We have been together for 20 years. For several years we were very affectionate - hugging, holding hands, etc. For the past few years we have become less and less affectionate. Now if he shows any affection, it's so rare that it startles me when he touches me at all.
I have tried talking to him a few times over the past few years. He always gets very defensive, has an excuse likehe's stressed because of his job, or life is really busy, or he's tired. He changes the subject as quickly as he can. He has never wanted to discuss anything meaningful/our relationship and has never brought anything meaningful up himself. He will only talk to me about superficial things, like jobs that are needed on the house, his day at work, should we go out for dinner, etc.
For a long while now I've thought, well if he won't make an effort with me, I won't bother either. So I show him no affection either. This has gone on for so long that any kind of touching now feels weird. I can't help but feel that if you are in love with someone, you would naturally be affectionate. And I'm talking about simple things like hugging, a little caress on the arm, a squeeze of my hand. I've started to feel strongly thatthis lack of affection is a definite red flag that he isn't in love with me anymore. But when I've talked with him about it, he was very offended that I would imply that he doesn't love me.He insists he loves me and he can't imagine life without me.
I have a friend who told me that she believes that people express love differently, which is certainly true, and that some people can love someone deeply, but not ever express affection. I don't know, I find that really hard to believe. I realise that I can just keep asking him again from time to time to at least try to express some affection.But what I keep thinking is that he doesn't show affection because he's not really in love with me, andI can't make someone love me.I feel like I'm forcing him to act in a way that he doesn't really feel. Any affection he does show me, it's forced, it's not real. And that makes me feel crap and resentful. Shouldn't he want to show me affection anyway, without me making him? My pride stops me from asking again. He doesn't fancy me in the slightest. I can just tell. He would deny this, but only to save my feelings. So now I'm the same with him. Even giving him a quick kiss goodbye feels forced, like we're going through the motions of pretending to be a normal married couple.
I feel very sad. I'm middle aged. I don't want to split up, sell our home, start again. But sometimes I really don't like my husband. I think this is because, like every human, he has faults, but whereas before, when we were properly in love, I could see them for what they were: just little faults that are part and parcel of being human. Now they've manifested into reasons to dislike him, e.g. why am I putting up with this crap when he doesn't even show any affection towards me? But mostly I do like him. By that, I mean I like his companionship - telling him about my day, him telling me about his. I like going out with him. I like going on holidays with him. He sends me a text every day saying he loves me and to ask how my day is. I would miss him a huge amount if we split up. I think he'd miss me too.
The thing is, things aren't terrible. He hasn't cheated on me, he's not financially abusive or anything. He's a nice man, I like his company. We have a nice life - we like our home, we like our jobs, we like going on nice holidays together. We like each other. We find each other funny. We're healthy. Our children have left home and are nice well-rounded adults. I swing wildly between being thankful for what I have and wanting to end things with him. I would really like to hear what other people's opinions are about this.