat bread, sumac, etc etc. But Wills' local garage would stop being "the Indian" if the staff changed.

(I do find the expression "going for an Indian" quite strange, anyway. Go figure.)

Original poster

Wills · 15/01/2007 20:55

NQC - exactly. The point is that this is just a garage with a costcutter shop attached. Whilst a shop that specialises in certain foods or meals could be called by its ethnicity I do feel calling the garage/costcutter shop by the ethnicity of the person serving behind the counter is crazy. But they will not understand this point.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 15/01/2007 21:21

My ILs are forever saying weird things about various ethnicities. Thankfully they don't read the Daily Mail, but they are old, and live in a village in the middle of nowhere full of other old white people - the sort of environment in which weird racist views ferment, imo.

sleepfinder · 15/01/2007 21:38

I've not read all the posts in response, but have similar situations arising within my own family.

When I was younger I would get angry and upset and confront the person making the racist remarks - but it was a pointless exercise.

The best thing you can do is ignore it and try to change the subject. If necessary let them know that this kind of talk isn't appropriate in front of your children.

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