All you lovely people who've commented on recent widow dating/dating a widower threads lately - come and give me a slap as I'm having a wobble!

[ladylouanne]

Quick summary - I'm a widow who has been dating a widower for approx 9 months. Difference being that my marriage was in a very bad place and I now realise I was being emotionally abused for some time. My widower, on the other hand seems to have had a pretty idyllic relationship.

I've posted on a couple of their threads in relation to widow/widower dating and I've generally felt that I am in a pretty good place about the challenges it brings. However, I've just had a major wobble this week and I know I'm being silly but just need to let it out.

We had a lovely weekend and I was feeling very happy all through Monday. Then on Monday night, I took some stuff out of a supermarket carrier bag he'd left behind (things he's lending me), and there was a receipt in the bag. I glanced at it, and saw that amongst the few food items, he'd bought some flowers. Now, I know these would have been to take to the cemetery - the supermarket is very close by. This was a day or two before he saw me.

Now, I know he visits her grave regularly and I totally understand this. I also totally understand that he wants to go regularly and keep flowers looking nice etc. If he did anything less then I wouldn't love him like I do. Also, he doesn't hide the fact he goes - equally, he doesn't tell me every time, but will drop it into the conversation if he's telling me about his day etc.

The thing is, this time, I just feel really thrown. I've experienced this overwhelming feeling of sadness and what I can only describe as pain. I've suddenly felt really upset at the thought he will never bring me flowers - they will always be reserved for his late wife. It'll be something he does for her that won't apply to me. There will always be this person that he loves and will stay in his heart, and even though I am also widowed, I don't have that same experience or feeling. I'm embarrassed even writing this down tbh, as it's totally a heart versus head thing.

I'm not even a flowers and grand gestures type of person. I had too much of that from my late husband who used then as a cover up for other things. It's just that feeling of that part of him that will always be about the 'two of them' which all seems to be so perfect that tears me up sometimes.

I just need to give myself a good talking to, don't I?

[ladylouanne]

I shall infect him slowly with soppiness over time - he won't know it's happening!

Somer, I've just passed out at the thought of a talk about money. We haven't done that either, mainly because we're quite similarly places I think. Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if it's him or me who is more repressed! Good luck with it.

[Cabrinha]

Now come on ladies!
Money is nice and factual. Far easier than emotions 😂
Just do it!

When my boyfriend proposed, as part of my acceptance I told him we'd just do a party if re-marriage ended his pension from his wife's scheme. (happily it doesn't)
And we've also had a nice practical conversation about waiting 2 years to marry because of bereaved parent allowance. (we do have other reasons to wait too)

There's just no point in being shy about money, spit it out then get on with the fun stuff!

[Cabrinha]

I'm inly slightly cringing at the romantic memory.

"Will you marry me?"
"Seriously?"
"Yes"
"I'd love to - have you considered how it will affect your pension though? I think it will be OK because I googled her scheme when I was going to ask you, but still, you need to check it out..."

Soooooooo romantic

[Somerville]

at Cabrinha's proposal/pension discussion.

I agree that practical matters can be easier to discuss than emotional ones. My boyfriend is the one whose infecting me with the soppy stuff, ladylouanne, so it can be done. I'd only ever been in love with DH before, so it's a weird mental hurdle to admit to those feelings for someone else. I wonder if that's a bit of your chap's reticence.