I have just told dh it's over, he is unnervingly quiet...

[Ijustwannabreakfree]

Hi
I have posted before about wanting to leave dh, to sum it up he has been abusive in the past and is too strict with the kids but I have recently unburied my head from the sand and realised he is verging on bulling to my ds1. Anyway I have just sat done and asked him to talk, I had made notes earlier whilst my mind was clear of my main points of things that needed to change (all of which about the way he is with the kids) he interrupted me, disagreed with me, accused me etc. I told him that I want our relationship to be over, I said I would take the kids to my mums tomorrow to stay until I could find another house (this is because everytime I have tried to split in the past he refuses to leave the house) he then tells me he is willing to try but I have to do as he says too (all petty childish stuff which he has been bringing up for the past 6 years, most of it untrue). I tried to discuss it with him but I know deep down he will never change so told him I wanted to split.
Instead of getting angry and shouting insults at me like he usually does he is very quiet, said there is no point in him saying anything.
Sorry for the long rant, just needed to get it out and stop crying for what should have been I suppose. I can't help feeling like I'm ripping our family and my children's lives apart.

It's a hard decision, which I suspect, you've spent a lot of time agonising over. The very fact that you've been considering it and have come to the conclusion that you do want this marriage to end is a huge sign that this is the right way forward for you.

My DH and I separated for a while and I remeber thinking how can I do this to our family's? Can I be the one who breaks up this family? I don't want to be a statistic!

But, asking him to leave was what needed to be done. I had put the kids first but I realised that I also had to put myself equal first too. And I couldn't carry on. It wasn't fair on any of us.

If, and when, you wobble about if you're doing the right thing think back to how you came to the conclusion. Will anything change if you carry on? Are you moving forward with this decision? Would going back on the decision also be a step backwards?

Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Believe in yourself.

Op I kind of found that chilling

His silence

I hope you are all safe tonight

God I wish my mother had done what you're doing.

I slept on the sofa last night, avoided him this morning although he tried to start an argument about walking the dog (his only job before going to work) he said I had to walk her as I was about to leave with all the kids at 7.30, I said I didn't have time, he said I will have to if he isn't going to be here, I said yes but you are still here so it's still your job, he walked out! He then came back 30 secs later and took the dog out quickly. I have just finished work and I have a text simply say "I love you and all the kids".
Is this him trying to control the situation or could he really be realising the error of his ways? He usually gets angry and lashes out with name calling when I threaten to leave.

Yep it's a script he's trying a different tactic to reel you back in

He'll probably try a few - nice, then angry, then self-pitying and sorry for himself - you'll see a pattern emerging

PLEASE DON'T FALL FOR IT.
He's know you long enough to know exactly what buttons to press.
You've done the hard bit.
Don't let him back in now.
It will continue.
The kids will continue to be abused.
And in turn likely to become an abuser or a victim as this is there only model of what a relationship is like.
Show them right now, that no-one should be abused and no-one has to put up with it.
End the abuse cycle.
Only YOU can do it I'm afraid. It's the choice he's left you with.

All the time you spend trying to analyse his every move and utterance is time wasted getting out of his influence.

While you are still playing the game, he still holds all the cards

"I have just finished work and I have a text simply say "I love you and all the kids".
Is this him trying to control the situation or could he really be realising the error of his ways?"

Yes that is he trying to control the situation because his other methods are no longer working. No he is not realising the error of his ways.

You need to be free of him and asap; the longer you stay the more you and your children are subjected to his abuse of you all.

Thank you everyone, it's so bloody hard! for those of you that have been through this did you feel like like you were on that cliche rollercoaster? I've been really busy at work today but kept finding myself drifting off thinking about it all, it's so difficult to stay sane!

Of course it's a tactic to reel you back in or he may actually mean it, but saying something and actually changing your behaviour are two different things. Do you actually have anywhere to go OP - if so I really hope you will go - it's the children I feel for, especially the one who is bullied. He is undoubtedly suffering emotional abuse and he will be affected by it to a greater or lesser extent throughout the life span - yes - sometimes people suffer from this kind of abuse throughout their life.

I'm never one to come on with LTB but where children are concerned, I think you have a duty to put them first.

I can go to my parent's, they don't have much room but could make do for a short while.
My older 2 children are with their dad for the weekend now so I'm going to stay home tonight and pack up a few things tomorrow and leave then if he refuses to go.